What Am I Doing Here?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Apr 28, 2012.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Here is a thread I wrote about a week ago in another place claiming to want to help people like me. Yet oddly enough, no one seems to care... maybe I can get some insight here. This was written a week ago... and having it just hanging there is making me suicidal.

    To clarify, I know why I am in the guild. However, when I had the inspiration to write this out this is the title is the best subject I could come up with. Also bear with me... I tend to babble... so this will be long and... likely boring

    So starting back in about..November.... things started to fall apart. My boss told me I had been labeled as the stupid slow guy. That was the last straw and I began my job hunt. This was right around the time when I was doing... I guess social exercise. I was going out and talking to people, females specifically. However, right around then I started to waiver. One weekend I was invited to play a beta of SWTOR. Another weekend I just felt like getting drunk. Coupled with the rejection and failure I experienced with several phone interviews... this is right around when I snapped and fell into a pretty big depression.

    My goal with the social exercises was to get better at seducing females. However, there was a lot of stuff going on. Passing one of three phone interviews and failing interviews made it hard to keep my confidnence up. So I came up with the idea that I am genetically flawed in some way that other humans can see. That is why I have no friends, that is why the one mate I did have left me when I would not give her a title. Yes a title, she had the commitment, she had it in spades. I just did not want to give the title, why is irrelavant. So I am only good for being used. There is no way anyone wants to be my friend or mate. They can see, hear, smell, feel and/or taste the trash that is my genes. As such I am to be naturally selected out of the gene pool.

    Now that the history is done. This is where the subject actually makes sense. I want to know what I am doing. You see... once I did manage to land, an almost dream job, and my life started to stablize a bit. I started to feel the same motivation I felt back in September and October when I met up with guys on another forum and we all went out bar hopping. You know that I am in control of my own destiny. That I can change and be the opposite of what I am now. Then I fall into a pit of feeling like a hypocrite and well then the suicide plans and notes start rising and I have to go into a happy place or to sleep or to the gym or something to stay alive. Lucky for me my kitty needs me... otherwise I would have been gone...

    I guess I just want to know what I am doing.. why things are happening this way. I know that stress influences these emotions.. but... it is far easier for me to justify why I am trash and will never have anything more than myself. Than it is to justify that it is all just in my head. I want to know why I cannot believe anything positive about me. I mention this a lot, females who talk to me think I am an awesome guy. Most females, online, who see my picture say I am handsome. Yet here I remain alone in the dark packing wondering if a bus will hit me tomorrow.. well not so much wondering as hoping. When I am just talking and not individually responding to a topic people seem to like me... then again that is only online. I mean when I went out and tried my social exercise... the females seemed to respond in a positive way. I do not know...

    So yeah.. thoughts, comments, jokes, insults? My mind is just wandering... I need to brain dump a bit so I Can get back to packing so I can move tomorrow.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 28, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have felt like you have written, and often saw the worst parts of myself...it was more comfortable that way, and protective...if I had nothing and I was nothing, nothing could be taken away from me...you said you are packing and moving...I hope this is to a better residence...best of luck with that
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :( Not to a better place yet... That is going to happen at the earliest in 2014... :(.. though this may be my drunkeness but I am not sure what the rest of your post means Sadeyes.
     
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