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  1. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I seriously just don't know what to do anymore. I can't talk to anyone about except on here. Everyone's got great advice on here. But its the same subject I've been in for a while. But with new drama. The more I don't stand up and say NO for myself the more stressed I get. The longer its going to drag out and be used or convinced. Wtf can't I say a simple 2letter word. It came out easy when I was a kid. I feels like its the worst word that could ever come out of my mouth. In my head I tell this person off easily. But its constant!!! I don't think about anything els. It didn't even give me relief to reject the calls. She showed up at my house! I can't take it anymore its taking a toll. I'm want to hurt myself over it. And its a shame. Where did I sign up for this in the first place. Why do I have to be tested so hard. I hate making up lies and excuses to be litteral be safe from harm. Jail or dead and I didn't even do anything, but if it went down I would be at the house, and I know at the least I will be questioned. I'm not cut out for that shit. Just thinking about makes me want to die. But I don't want to die! Not because of this shit. The situation is that they are big time drug dealers on the run, but want me to stay with them at their house cause they are scared, help them pack there stuff and help them relocate. 1. Thet they owe a lot of money to people higher then them and 2. They are running from the police. They where in a high speed chase that was called of cause of danger to the public. This is a family member that is using that as a tactic. I even said I feel suicidal, which has truth to it, but she dosnt know its because of her situation. But she was like just come up here we can help each other threw this. I just don't know. Seriously don't know. What's messed up the most is there a 2 kids in this house. Calling authority would be suicide.
     
  2. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I knew what to say to help this situation better. All I can say is we're here for you. Don't give up hope. I do hope things gets better. Keep reaching out if it help. Hugs Stay strong
     
  3. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I am glad we have different last names. Can't say that for her bf kids. They get pulled over for no reason and asked where their father is, and know they have obligation to answer.One of the sons was let go from the police force.
     
  4. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    How are you doing? Hugs
     
  5. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I feel like I'm going to loose my marbles! Sheer terror. She wants me to call her now! I'm thinking about having my mom text her to leave me alone but then she will know of told my mom stuff. I can't believe how oblivious she is to other peoples feeling. ME: I'm feeling suicidal, oh ok, but can you still come listen to my bullshit for an hour or 5. I can't even call my therapist to talk to her cause she dosnt know how she can help me if she doesn't know the specific situation. With this she would probably get one hell of a promotion.
     
  6. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Are you still having suicidal thoughts? Are you safe?
     
  7. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I want to get a restraining order, but that would be giving up names, numbers, addresses. Idk what to do? I don't want to self harm I don't want to do something stupid. Its so bad I feels like the only way out of this! Its not a temporary problem its been going on for 10 years now! But getting seriuos since the other clise call a few minths back That's how serious its getting. My head is spinning. My gut hurts. Pressure in my chest.
     
  8. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Is there any way to go to another place? move? Start fresh?
     
  9. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I can't leave here its my home. Its familiar. I don't do well with changes. There is no way I could move. She just called me on the phone begging me to go to another state with her for a few days. We will go to the zoo with the kids! Do some fun stuff!? Wtf. She said you know why I'm going there right but not say it over the phone. And yes I do know why. I told her I can't miss any more days of class, and she said to lie to them say I have family emergency but no matter what I say she has an answer.
     
  10. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Try to focus on you. I'm sorry all this is going on. Know we're always here.
     
  11. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    She wants me to go out of state with her and do i understand why but not to say it over the phone, yes i do know why! we will also do fun stuff also go to the zoo with the kids. And the kids really want me to go. And she says it would be a good break for me too. She knows I love to travel. I told her I can't miss my classes. She told me to lie that I have family emergency. No matter what I say she has an answer. I told her she is stressed I am stressed and we would but heads. I'm not going to go on a trip when I'm already stressed and crying all the time. And especially for what she's going for. Im sure even when they do get caught I will some how still be a fucking puppet. And get talked into stuff. She thinks I owe her because I stayed at her place for 5 months last year. I didn't ask to live there she wanted me to stay there cause she had no one els to listen to her crap constantly. Yelling, fighting. All day long even night. It was horrible there. And top of always on my mind about there house being raided. I ddidn't know the extent of the matter till I moved in. And I was always scared shitless. Even when I did get to the keys to my new place she told me not to tell her bf that I got my keys and stay there longer, and I did for almost another month.
     
  12. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wisg I could fix it and have a solution. I'm still here listening.
     
  13. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I agree, put the focus on you. YOU are important here.

    What is the worst thing that could happen if you said no. Nope. Not going.
     
  14. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    If I say no then what happened last time will happen. Highlights: I'm a pill popper which didn't bother me. Cause I'm not sometimes if I feel tired enough I won't take a sleeping pill. I'm a piece of shit that needs help, which I'm getting. This didn't bother me either. But telling me to go cut myself, which I did. And said don't ever contact any of my family again even my dad. Which I ignored and still talked to him. Watch my back and that I know what there capable of doing. I lived in fear and didn't leave my house only if absolutely had to. And had to time things out and know where I shouldn't go at certain times of the day. And other stuff. And all if that because I told her I didn't want to be up there with her anymore after an insident happened that was a close call. This,was after I moved out that I stayed with her. But one of there people got busted well his son. And she woke everyone up screaming he got busted, this was 2 a.m. and she handed me a box and told me to go Burris it off the property. And had me load up a bunch of stuff in my truck and take it to my house. So I did. For 3 weeks I stayed there while this ate me up inside fear. So after 3 weeks goes by I finally told her I didn't want to be up there any more and I didn't want her stuff at my house and... That lasted for hours of saying I was a peice of shit and I let the family down, I'm weak. And I need to think real hard about what I just did. And she will never ever be there for me again. So lose her number and watch my back. 3ish months go by. I was starting to feel ok, but didn't actually realize it till I get a call, its her saying she has no one to talk to or understands her can we just go back to how things where and be family the kids miss and ask about me all the time. I was like idk. And she said it will all be ok, but, her bf is still mad at me and I need to apologize to him.... So she hands the phone over to him, well she makes me call her back to make it seem like I called her first cause her bf would well.,...soooo that's why I'm afraid to say NO
     
  15. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    How do I focus on myself? I know what not to do for certain. But what does focus on myself really mean, sorry if it seems like a dumb question, forgive my brain is mash potato right now.
     
  16. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    You need to take care of you. One time, I was in a controlling relationship, I had to move to another location (several states away) just to start fresh. To be some place no one knew who I was. I guess for me, I got use to moving around. Hugs I hope you are able to feel better soon.
     
  17. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry had to move states away, it must have been Hard. I have lots of family and friends here, other than this one im having trouble with. I wouldn't know what to do without them. When I need I will call and make plans to go to friends or families house to get threw something that is wrong. Whit out having to say anything. It is a skill I use often. And it has saved my life.
     
  18. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    But this one is for sure I can't say anything about!
     
  19. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Is there someone you trust and feel comfortable with that you can stay with that can help you feel better?
     
  20. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I have a bird and there is no way I'm leaving her behind. She is everything to me. And all of my friends and family live here. I'm in a town of 30,000 people, not to big.
     
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