Went to church for the last time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by touglytobeloved, Apr 20, 2008.

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  1. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Went to church today. Probably for the last time. i didnt wanted to go. But, she called me, she woke me up early in the morning, and ask me if I want to go to church. I said NO. I told her I dont want to go to church anymore, because I have made this decision a couple of months ago.
    She asked me: Are you sure?
    I said: Yes.
    She asked again: Are you sure?
    I said: Yes.
    She asked me again and again. I told her I dont want to go to church anymore, because I want to stop believeing in it, so if I go, Ill break the promise I have made to myself.
    She asked again: Are you sure? Please think about it, because i have read a book about ppl who were in the same situation, and went to church, and it makes them feel better. She told me: Think, and call me in five minutes to tell me if you want to go.
    I told her: OK, Ill call you back.
    After five minutes she called me again to ask me about my decision.
    I woke up my sister and ask her if she wants to go, she said YES, I told this girl we are going, and she asked: But you will come in, to?
    I said OK.
    We went to church after 30 minutes. We were there. We light a candles. I asked god for forgiveness for the future things Im going to do, I asked him for the last time to accept me and forgive me when Ill kill myself. I also light a candle for the people I love. A priest wrote a cross on my face with blessed watter, asked me about my name, and told me it is for health and salvation. Am I saved now? Am I going to heaven? Does god expecting me?
    I went to church today, I hope for the last time, I did the things I had to do, so Im ready to go now...
     
  2. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Well, after all I have break the promise I have made to myself.
     
  3. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Im a little drunk now (well, maybe a little more), drink a couple of glasses of white wine, I love white wine. Wrote this post about the church. I dont know if I still believe in God. I told this girl, Ill start believing God, when he will show me a sign of his existence.
     
  4. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    And Im still not sure If I believe or not. I want to believe in god, and also I dont want to believe. Maybe i believe in higher power, not god, maybe I dont. God has never shown me he is here for me. He has never been there for me. Is he with me? Will he be with me when Ill make the final step?
     
  5. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Went to church today, for the last time i hope...
    Did the things I had to do...
     
  6. Laus

    Laus Member

    Are you sure you don't want to go again? I don't think you should go to church and ask for God's forgiveness just so that he will 'save' you. You want God to save you and yet you said this morning that you made a promise not to believe. What do you believe and why do you want to kill yourself?

    *hugs*
     
  7. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Church and God aren't things, I think, that can be discussed as much in a post or two as they deserve. I'll give you my perspective in a nutshell. #1 God loves you. #2 God accepts you. #3 God wants your love and acceptance in return. It doesn't matter how much we think he has or hasn't done for us. That's a selfish point of view, like only having a friend based on what they will or won't do for us.

    So, basically there are those three issues to be considered and resolved. If you love and accept God into your circle of friends, it won't matter how you die or how long you live. Someone used the word "saved". All that means is the love and acceptance of a God who loves and accepts you, and you reciprocating that love and acceptance. Nothing really mystical about it. Very simple. God intentionally made it simple so even a child could know him through love and acceptance.

    I've loved God since I was a very young child. Of course there have been those times when I didn't do things that showed I deserved his love, but nothing can come between God and me. Not even the fact that I want to die. It might show a lack of trust on my part, but it won't ever keep me from my relationship with him. When the time comes that my life ends, God will welcome me to his home. Suicide won't earn me any brownie points, but I don't believe that it is a mortal sin. I think God's love is bigger than that, and I think that that's why I am at the place of acceptance of my death.

    Enough rambling. I think you have the basic knowledge to accept God's love and acceptance. It's a gift you will enjoy.

    Jim
     
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm glad that you went to church today and made peace with God toughtobeloved. I also went to temple today and it was really nice. Don't give up on God. I know that it's hard to believe in God after so many awful things have happened in your life, but hang in there. God doesn't reveal himself to everyone. You have to show God that you really want and need him in your life.
     
  9. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Actually Im not sure in anything. I said I made a promise that I will not go to church anymore, because i want to stop believing. Im not sure if I beieve or not.
    And why do I want to kill myself? Im ugly, I have health ptoblems, Im in love in a girl that can never love me, i also know that no one will love me, ever.
    If you want to know something more, here the threads i have started. Read especially firs one: life sucks when you...........
    http://www.suicideforum.com/search.php?searchid=507877
     
  10. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I have never felt his love. If I feel it, Ill accept it.
     
  11. Kimi

    Kimi Well-Known Member

    I used to love attending churches... I used to love visiting churches when I went on holidays... ... not any more....

    I even attended a service called 'healing service'...

    I just can't have faith anymore... A person who destroyed my life and another precious life has been blessed and has recieved wonderful life.. (from God and angels..?) I tried to tell the person what God says and this person dislike me talking about this.. However, this person has recieved life like a heaven... I've been having life like a hell and very suicidal all the time.. I've been being metantally tortured... I know two more people who was doing what God prohibited, but those people are having life like a dream life.. Why should I continue to have faith.... Life is extremely unfair..

    I am so sad that I won't be able to have faith anymore... so sad..
     
  12. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Yeah, me to.
     
  13. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    I know two more people who was doing what God prohibited,

    Considering to replace God's place in yourself with your own willpower & strength. More most people ,I noticed they relinquish their own inner stregnth to some form of omnipotent force to take care of them. Its not gonna happen. That is the cruel reality of life.Lets face them with an iron fist & conceived a new vision to make it easier ,less harder to deal challenges everyday. I believed that the best trait of being human is the power of the mind . It is boundless energy , we need to tap into it for our own survival
    purposes.

    Let me remind you that I am an aetheist & my opinions are purely based on my knowledge & experiences. And Mr. Darwin & I did not met eye to eye on this subject.
     
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