...I cried for my gran last night.
Since she died in June 2004, I have shed literally one tear for her. It was like she just went away one day and took all my emotions with her. My family all commented on how stoic I was. And I know that my parents think my gran's death contributed to the cutting they found out I'd been doing the following January. They don't know about the suicide thing, let alone that that began in the previous January.
Don't think that this was her death suddenly sinking in or anything. I don't know. I accepted it awhile ago and stuff. But last night I was just lying thinking, jeez. I don't know. Suddenly I wished she was here. I know she wouldn't know anything about any of this even if she was here; but while I'm going into this really scary bit with uni and whatnot, she would be there, praying for me and sure that I was going to succeed and be ok. And even though I don't believe in God...just knowing that someone really, truly believed that I would be ok and get through everything...I miss that. I suddenly find myself missing it so much...
And in case you're thinking of my parents...my mum told me she's so proud that I'm going to uni. But the two of them are just waiting for me to slip up again, I know it. Everyone keeps saying "Uni is going to be a lot of work, you know." As though I don't already know this, as though they expect me to fall behind straight away and to fail, because that's what I always do.
I don't know when this happened; the move from me being the strong one to the one who fails at everything. I mean, I know when it happened for me, I was never strong, people just thought I was. Standing outside the gospel hall after my gran's funeral, my mum and auntie clining to each other and crying loud, could not have looked more different than they ever had. All these people clapping their hand on my shoulder and telling me, "Be strong for your mum." But maybe I was never strong. I know when it happened for them, though. That day when my sleeves were rolled up and those scars exposed; the most fundamental sign of weakness and betrayal they could imagine. I chose to keep things secret. I chose not to talk to them. They think I did it because of being weak.
That wasn't how I was weak. I was weak in that I couldn't kill myself. I tried, once. And nearly again, once. I cut...deeper than I ever had before. It wasn't even half the depth of some of the last cuts I made, and even they were pathetic. I am just pathetic. The other time, I tried to stockpile pills. It didn't work. I was ready, I was so fucking ready. I probably wouldn't have been able to do that either, if it came to it.
Fucking pathetic.
I'm sorry, I'm just pathetic. Last night was the first time in a while I've actually been able to cry. I got triggered the other day, stupid film, stupid me for being triggered by a film. But all I could think was, "That's so pretty. I could do that, it would be so pretty. Fuck, I want to do that." etc. I've wanted to cut alot lately. My year of "Just stop, just get through this year without cutting" is nearly up :-( October 19th. Stupid time limits.
I don't know what the point of this post is. All I know is, I cried last night because my gran is gone, and no one I know in real life believes that I can really do this uni thing without self-destructing.
As for me...I just don't know anything any more.
Since she died in June 2004, I have shed literally one tear for her. It was like she just went away one day and took all my emotions with her. My family all commented on how stoic I was. And I know that my parents think my gran's death contributed to the cutting they found out I'd been doing the following January. They don't know about the suicide thing, let alone that that began in the previous January.
Don't think that this was her death suddenly sinking in or anything. I don't know. I accepted it awhile ago and stuff. But last night I was just lying thinking, jeez. I don't know. Suddenly I wished she was here. I know she wouldn't know anything about any of this even if she was here; but while I'm going into this really scary bit with uni and whatnot, she would be there, praying for me and sure that I was going to succeed and be ok. And even though I don't believe in God...just knowing that someone really, truly believed that I would be ok and get through everything...I miss that. I suddenly find myself missing it so much...
And in case you're thinking of my parents...my mum told me she's so proud that I'm going to uni. But the two of them are just waiting for me to slip up again, I know it. Everyone keeps saying "Uni is going to be a lot of work, you know." As though I don't already know this, as though they expect me to fall behind straight away and to fail, because that's what I always do.
I don't know when this happened; the move from me being the strong one to the one who fails at everything. I mean, I know when it happened for me, I was never strong, people just thought I was. Standing outside the gospel hall after my gran's funeral, my mum and auntie clining to each other and crying loud, could not have looked more different than they ever had. All these people clapping their hand on my shoulder and telling me, "Be strong for your mum." But maybe I was never strong. I know when it happened for them, though. That day when my sleeves were rolled up and those scars exposed; the most fundamental sign of weakness and betrayal they could imagine. I chose to keep things secret. I chose not to talk to them. They think I did it because of being weak.
That wasn't how I was weak. I was weak in that I couldn't kill myself. I tried, once. And nearly again, once. I cut...deeper than I ever had before. It wasn't even half the depth of some of the last cuts I made, and even they were pathetic. I am just pathetic. The other time, I tried to stockpile pills. It didn't work. I was ready, I was so fucking ready. I probably wouldn't have been able to do that either, if it came to it.
Fucking pathetic.
I'm sorry, I'm just pathetic. Last night was the first time in a while I've actually been able to cry. I got triggered the other day, stupid film, stupid me for being triggered by a film. But all I could think was, "That's so pretty. I could do that, it would be so pretty. Fuck, I want to do that." etc. I've wanted to cut alot lately. My year of "Just stop, just get through this year without cutting" is nearly up :-( October 19th. Stupid time limits.
I don't know what the point of this post is. All I know is, I cried last night because my gran is gone, and no one I know in real life believes that I can really do this uni thing without self-destructing.
As for me...I just don't know anything any more.
:hug: 