What a waste

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cpg_down, Jan 12, 2013.

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  1. cpg_down

    cpg_down Member

    I just don't see the point anymore. I am so frustrated and angry. This isn't the angst of being a teenager or making it through college. I have done all of that. I've also been hospitalized for being suicidal. This happened approximately 2 years ago. I'm an engineer that has completely screwed up his career. Why was I hospitalized? Because of a job, of course. I hate breathing every single day. I hate the work that I do. I always, always, end up at some point in my jobs where everything relies on me. So much pressure that is beyond my control and qualifications. And here I sit. It happened again. I was on a massive project where manager, cooworkers, placed everything on me. I never asked for it. Through logical reasoning, I knew that the project would fail. Despite all the effexor, risperdol, trazidone, and ativan in the world, I ended up going through 4 months of absolute manic hell. Knowing a project was far beyond my capabilities. not only that, knowing there was no help in site, responsibilities climbing, and of course, being a project with equipment that is potentially fatal to others. Despite practically screaming my head off at my manager, colleagues and everyone how much trouble we were in, it was ignored. Probably because their responsibilities involve making schedules I cannot meet, or simply doing schematics, meeting other vendors for lunch, etc. I hit rock bottom again and went beyond that. I couldn't take it any more and resigned...with nothing lined up.

    This happened at a surprise to some people in the office. They wanted me to stay longer so they could hire someone else. That was my demise. My father, who is a prick, was over at my appartment every night. Toxically crying in my presence, and always urging me to go back. I don't know why. Perhaps it is to tell his friends or the rest of his family about a son that works at a large fortune 500 company. That coupled with my forgetful mind and increase in meds, fooled me into thinking things werent too bad. The managers took me back...and that is the start of the biggest mistake of my life.

    I've made it the most uncomfortable situation in the office as possible. People laugh at me behind my back. I hear them talk under their breath. They treat me like an idiot. Perhaps it is fair, because that really is how I feel. I am an absolute failure. The title of this post is reference to the fact I graduated with nearly all As in engineering. And through horrible fate, I end up in these jobs that the entire universe needs to be supported on my shoulders. It always, always fails.

    I am 31 right now, in the worst economy on the planet. I can't make a career change because of the incredible cost, and despite my parents belief, I do not remember engineering that well anymore. And self study and recollection will not bring it back.

    I am so frustrated with my ex girlfriend that turned me into the hospital when I had a plan. I can no longer apply for a gun permit. I am trapped in a job where people think all of this is some sort of scam. There is nothing I can find online that will end me without significant pain. I hate being here. I hate this country. I hate my father for always forcing my hand into doing things I do not want to do.

    I've screwed up my life repeatedly, and I just dont want to try anymore. I dont want to go through this for the next 40 more years. I can't stand going anywhere, Target, the mall, etc. Having to witness every couple, so happily shopping for some worthless material garbage. I envy those out there. I wish I would have just shot myself in the head way back when. I just dont see being alive every being worth it.
     
  2. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    hi sounds like a really hard place to be in. I'm reading the line above in your post that says "I am 31 right now, in the worst economy on the planet. I can't make a career change because of the incredible cost, and despite my parents belief, I do not remember engineering that well anymore. And self study and recollection will not bring it back." and i'm wondering, it is going to be a bigger cost to you, your health and your life if you stay in this job and things don't change.
    I know things are hard everywhere with the economy but your life is more important than a career that is obviously driving your to despair. Maybe you need to take a hard look at if you can find some way to change things at work, or if indeed the only act you can take is to find another job and leave.
     
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