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What a dissapointment.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Iorchova, May 26, 2007.

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  1. Iorchova

    Iorchova New Member

    Since I was young I haven't exactly been happy. My dad was often angry and my mom was always working. When I started school I never really made any friends. My grades were great up until the fifth grade. I would get a lot of my work done late, and it was usually done poorly. This continued through until this school year(which, thankfully, is over). As of right now I've been extremely depressed and suicidal, but at the same time happy. Now that school is over I can be as depressed as I want with no consenquences.

    My life has just been a wreck and I'm sick of it. People never talk with me, they never pay attention to me, no one cares about what I Have to say about anything, and no one accepts my help. My grades are horrible, and only because I have no motivation to do my homework anymore. I would get C's D's and F's on my assignments, but at the same time I got A's and B's on my exams and tests. I would call in sick just because It was too much and I just needed a day alone, and I've always wanted to try and commit suicide.

    But try as I might, I can't. I don't even have the guts to do it. So I'm forced to live like this every day. My room is a mess, the house is a mess, and the entire day all I do is either sleep, eat, use the computer, watch tv, or play videogames. Even my passion for videogames and using the computer is fading away. I just don't know what to do. I feel depressed, thoguh I'm not even sure if I am depressed. I can be depressed one moment, see a funny picture and be laughing, them just as fast be depressed again.

    All I've wanted to do is to do the right thing. Raised as a Christian, I often want to treat people kindly and try my best at the things I do, but I haven't even been following my religion lately. It seems like I'm the only one trying, and that just makes me want to give up. I'm disgusting, and sometimes I feel if it would just be better if I were dead. I have one friend in real life, and only one or two more online. I feel horrible by even making an account here and forcing you to read this. It's like I'm begging for pity, when I just don't know what to do.

    All I want to do right now is lock myself in my room and never leave for the rest of the summer.
  2. Mew

    Mew Active Member

    I don't feel like I'm being forced to read your post :)

    Sounds like you're having a rough time though. Welcome to the club :)

    Happiness - You've mentioned being depressed as well as being happy. What are the things that make you happy?

    Games - PC gaming? If so, found anything good recently? Bit psyched up about Starcraft 2 myself. Hopelessly addicted to gaming here.

    Laughing - Think it's still possible to laugh even while being depressed. I'd lose myself in a good episode of The Simpsons, laugh a bunch, then as soon as it ends and I'm back in my head, it's time to be my usual, depressed self.

    Christian - Not being Christian myself, I'm not sure this works, but maybe there's a pastor or somebody you could talk to at church? Or a counselor at school (assuming they're competent, the ones at my school were quacks :rolleyes: ). Or just the folks at SF. Not the friendly type myself, but I'm sure others have plenty of hugs and shoulders to pass around :biggrin:

    Anyway, do take care :)
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you need someone to support you in getting thingstogether and realizing your full potential. You lack motivation to do things. This can definitely be caused by depression. Don't give up on yourself. I am glad you found us and felt comfortable sharing here. :hug:
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