my time is getting short and i'm having a hard time decideing whether to leave some kind of message. i thought about an email but that would be too quick and likely cause a very awkward situation. if i sent a letter it could take a while. i don't want to be found a week after passing. i don't want to do it in my folks house so i'm hoping for nice weather so i can take a walk out of town and find a quiet place or at least a spot in the back yard. some time next week after monday maybe. i can't really get my prep work done until after this saturday. getting a little anxious about everything, kinda like butterflies in the stomache. wish i could start sooner, soo many triggers lately. i keep catching myself slipping into a cold emotionless state when i'm around others yet when alone i slip back and forth because i actually hate it when i feel. i think everyone around me suspect this is coming yet its something they won't acknowledge, they'll all act like its a huge suprise. i don't need any responses to this. i just needed to see this stuff in writing and felt the need to openly tell some people what's going on even if i don't know them.