Were you ever happy?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ViolentGirl, May 29, 2014.

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  1. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member

    I can remember the exact moment my life went downhill and become a living hell. Before that, I was happy and had pretty much everything I wanted.

    Contrasting my life now against what is was back then kills me. I hate to see what I've become. My former self would be so ashamed of me.

    Knowing that I can't return to what I once had is the worst suffering of all. Knowing that no matter how good my life gets now it will still always be second best to how it was before...

    What about other people on this forum? Were you ever happy once?
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Yes I have been happy eutrophic even content, then well the circle of depression comes back around and I self destruct sometimes it is pushing those closest away isolating myself like I deserve, or worse harming myself punishing myself almost for having that happiness.

    I think what keeps me going is the fact that maybe at some point I will be happy again, and not destroy it like I always do…………….
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I was very happy and had the picture perfect life... until certain events started happening starting with the death of my mother when I was 12. Honestly, I too struggled with the knowledge of the reality that I can never again attain that same picture perfect life or who I was before all those things happened.... but I also have come to realize that it doesn't mean that I cannot mold myself and my life into something I can once again be proud of... and it all starts with me accepting both the fact that bad things happened and that I cannot change them along with the fact that just because they happened, it doesn't make me lesser in any way.....

    I won't say you ever truly move past certain hurts, but you can move on from them... and you can allow them to empower you rather than hurt you... the trick is finding the best way to do that.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I can't really ever remember being truly happy, which I guess is kind of sad. I often fear that I never will find happiness, and things will always be this bleak. It makes it hard to hold on, but I'm still here for some reason, and I'm still trying to figure out what that reason is.
  5. JustKindaThere

    JustKindaThere Well-Known Member

    I was when I was a kid.
  6. Jot the happy moments down and keep it. Read it when you feel you can't go on. :) I do have my happy moments even though it just lasted for a few seconds. I jotted down that happy moment as my protective factors.
  7. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I was happy until September of 2012. That's when everything changed for me. I just wish that I could be the way that I used to me. I'm so tired of having to live with so much pain and sorrow. It really makes me sick. It's so bad for me that I wish that I were dead all of the time. I used to really enjoy life but now it's all that I can do just to survive through each day. Life seems so unfair. I feel like life has played a nasty trick on me.
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I know exactly what you mean VG - I remember the exact moment **stuff** happened that changed the course of my life and I ended up in a black pit - but I promise you, it needn't be the end. I've spent the last 17 years learning from it (with help, support and a wonderful mentor) and can honestly say that although I would never ever put myself again in such a situation where *fate was tempted (I suppose)* - the learning has been invaluable, and more.......:)
  9. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member


    I know the exact date my life collapsed too. November 2000. My own personal Apocalypse. They used to say the world would end at the turn of 1999. Well, the world ended for me, because it was the last year I felt alive.
  10. ViolentGirl

    ViolentGirl Banned Member

    I wish I could say my suffering has been invaluable. I wish I could say that it's even been meaningful. But I can't find a purpose in suffering. Every moment spent suffering is just a wasted moment that could have been spent enjoying something.

    What else is there in life but pleasure? Yes, you can be a good person and make the world a better place, but if I'm suffering like hell then what the hell do I know about making the world a better place?
  11. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    for me it was spring/summer of 2005... I can understand you, it's not easy...
  12. BipolarOne

    BipolarOne Active Member

    I have Bipolar l. There are times I cross over from the depression end to the manic end. Occasionally, I get a happy feeling. That's usually a warning sign that I am entering a dangerous phase. Isn't that the pits!

    With Bipolar, there is a rating scale: +5 to +1 for mania, 0 means stable, -1 to -5 for depression. I go up and down the scale. When I feel good, I can't tell if I am stable, or if it means I'm in the manic zone. That is so frustrating. I don't know the last time I was just me and not ill.
  13. Bio

    Bio Member

    I only was happy in my childhood.
    But I'm still here, still alive.
  14. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Same here, although I'm not sure what exactly my childhood was '^^ I would say my childhood stretched out until I went to secondary school, from the beginning of that I had to be grown up.... But I think I'm becoming happy again lately.
  15. 880088

    880088 Member

    The only times I've been happy have been when I've managed create an illusion giving me the things I want to see in my life. I am too sensitive to accept reality so fantasy seems better, yet the moments where I lose that fantasy are the ones that push me to the edge.
  16. Mr.Smiles

    Mr.Smiles Member

    January 12th 1984. Not the last day I was happy... I was only 4 when my real father passed away. I remember not having anything for show and tell, I stood in front of the class and broke down because my dad just died. The worst part was that they all made fun of me cause I was crying. From then on almost every person I have gotten close to has either screwed me over bad or has died. I have 1 friend that I'm really close to and hasn't done anything wrong to me. I'm still here, still struggling to make it work for me. I've always thought of life as a movie. Some of the best movies I've seen have been kind of bad and slow till the end. The ending can make up for a lot, if I were to end it early I'll never know if it makes up for the rest.
  17. mandy

    mandy Well-Known Member

    I was happy as a kid, I mean I'm still kind of a kid but… My parent fought ALL the time like literally the worst I've ever seen any couple and it opened me up to the real world at a young age. I had already discovered that even my family wasn't okay, and then I looked at the outside world and it kind of went down hill from there. But I know I will reach happiness again; maybe not constant child like happiness but I will be happy. I will always have issues and life will always have problems that need to be solved, but I will be happy; and if you make it through you will be too :)
  18. Flip

    Flip Member

    I can't ever remember being happy and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. At least I don't mourn something I've lost but it would be good to have something to strive for. As it is, I can't see any positive points to living - I only continue because that's what's expected and, at the moment, I haven't got the energy to do anything about it.
  19. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you have never known happiness.. I had 12 yrs of it.. but since then all I've known is depression. I too continue at times only because it is expected... but one other thing carries me through too.. it is the quote that is my signature on this forum.. I don't wish to or intend to miss any of those moments that "take my breath away" if indeed there are still some out there, even if its only 1.. i believe i deserve them, i believe you do too

    what distractions do you have? sometimes thats the best thing to do when you get too low.. distract until the extreme feeling passes
  20. Ever Infinity

    Ever Infinity New Member

    Happy? Since our perceptions form our reality I don't think I've ever been truly happy in a long time; though even emotions aren't totally black and white but merely a plethora of shades of gray. I was diagnosed, among other things, with clinical major depression and I was surprised because I haven't felt any different for as long as I can remember. So, can one be depressed and still have true moments of "happiness"? I might have been happy at some point yesterday; the blur of the human consciousness has fogged my memory of all but the present. So yes perhaps I was happy yesterday.
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