Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jhhop, Feb 3, 2010.

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  1. jhhop

    jhhop Well-Known Member

    my time is getting short and i'm having a hard time decideing whether to leave some kind of message. i thought about an email but that would be too quick and likely cause a very awkward situation. if i sent a letter it could take a while. i don't want to be found a week after passing. i don't want to do it in my folks house so i'm hoping for nice weather so i can take a walk out of town and find a quiet place or at least a spot in the back yard. some time next week after monday maybe. i can't really get my prep work done until after this saturday. getting a little anxious about everything, kinda like butterflies in the stomache. wish i could start sooner, soo many triggers lately. i keep catching myself slipping into a cold emotionless state when i'm around others yet when alone i slip back and forth because i actually hate it when i feel. i think everyone around me suspect this is coming yet its something they won't acknowledge, they'll all act like its a huge suprise.
    i don't need any responses to this. i just needed to see this stuff in writing and felt the need to openly tell some people what's going on even if i don't know them.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please, talk about what's wrong, about why you want to do this.
  3. lifemoreordinary

    lifemoreordinary New Member

    we want to respond to you jon... you have reached out and that is a good thing...please talk to us more...come to the chatroom, pm...just keep talking..there are people who want to listen to you...
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is good you opened up now continue to do so okay let us know why you are feeling this way. Have you tried reaching out for help to your doctor Your parents family will be so devasted their lives will be affected forever Please continue to reach out for help.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    There are many paths you can follow.. Why not explore them and hopefully you will find a positive one so you can put this behind you.. You neeed to weight out all your options.. Don't let depression grab you by the ass and pull you down.. Fight for your life..Things change all the time..Give yourself the oppurtunity to find out..Take care!!
  6. jhhop

    jhhop Well-Known Member

    from my experience talk is cheap and solves very little. i have too many medical and emotional problems to deal with. i have no health care, job, or friends. there is no support system for me. i have nothing to look forward to, i am locked in null existence. so i am doing what i know is best for me. i just have to make sure that i do this right.
  7. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    my name is john as well. lets be friends
  8. jhhop

    jhhop Well-Known Member

    i hope you all don't think too badly of me, i do appreciate your responses. this is something that has been building for a very long time and has to happen. once i am set i tend to focus on the chore at hand with little or no though. i know that when the day comes next week i will do everything needed most likely without even thinking about it. kinda like cruise control or auto pilot. it happens to me alot when i feel stress. i'm past the fear of pain and 'what's on the other side' stuff. the only things i fear now are getting caught, failing, and what my kids will think; they are 1200 miles away and i haven't seen them in almost 3 yrs so my guess is they won't be too bothered.
  9. jhhop

    jhhop Well-Known Member

    well everyone has left for their vacation. i should be by myself for at least 3 weeks.
    i am having my first smoke in almost 3 yrs and my first drink in just as long. found a couple of small bottles of korean liquor my folks forgot they had. must be about 15 yrs old. they left a bunch of numbers in case i need anything. funny, their way of telling me they have people that will be checking up on me.
    i've been holed up in my room for almost 3 days.
    a cousin and brother showed up to go with my folks and neither even tried to talk to me, i didn't even know my brother had shown up until i read a note left for me. i'm too old to have people watching over me, i feel bad that it has come to this.
    i'll drink 1 bottle while getting my prep work done over the next few days and save the other for the actual event.
    i forgot how much i missed smoking and drinking. has really calmed me.
    i think i'll clean the house as much as possible without tearing it apart (mom is kind of a hoarder).
    as soon as the stores open i think i will walk down and buy some of the stuff i'll need to start. looks like i have to go for at least this coming up friday.
  10. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    No one feels badly of you yourself Jhop or shouldn't do, only for what you must be going through. It is a terrible Illness. Nearly everyone here is willing to listen and will try and help or at least try and point you in the right direction if they can so thank you for giving us that chance.

    In my experience you are right about some people not knowing what to do when someone close to them has shut themselves out so much. Depression can be hard to deal with for all concerned so they might be feeling helpless as well. While leaving the telephone numbers might not seem to be enough to you, It still shows (well, sounds to me), that they want you okay as do we. No one can help you more than yourself though and while that can be extremely hard to find right now it is there somewhere, you just need to find it and if your willing to let us help you find it we will certainly try.

    All the best to you

    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2010
  11. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    hang in there John dont give up.keep posting we are here for you.
    Is your family aware of your situation? i mean are they actually aware about you having a mayor depression and dont think you are just "sick"? is there anyone who you can talk to?
    keep posting mate we all know how important it is to have a listening ear in those horrible times.i am not sure what to say your post make me sad.dont hesistate to pm if you want to talk about it. over here nobody will judge you
  12. jhhop

    jhhop Well-Known Member

    i don't know how to answer your responses. my parents have known about my depression since i was 12 yrs old yet refuse to believe it is real. i almost killed myself a few yrs ago, spent 4 days in icu. no visits, no questions from anyone, not even my doctors. i lost my wife then my job, broke the law and went to prison for almost 3 yrs.
    no visits again, i got the obligatory cards on holidays and that was it. the only reason i'm in their home is because they feel guilty. living in a cave alone would be better than this.
    i can't get treatment for my diabetes let alone any other medical or mental problems. everyone thinks i'm a stuck up ass yet won't believe i have been tested as being paranoid, very borderline and schizoid, as a result i am so antisocial i can barly walk to the store or my po's office. i can't even be in a room with other people. i don't want to miss out on so many things yet i have no way to get better.
    my kids don't need the stigma of a crazy ex-con father hanging over them. even if i got better the ex-con thing won't go away.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2010
  13. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    oh men that sounds terible i hate seing people "pretending" like they care.one would be better of if they dont care at all, at least that way you want get false hope. i know to well how that feels. it sucks.sorry to hear about your situation i realy feel for you. how do you get trough the day, are you able to do some work ? you name yourself "crazy father", i know this is hard but you should try to see yourself as "temporary sick" somehow you must keep a goal in eyes. im sorry it sounds so easy coming from me i know but all you can do is work on yourself eat healthy (very important!) have enough physical movement and people to talk to. here you can allways talk without being judged we will keep listening and try to convince you to keep fighting. at least here we do know we all have some kind of problem at SF. in our normal home enviroment we need to stand on our head and sing a song before people start to think something could be wrong with us, this makes it very very hard if nobody takes on serius.keep posting buddy you still have children to fight for
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2010
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    please keep talking to us jhhop ...we will listen...
  15. jhhop

    jhhop Well-Known Member

    i had planned on tomorrow but decided to postpone my attempt. after everyone left for vacation last sat i was real down, by tuesday i was feeling numb....not down or up. by wed night i was actually feeling a bit hopeful about the future. i know that i'm probably fooling myself yet i'd like to think something positive can happen for me. i find that i tend to delude myself at times and i don't see the reality before me.
    being by myself feels good, no pressure from others real or imagined.
    i decided that i can kill myself anytime, there's so much i don't want to miss. i'll just put my kit somewhere safe and wait awhile.
    i'm dreading everyones return. my mother tricked me and my brother into talking on the phone tonight. i wasn't happy about it, i could tell he wasn't either. made me angry now i'm just real down again. we haven't communicated for almost 3 yrs.
    i don't want any relationships anymore no matter who the people are. i'll maintain one with my folks because i have to but that will be it. if i knew thing would be so bad now i would have been more serious with my prior attempts years ago.
    so much loneliness and depression over the years has really warped my outlook.
    just rambling, no replies needed.
  16. jhhop

    jhhop Well-Known Member

    i'm real low again (real suprise). i called my folks in florida about their rv yesterday, they told me they'll be back this next saturday. crushed any good feelings i had, the feelings of pressure are back.
    i called my brother 2 days ago and asked him to help me with something. he said he'd be over in a little bit. finally showed up with his wife today. he called before hand and i let the machine pick up. i felt paniced and mad at the same time. i just wanted to leave so i wouldn't have to see them. i decided to stay because i didn't want them making a fuss. visit was about 5 minutes. it was a check up so they could make a report to the folks.
    after they left i walked to a convenience store for smokes. took me about 5 minutes to work up the nerve to actually go in. i couldn't get out fast enough. too many people around. the feelings of panic are so crippling and afterwards so depressing.
    once i got back to the house i decided to see if i could find some contact info for my kids, i needed something to hope for, something familiar and good from my past . i found a blog for my former step daughter from last year. i checked it out, one of the biggest mistakes i have done.
    she had a photo album with all my ex-inlaws and my kids. my kids looked happy. my ex was with someone i always though she was interested in, her brother in law from her first marriage. he was always haning around. i realize now how naive i was and that my 18 yrs of marriage with her were nothing but a sham. I found out that they had moved in together 4 weeks after i was arrested 3 yrs ago. everyone around me has known about all of this the whole time yet never told me. it hurts so much to find out how quick and easy it was for my family to replace me and why they don't want to contact me.
    i feel so foolish to have let my life go so wrong. A bad decision on my part caused all this-a 5 minute mistake out of desperation.
    i'm now back to planning and completing my kit. i don't know when but i'm hoping to find the courage and determination to act soon. at least this is a good decision.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2010
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