Well...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SiCKxSAViOUR, Oct 12, 2010.

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  1. SiCKxSAViOUR

    SiCKxSAViOUR Member

    Here's my story...
    <p>I'm not depressed, I'm just bored of living. I'm not trying to be insensitive or anything, depression is a serious problem and is often overlooked, please get help if you are feeling depressed, I've been through it. Its tough, it really is and I can relate to anyone that has a dysfunctional family, the feeling of being trapped and basically anything else. My first suicidal thought was at age 8.</p>
    <p>You see I was born into addiction. Not me personally, but my parents. Years and years of heartbreak, confusion, anger and suicidal feelings. My mother and father constantly fought, over what, I don't recall. When I was probably 10 or so my grandmother got custody of my brothers and I. She is very Catholic. I was too at that point, now I'm agnostic I suppose. I hate my grandmother, not for pulling me away from my mother, I completely understood that. But for the way she is towards me. She has an extreme dislike for me, but I'm not going to get into it(It would make this already large wall of text, much, much larger.)</p>
    <p>Off and on through my teenage years, I would move back in with my mother, and she would assure me things would be perfect and that my life would get better. And each and every time, she lost me to drugs. I felt betrayed. Lost. Hopeless. And unloved. Then when i was 15 or 16 my father was arrested for attempted murder. Was he guilty? I honestly don't know. Nor do I care. After he was released he cut off all contact with my brothers and I.</p>
    <p>I then graduated high school when I was 17. Average grades, average GPA. I was an underachiever. I didn't care. I'll explain that later. Then after 3 months of doing nothing I decided to go to ITT Tech for Game Design. I graduated with an associates degree. Again, average grades, average GPA.</p>
    <p>I am now 21. Working at Wal-Mart. Engaged to a very wonderful girl. Struggling at the moment with bills, but that's only because Wal-Mart cut my hours, but they will soon pick back up. I'm worried, but hopeful. I'm happier than I've ever been. I still live with my grandmother until I go full time and I can move out with my fiance.</p>
    <p>Now, onto my dilemma. I basically don't care to live. I believe it's my personality. I'm not "happy" but I'm content. I'm a very morbid person. I'm a realist. And a cynic. I'm very misanthropic. My personality isn't a happy one. I just don't enjoy living, it has grown redundant and I'm bored of it. These feelings are much different from when I was clinically depressed. Now I just don't see the point. Of anything. I honestly feel like I'm not meant for this world. My existence is purely arbitrary.</p>
    <p>If you read this, then I thank you. I am told I give very good advice, if anyone needs any. I would like to be a psychiatrist, but I don't want to go to school for 12 years. But my dilemma still stands. I don't know what to do.</p>


    Some of my interests(just so you know me a bit more):
    Music. I love music. Black Metal. Death Metal. Prog rock. Psychedelia.
    Bands; Opeth, Mayhem, Pink Floyd, Bloodbath.
    Games. Huge gamer. Halo mainly.
    I love technology. I'm basically a geek and a nerd. But I don't fit the stereotypes.

    I do apologize for the large amount of text.

    <i>I am a mortal, but am I human?
    How beautiful life is now when my time has come
    A human destiny, but nothing human inside
    What will be left of me when I'm dead?
    There was nothing when I lived</i>
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi you had a rough life no wonder you have a numbness to your feelings. I believe you do have depression but you need to go to doctors and get diagnosed professionally and get treatment okay. glad you joined here first step to reaching out.
     
  3. assek

    assek Well-Known Member

    hi and welcome ! glad to have you here. im sorry you've had such a difficult upbringing, you seem like a very strong person. i agree with violet, please see someone *hugs*
     
  4. Cosmos Atom

    Cosmos Atom Member

    Exactly how I feel. It's like I've travelled beyond the depressed, self obsessed poor me stage to one of utter numbness. I exist but I don't feel alive. I'd be quite happy to just live out my days until natural death in this zombie state but the modern world won't allow that and I'm forced to join and be part of the society that I despise so much.

    I've decided to set myself one more year to live. I'm going to let random events dictate which direction I go over the next year and whether or not I'm meant to survive.
     
  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Hi, being content is all we can hope for and im glad that you are. None of us have a right to happiness but with self work it may well occur. I try to be content and hope that one day love and happiness will walk alongside me, but long ago i stopped banking on that.
    Having a look in the mirror really helps, being honest with yourself.
    Get out more, stop gaming and do something for other people.
    No one said it was easy but by learning to love yourself the goodness that is inside you will shine out.
    You have a girlfriend and some family, how wonderful is that!
    I wish you lots of luck in life but remember, without intention nothing will change! regards Pete
     
  6. SiCKxSAViOUR

    SiCKxSAViOUR Member

    I honestly wish I had enough time to post my story in more detail. But I don't. And I'm not going to stop gaming, I believe you think its my addiction. It's not. Its a hobby and how I talk to my friends. And I know them all personally.
    I feel like I'm drifting through life without purpose. But at the same time, I don't care. I await my demise and the thought of death used to keep me up at night, but not anymore.
    As for my girlfriend. Well, we are basically exact opposites. She is very Christian. I am not. We have different tastes in music, movies and life. I am afraid we will one day drift apart. We have no intimacy whatsoever. And I see that as a red flag. But perhaps I am shallow.
    I'm not thinking about suicide, I'm just afraid if I do, nothing would be able to stop me.
    But I have to go to work now. :(


    PS. Usually I don't put a huge focus on my grammar and vocab, but when I am serious I do(I don't want to come across as snide or anything like that). I also have a sense of humor, but again, I'm in serious mode.
    And I am saddened my html didn't work. lol.
     
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