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well this is the "let it all out" thread

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TyDe, Sep 29, 2007.

  1. TyDe

    TyDe New Member

    Well holy shit, here goes,

    I've been depressed for about 1 year now, and only recently has it become a major problem, to the point where i want to kill myself. For the most part I cant recall why im sad, its just a combination of things:

    1. i have low self-esteem, which comes into conflict with
    2. I loath myself, and often beat myself up inside, and and every little thing negative is seen and critisized.
    3. I have quite a bit of friends, only inside i dont consider them friends.
    4. I hate where and when I live, and it makes me sad remebering the only good times ive had in my life, took place in the past in a better location.
    5. I masturbate frequently, and that conflicts with # 2
    6. my workload for grade 11 is as follows: semester 1= 4 blocks= 4 cores
    semster 2= 4 blocks 3 cores, 1 non-core class
    7. I seem to think eveyone is out to get me, because of a couple incidents in my life, in which i got beat up for no reason. This has caused me to hate most people in society
    8. I think, i might be gay...

    and thats just a start.

    I've wanted to suicide for maybe a couple of months now, but about a week ago i had told my school councillor about a plan to shoot up my school, (dont worry i dont have a gun, and i have no idea how to get one) which has brang up heated discussion with the school board and the police. This caused me to miss alot of school, and now i have to work it all up again.

    Eeverything seems so hopeless, every councillor i've talked to says how brave i am, and how its going to be alright. But that just starts to piss me off because i know it isnt, and it also pissess me off why they treat me like a kid. Dont get me wrong, i dont hate eveyone, im just kind of cautious, and i trust no one.

    To be honest i dont know why im even typing this at 2 in the morning, maybe i really do want to be cured, and am choosing the internet to dump my problems down, but it certainly does feel a little good. however, i fear this whole is just a tidbit of my problems.
  2. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Well I just want you to know that I also masturbate frequently. I don't think it is something to be ashamed of (unless you are into the whole religion thing, which would be a bit contradictory), in fact I am rather proud of exactly how quickly I can plug up the shower drain. (22 sec once).
  3. j86

    j86 Well-Known Member

    Low self-esteem along with self-abuse can very well be a sign of major depression.
    School is also a huge critical point in making your depression worse.

    Don't let depression get the best of you. Sadly, I had to find out the hard way and had to withdraw from both high school and college.

    Please consider seeing a counselor who knows what the hell he is doing. Find a counselor can be hard, especially finding the right one.
    Find one in which you feel strongly connected to.

    I can feel you there though with hating your environment. I really dislike my area so much and it does depress me. There's not much I can do about it except make positive self-changes.

    As for the masturbation comment, depression can lead to frequent masturbating. I've noticed that and quite frankly i've noticed when I masturbate most it's when i'm bored or down.

    Everyone is out to get you, eh? I can also understand your feelings. This could be from anxiety in which I have. I've developed a lot of anxiety due to nervous behavior during my school days. Medication helps the best but if you can't get any, meditation is the key.

    And there's no problems in having gay feelings. It was hard for me to come to terms with being gay but i've come to accept it since then and that was a load off of my depression.

    Take care,
  4. TyDe

    TyDe New Member

    I'll take your advice j86, and i don't know how you guys did it but you made me laugh at masturbation, thanks.