We're All a Waste of Life...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by FoundAndLost1, Jun 24, 2007.

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  1. I feel cornered, trapped, choking with depression. I’ve never been so low and lost and I’ve had many trips through hell. I cannot find any meaning in my life any longer and it’s been a long slow journey through recurring crises. I hardly know what to say, I’m so tired – there are no words to describe this despair. I’ve been ‘the strong one’ that everyone relied on, but I’ve lost all my gifts and my will to live on. I’m empty. I find no meaning – we just invent it all as we go along. I see the world in the big picture and we’re all doomed. And everything is for nothing. Too much has proved that.

    I was drinking heavily (daily) and was hospitalized twice this year for depression, brought on by a hundred things. The second time was pure torture and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough (had to fight for that right, even though I’d entered voluntarily). Then spent a week in a lovely respite care facility, which was the only relief I’ve had. I quit drinking for 9 whole weeks since my trip to the hospital, the memories of that hell too fresh. But something snapped and I’ve started again. There is nothing else for me to do. I’m purposeless, not even floating in oblivion, but dead weight. I hate this world and life and I used to love it. But my life has been stolen from me due to constant emergencies for the past 9 years…

    I don’t belong in this world, I’ve studied it long and hard. It’s a completely fucked up place. We’re a race of cockroaches who use and abuse and destroy the earth to its ends and see ourselves as top of the food chain, thinking we’re so brilliant, God’s gift – we’re a CURSE. I have no hope for us. I used to. Like I said, I’ve been watching a long time. The tally is insurmountable what bad shape we’re in. No one can help us and no one can help me. Death is so close I can taste it – in fact my drinking is a slow form of suicide. I can’t cope with the reality of this so-called “real world” - it’s all bullshit– I don’t fit in to “normal” whatever that is cause my life has been so fucked up constantly. I have no hope of things getting better as some of you might blithely suggest – SAVE IT for the gullible. I take the drugs, I go to counseling (ongoing)

    But no one can find my path for me. It’s disappeared. I’m a walking corpse. I’m too wounded. I have no energy. Living (suffering) has sucked me dry. I’m a waste of life here as are the rest of us, who fake our way with delusions and comfort zones and simple answers…


    FAL1
     
  2. Chemical Chaos

    Chemical Chaos Active Member

    yup, it does look rather bleak, doesnt it?

    history has told us to expect the worst, live experiancing the worst and die trying to beat the worst.
    humans all die, everyone is selfish, evil people get the good fortune and we're all suffocating in our own bile.

    however, my friend, there are a lot of good points too...and i know you're a different person to me and so i'm not going to patronise you by listing all my favourite things and expecting you to agree that they make it all worth it...

    but come on, there has to be SOMETHING, anything...that shines a little light onto you?

    enlighten me on them and at least it might distract you for a little while...


    Draven xxx
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    FAL1 Your words will come back to you with time. I know the path you have followed has not been an easy one. I know how you hate cliches so I won't make you suffer through them. So many times I have been inspired by your words in the poetry section. It would be a great loss not to have you around to add to them. Try again to stay away from the drinking. It only adds to the deep depression you are feeling. I wish there were more I could do to say or help you through this. Know that I am here if you need someone to bounce things off of. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
     
  4. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    FAL1, I'm afraid you just spoke the truth about mankind.

    The final question, when we have seen the state of things, is this: can we live with this realization? Is it worth going on when we've figured out the truth: that there is no purpose hidden in our souls? That we're as lost as the withering flower that fights to stay alive as autumn ascends upon her.

    Can we fight everything life puts up against us when the very life we fight for is hopeless and without meaning?

    I can't. But can you?
     
  5. lost in space

    lost in space Well-Known Member

    I agree that life feels meaningless...after battling depression for over 40 years, I'm tired; tired of trying to find or create meaning...no more hope...its a cold world...I look foward to the end.
     
  6. I used to believe we all had purpose and that things happened for reasons we may not immediately grasp – a given. I’ve seen and watched so much suffering, including my own that has stolen that joy of “enlightenment” from me. I inevitably became weary after years of these episodes. It is a final toll right now. I don’t know why it happened. I have seen others around me go through crises and used to be able to offer words of thoughtfulness and comfort to them, even though they might not be immediately grasped. Thank you for all your replies, and surprisingly, the agreement.

    I used to be able to keep peace with the notion that life was a series of lessons, and many very hard, but there was nevertheless some deeper meaning – and even deeper strength to be gained. Life will inevitably kill us – no one gets out alive – it’s part of things, but as someone told me, “Shit Happens”…. and some of us get more than others – though some never encountering the dilemmas that challenge the stalwart soul. So long as they remain outside of the Big Picture, and outside of Nature, we surround ourselves with the platitudes that keep us from the very real pain that so many are enveloped by…

    And let me just add that what I believed before (which was *sacred* to me) was not a lie, but that a soul can become weary beyond words after too many trials… Thank you to all.

    FAL1
     
  7. I'm fading with a silent scream...
     
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