what am I doing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Canuck, Dec 14, 2008.

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  1. Canuck

    Canuck Member

    So please bear with me, I don't really know how to put what I'm feeling into words. I'm going to try. Also this is very hard for me to talk about, I don't ever talk to people about my feeling.

    I have had low self-estem for a really long time, since I was like 12 or 13(19now). I have always been very skinny for a guy, I weigh 115 pounds and am 5'8. People have always made fun of me for this. I have never had alot of friends and women rarely show any interest in me. I used to be able to deal with this but I got a lot worse over the last few years.

    I had a terrible final year of High School, I did poorly in class and then got mono but was still passed. I missed half the year and didn't get to do any of the graduating stuff, no one ever came to visit me while I was hospitalized and while I was home only one person ever showed up while I was sick. Once I was better and could get out of bed for extended peroids I started to see my friends again.

    I somehow got into University and failed out quite promptly. I got a decent job and worked for a while. The whole time I started feeling worse and worse. I started getting panic attacks, at the end of a really bad one I decided it was time for a change. I just got up and bought a plane ticket across the country. I started over agian, I though it would be better but it wasn't. After 8 months I moved home again. I just got worse and worse until one night after a night of heavy drinking I decide to kill myself. I took a huge assortment of pills and passed out. I woke up again after who knows how long and felt the worst I've ever felt. I just curled up on the bathroom floor and puked for about 24 hours.

    I got a little better for awhile. I've been feeling terrible lately. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I just want to die and I don't know when I'm going to try again.

    I don't really know what your supposed to respond with. You don't have to, I think I just needed to type this out and put it out there.
  2. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome, Canuk,
    I am glad you put it outr here, it's my experience that it relieves a bit when
    you just write down your feelings.
    I don't really know what has caused your depression( that's how it sounds to me, not doing good at school, panic attacks....), aside from beeing skinny, what probbably contributed to your low self-esteem....though you seem to have tried everytime to pull yourself up and get to do the 'things you're supposed to do" like, school, uni, and a job when studying didn't work out...it seems to me that you have been trying hard on your own to get( or keep) your life in track. Maybe it's time for you to look for professional help,I know a suicide attempt has a big impact on a person; I feel like if I had that ages ago, when i took loads of pils and woke up at the hospital , when I was 18, I probably would be in a better place now.
    Anyway, I think it might help you along.
    I hope this is of some help for you, come around here whenever you feel like, I am sure there's a lot of people that know how you're feeling and understand those feelings.
    Take care
  3. Canuck

    Canuck Member

    Yeah, I guess I didn't really say much about how I feel right now. I just feel very alone and hopeless. I don't have any close friends I can talk to. I can't really count on people. Women show no interest in me. I don't like my body. I have dyslexia and it destroys my ability to spell( I need to use a ton of spell checking) and I can't do math at all. This means I can't succed in University. I don't know where I'm going in life, I don't see a point to keep on going.
  4. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hi Canuck,

    I know what you're feeling..I know how it is..you need to know..life or death is not as bad as it is? In order to love life you need to love death too.. let me illustrate.

    Religions, Spirituality, Near Death Experiences, Astral Projections, Out of Body Experiences; They all talk about one thing - we are immortal beings, we have a soul, we live forever, we are part of the source, we are part of God, we are lights..

    When we question our existence.. humans have existed for few million years..while early birds and dinasours existed tens of million years ago, according to carbon dating of scientists..And then we get back in time, to the Big Bang..which is about 12 - 14 Billion years ago..

    What happened there?? Albert Einstein studied that Energy cannot be created or destroyed..So how was the universe (Energy) being created out of nothing? I mean absolutely nothing?? That, it doesn't matter...humans are not ready for the answer yet..because it's spiritual..and we don't understand spirituality completely so why bother?

    However, this Energy has always been..and will forever be.. it is God..the creator..the spark of the consciousness..decides to Be, and just BE..and ever expanding..creating..we are the creation..and, we are the source..we are God. We own a soul. It took billions of years..before the creation of human..billions..

    Look at science..look at your own body..every part of you has life..in your skin cells there are living creatures...microscopic.. in your body..your head, ..living on our body! Look at how far..how many creatures all living..each has their own purpose in the whole scheme of things..many have extincted..however..but it's still alright.. everything is working just the way it is..

    Has it ever occur to you that God is just like your body, occupying these microscopic living creatures in his body.. that is what it is..God is the atom..the entire universe..the source..there's God under the rocks..in the dirt..everywhere..it is God experiencing, creating itself..God has always existed..and is expanding..You are part of God.

    Life on Earth is nothing in comparison to the whole scheme, the networks..the manifestation..of life creating life..God creating and manifesting itself..

    Look at how everything worked out to be just fine.. animals have their instinct..nobody taught them how to do things they just follow their instincts..how to hunt, hide, make nests, mate, impress, sing, etc..that's why I love animals is because they follow their instinct and always know their place, where they stand.. ;-)

    Despite everything, you have to understand that death is nothing to be feared about..as much as life is nothing to be feared about.. Right now, I can see that you're afraid of both death and life.

    So, I've already told you that you should love death in order to love life, because it is BOTH equally important.. Life and Death is both equally important..nothing to be worry about. I say this again..life on Earth is nothing compared to how long you've existed as a soul.. because after death you'll be a soul again..and choose to reborn if you wish..or if assigned to..I'm not sure how that works but it'll be arranged. Everything is taken care of, and I speak from the heart..I speak of love..Everything is alright..nothing is loss.. you just need to understand this.

    Much LOVE
  5. Canuck

    Canuck Member

    While I appreciate that you took a lot of time to write that, and I see you are trying to help. I'm sorry I'm not religous nor do I want to talk about theology. Thank you for your concern though.
  6. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    I'm not trying to help, I'm not concerning for you. I'm just telling you things you should question..about where you came from.
  7. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    we all came from our mothers, thanks to our daddys sperm
  8. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're learning lol ;-) But one thing's for sure is that you're just an A-B-C, 1-2-3 student in life... you need to see in order to believe..you need to taste in order to know, you need to touch in order to feel..you need to be hurt in order to feel pain..

    You're an abc 123 student in life..congratulations.. Many students in life pass without even looking at the exam paper..they feel without even looking, they see while sleeping, and they know without thinking.. Those students are obviously not abc 123 students.. Because they're willing to learn
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Canuck,

    Welcome to SF :welcome:

    I hope that opening up took some of the pressures away.Just talking about your problems helps more than people think.

    I would suggest that you see a therapist about your low self-esteem. Have you seen a doctor about your depression, are you on any medication?

    I'm always here if you need to talk :hug:

  10. perfectempire

    perfectempire Active Member

    Hello Canuck,

    Your low bodyweight and failing out of college do not make you a bad or worthless person. I married a man with about the same height/weight who also failed his courses and dropped out of college. I love him to death. So no matter what anyone tells you about what you should/shouldn't be or look like, I think that you are perfectly loveable.

    I can relate to you because, like you, "I just want to die and I don't know when I'm going to try again."

    Because of your suffering, you possess a deeper understanding of the human condition than most conventional/"normal" people. This makes you a more ideal and understanding friend, lover, employee.

    My university has a great program that helps people with dyslexia/learning disabilities. The support provided is strong and confidential. I recently found out by accident that one of my respected colleagues uses these services. Later, she mentioned that she failed one of the courses we were in together. I always wondered why she was taking longer than the rest of our class. But when I realized that she was having trouble, I was happy to spend time with her to help her learn. Perhaps you need to get a doctor's reccomendation to such services and choose a school based on the quality of their support programs for dyslexic students.

    I think it's really cool that you tried to start over again by flying to the other side of the country! You've got guts!
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    It can really, really help to have someone to listen to you, if not a counsellor, then a crisis line or something like that. There are some good services here in Toronto (I don't know if that's anywhere near you, if it is just PM me and I can give you the numbers). When I am depressed my thinking gets distorted and I have a hard time thinking of decisions other than suicide. That's where a supportive listener comes in, they help remind me that I *can* survive this. It's a good reality check.
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    If you do not currently have a support person such as a counselor, I would suggest you get one. They may be able to help you with your esteem issues and provide you with tools to bget through the rough times. I am glad you have come here as we can also be a form of support for you.
  13. Canuck

    Canuck Member

    well, i guess i'll use this thread to vent some more.

    I still have no idea what I'm doing. I have zero plans for my future. I just go through the motions of going to work and seeing friends from time to time. I don't see any point. Am I just suppossed to do this for the rest of my life. Make enough money to get by and then spend it...make more, spend it. What is the point of living like that, i can't see a bright side. I don't want to go to work anymore, I just don't want to do anything. I only go because it's what is expected. I can tell I'm getting worse, i just feel terrible. I just want to know if there is a point to life? Why should I stay alive if there isn't anything to look forward to?
  14. jim_jones

    jim_jones Member

    Hey Canuck, I just want to wish you good luck before I accidentally hit tab and erase everything I fucking typed and no I don't hope the administrators of this site experience eight straight hours of sodomy by extremely large peni.
  15. Canuck

    Canuck Member

    Suppose I can vent here again. I feel terrible, just terrible. Christmas was ok. None of my friends really did anything for me, when i was giving a friend a gift he wasn't pleased I showed up on Christmas eve to give him a gift. But thats not the big problem. I hate this time of year because I always reflect. I have done nothing more than screw up my life over the last year. I went drinking with a friend tonight but had to leave early because I was just feeling terrible and didn't want to drink. I just lost my job because I got really depressed and didn't go to work or get up or anything for a few days, I didn't even go on the internet. I feel like I'm starting to intentionally back myself into a corner and force myself to really follow through on killing myself. I don't know if I'll be able to get past new years, i just feel so bad. I don't want to keep going.
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