I know I haven't had any sort of presence on the site for a while, and a lot has happened since that time. So, my mum found out I was attempting suicide. Like that's going to stop me from trying. Anyway, I had to see a psychiatrist, I was asked many repetitive questions and everyone pretty much try to force feed me delusions of grandeur, a future where I could be happy. Why is it so difficult for people to comprehend that some people are just fucked from the day they are born, warning signs for the rest of the population on how not to live your life. I'm really not in the mood now for all that sappy bullshit about how "things can always get better!" or "Lots of people with depression have improved their lives, you can too, if you just try!" Unfortunately, if I was in any sort of position, ability or motivation to "try" I would be at least slightly better off. But I really am not. Also, I'm not like "other" people. Even a lot of the most depressed people have something to carry them on, one small reason or a desire that carries them on through their miserable lives. And I have nothing. Back to my recap, I was prescribed some medication. At least, I think it's medication, because it might as well be fucking sugar tablets for all the good it does to me. I have to get these obnoxious deluded twats coming around my house to "check up on me" and ask me questions about my mood, and, truthfully, all I can say is "same as always", which is pretty much rock-bottom. Every single day I think about ending my pathetic existence, and how satisfying it would be to succeed in doing so, finally doing something right for once in my life. I'm not very good in my attempts, though, since obviously I am still alive at the time of typing this. A few weeks ago, however, I ingested something pretty bad. I got sent from hospital to hospital, vomiting all the way, before eventually being trapped inside the most boring mental hospital imaginable for a brief period. I enjoyed it, however. Being in pain and being humiliated in public was perfectly fine with me. But it's still not enough. Only when I'm dead will everything truly be better. Of course my worthless excuse for a family was "Saddened and upset" by the whole situation. As fucking if. I know for a fact that my family would be better off without me. Perhaps they will gain a quiet glee from my departure from this mortal coil. I've learned to never give a shit about anything except trying to get rid of myself as quickly as possible. Because I really don't feel I give a shit about anything. Even if I had a sudden change of heart, there's nothing I really have to go back to. I've been skipping school, partially because I can't stand it, partially because I can't be bothered with doing anything but play games and watch videos on the internet, and partially because I can. I've probably missed a lot, and there's no way I could recap properly since prelims for my exams are coming up soon. Even if I left school, what the fuck could I do? As if I could get into the shittiest college ever, I'm about as intelligent as a dirty puddle in a shit-stained rotten alley, and I am about six times shallower. I have pretty much no positive traits, and am a social vegetable, so you can go fuck yourself if you think I could ever get a job. Appearance-wise, "Anthropomorphic shitstain" would be a compliment in comparison to what would be a more fitting way to describe me. I doubt you can imagine how intensely fucking angry I get when some useless fuck here, or anywhere else, thinks they can give shitty advice on how to improve things that are about as effective as trying to destroy titanium with sandpaper. I doubt you can imagine how intensely fucking angry I get when a little shit somewhere thinks they really have "suffered" from depression yet have recovered, and egg on the naive into believing there really was some hope out there. Maybe I was one of those people. Maybe I believed things could improve, at least slightly. Maybe I once believed in these delusions of grandeur. But not now. I need to die, by any means necessary. I know none of you will understand. Perhaps you are one of these naive people, like my psychiatrist or the home visitors or my family. Perhaps you think my life will get better if I just "THINK POSITIVE!" Maybe you'll post a reply to this thread saying the same useless shit every other post on this fucking forum says. But you'd be wasting your time. I am going to kill myself soon, and I am going to have to be extremely stubborn about this decision. Good riddance.