What am I doing..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SmolderingIce, Apr 29, 2014.

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  1. SmolderingIce

    SmolderingIce Well-Known Member

    I have no motivation anymore. I'm not even sure I know why I do the things I do. I'm moving through life doing the things I think I should be doing, but none of these things really make me feel better. I honestly don't know what makes me happy; I haven't for years. I don't know where I belong either.. It seems no matter what I do, I'm always the odd way out. Social situations are a stressor for me because I know I'm faking the happiness in order to keep from worrying people.

    I never thought I'd be here. When I was a kid, I was happy, I think.. I don't remember anymore. I've gone through the worse of my depression (The nights where my body hurt so much I used to cut.) I'm passed that stage now, but I'm left with this numb, impassioned state of being. This isn't life. This is just waking up and going back to bed. The days are getting harder because I've spent so long trying to "fake it before I make it". But I haven't made it. I no longer know who I am. I don't want to live anymore. What's the point? What am I doing..
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You felt happiness before so you know you can feel it and you an have it again think back to time you were happy as a child. What made you happy do the things that use to bring happiness to you even if you think it won't help do it ok the brain will remember and soon you will feel that joy again. Talk to you doctor about getting treatment for you depression therapy meds do what it takes to get you out of that numbness ok hugs
  3. SmolderingIce

    SmolderingIce Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I'll definitely give that a shot. At this point, anything is better than nothing.
  4. siff

    siff Member

    Hey there. I feel actually the same way, the days go by but I'm still in the same state i have been for maybe 7 or 8 years. I feel nothing anymore. I don't know who i am and what am i doing here. Its like half my brain is dead. But for you, just keep going and I hope you feel something someday again. I hope the same thing for myself.
  5. skypenguin

    skypenguin Member

    SmolderingIce, I know what you mean about ignoring emotions to the point of feeling nothing, then faking happiness in social situations. One day I decided to start smiling all the time even when I was alone. (actually I've always done this in social situations to hide the shame and hatred I felt for the world around me)
    Surprisingly everyone thought I was the happiest person around. Inside I felt even more like a fraud, and felt like my conversations were phony, which led me deeper into hiding.
    Perhaps you could try opening up to people that are close to you in social situations or one on one. The more honest you are about these problems the more you might find that other people are going through similar feelings, and will help support you.

    People who don't want to know that you're suffering because it "worries them" don't have the emotional capacity to help you anyways. Good people will be "worried with you" instead of "worried for you." They will open up about times they might have felt the same way, and not just tell you to mask the feeling.
    This is a really great video about empathy and connection.

    Once you unmask the feeling... You can begin feeling again, but at first this can be very painful and even a little overwhelming. So seeing a therapist, doctor, and starting low level medications can slow the flood of emotions you've been holding back.
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