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well, this will proally sound dumb

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by FBD, Jun 13, 2010.

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  1. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    i hate getting better, i mean its what i want but 1 day of forgetting meds brings me back to where i was not nearly as deep, but its a taste and i wanna be there, its like its calling me, its where im supposed to be im supposed to be. then the next day, its a task to make myself take the meds, i dont want to i want to slip back and go into the darkness its where i need to be, where things make sense, where even thou im alone, im not-its not like someones there with me, but its like i need to be there, ive been pushing people away, ive been living in my room, ive been shunning daylight and want to let myself spiral downward, the comfort in it, it calls to me...i just wonder, can i just stop i mean if i want to go back, why keep fighting it?

    maybe this doesnt go here, if it doesnt sorry, i dont really know what this is...sorry..feel free to move it
  2. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    At times I have felt similar so I understand where you are coming. After dealing with depression for a long time it begins it feel normal.
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    That's half the problem. You've been in the same situation for such a long time, you don't know what it's like without it. Kinda like brainwashing I guess? Somedays I would like to get better(not that I actually am lol) and others I just couldn't give a crape :p.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know how you feel about being locked away in your room.. I have been doing it for 21 years..My sister tells me to go out in the living room when she is at work.. But I don't.. My room is my safe place..The only friends I have are the ones I have made here..Some I have taken from the forum into the real world.. They live thousands of miles away but are putting forth the effort to come to Florida and meet in person..So you aren't alone there are several members here who isolate to there bedrooms..You really should be in therapy.. It has gotten me to the point where I am able to go out in the early mornings before the crowds hit..I've been in therapy for five years..
  5. Theseus

    Theseus Well-Known Member

    It's not dumb, I feel like that a lot of the time as well. But I try to hang on to some semblance of sanity. Which is why I am so afraid of losing my job. The job keeps me from falling over. It is regular, guaranteed contact to the outside world. I am very aware if I continued to cut myself away, it'll only get worse.
  6. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    I'm in counseling, here at school, if I don't they kick me outta housing so yeah...it's weird I know people I have no problem talking to people, if you sw me you'd think I was confident and could talk to anyone.

    I've gotten so good at hiding everything, I can be around people, if I need to be I'm just letting myself find reasons not to be. Around people it looks as thou nothing is wrong...I do t even know if anythings wrong I mean I can function in society...I've always been able to, maybe thats the problem, there is Jo problem. I've always been ok in public, I've hated every second of it, but vie been there ive been a leader I've talked in front of crowds. Maybe I should just go back, cause there was nothing to fix, people could never even tell something was wrong...well except for someone, but she lived with me when I was relatively bad and saw me at night, after the front was gone. But what front, that's how I am...I'm not broken I don't need fixing I never did I've never been broken...I need to stop treating this non-existent problem. It's stupid it's dumb I'm not actually sick, I'm normal I'm probably a hypochrondriac and that's what it is.....

    Sorry if that made no sense....I have no idea what's going on in my head right now

    F this I took those dumb meeds today too
  7. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    ive always thought there was someyhing wrong with my brain and the way it works...but maybe im wrong,maybe i did it to myself. has anyone else ever felt like this? like maybe your not sick? i duno ive had people tell me something is wrong, but i also know a lot of people who dont think anythings wrong with me...i duno i guess im struggling with this right now...
  8. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    To address your second and more recent question: I've felt a lot of times that maybe there's nothing wrong with me; that maybe I'm just latching onto the problem and using it as an excuse, or over-thinking things and falling into these behaviours because they confirm how I think I'm supposed to be acting. I think at the end of the day though, you're the only one who is going to be able to tell if there is anything wrong with you, regardless of what other people may think. I'm like you in that I am very good at pretending things are okay and putting on a front so that nobody else would suspect anything was wrong with me. It's what's inside that counts though, and if you don't show that to other people, then how can they be a good judge of whether there is really something wrong with you or not?
  9. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    I guess vie never thought about it like that, just because it means admitting everytigng to someone else and it's so hard for me to do that. There's this i don't even want to admit to myself, let alone someone else.
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