What am I doing.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ScarsandHopes, Dec 31, 2008.

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  1. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    (Seasonal Depression sucks...)

    I'm sitting down now, realizing that my life is screwed up. I smoke, I drink, I do drugs, and I am down, close to every second of every day... 5 years ago I would've never imagined myself in this position, in this place. A place that I just can't get out of. Punching walls, throwing myself on a hot grill just to feel something other than depression. I've gone far down the rabbit hole. I've been denied entry into the marines, the one thing I wanted to do with my life.

    I'm in a dark place. And I've been sinking for years. 240 attempts on my life just doesn't cut it anymore.. I'm so scared, so scared that one of these times I won't wake up, but on the other hand, I'd be happy. Happier than I could ever imagine.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. So, it's back to the tequila for now. As it always has been... Or so it seems =/
  2. ChillCash

    ChillCash Active Member

    Yeah I feel you. I'm drunk right now to cease the pain... getting some heroin tommorow so it should be a good day just for that reason.
  3. hellwithhugewounds

    hellwithhugewounds Well-Known Member

    I feel so jealous that you guys have alcohol :sad:. Maybe I could hold on if i had something to numb it. Even in the darkest of times you guys can find at least a temporary comforter eh?
  4. ChillCash

    ChillCash Active Member

    Yeah you could say that. The drugs keep me company when there's no people that can.

    I just wish they didnt cost money and werent illegal of course.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Alcohol will only cause you to feel worse. You're much better off avoiding it completely :hug:
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with sweetheart. alcohol is a depressant. All you are doing is making your depression worst. I agree with they should legalize weed at least. Alot of people smoke so they should all stand up and come out of the closet and let the government see just how many there are. Now heroin I can see why it is illegal. I just got to old to be going to jail just so I could get a buzz. Do I miss it, of course I do. Everyday I wish a had a couple of joints to get thru the day. but I substain from it. Why not focus on getting a job and meeting new people. You sound like your still social with others. Hang on to that because it really sucks being alone. Trust me I have been alone and isolating myself for twenty years fifteen of which I have stayed locked up in my bedroom because I just can't deal with people face to face. I hope you at least think about it!!~Joseph~
  7. Smokey

    Smokey Member

    They will only legalise weed when eneough people stop smoking tobacco to make the government need something to tax... They have to pay for the NHS somehow :p .Remember weed has it's problems though... especialy for people with certain pre existing conditions. I wish i could say alcohol makes you worse don't drink it but I'm very very drunk right now. Might be more deppressed but at least I am numb to it, sigh.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    None of it really does any good. All the problems are still waiting when the effects are over and you add the problem of addiction. It really isn't worth it. I am sorry you feel so alone. This time of year is difficult for many people. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    You've attempted suicide 240 times in your life? Wow, you must really be a survivor. Sorry that they wouldn't let you into the marines, but I don't think they want people who are mentally unstable carrying around an M16 machine gun, ya know? Have you tried the army reserve? :smile:
  10. jam1e

    jam1e Guest

    Have you been on heroin long?:sad:

    I wish the Goverment would wake up and put more money into fighting Heroin addiction!!:sad:
  11. Frank Smith

    Frank Smith Member

    I'm just curious how you try to kill yourself 200 times and fail. Unless it was just a figure of speach.
  12. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    I've tried every possible thing there is. I've done a few multiple times. The way I know how many I've done is, I used to keep a notebook that documented every attempt and why it failed. It even had the forumla to make carbon monoxide =/

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I failed countless times trying to kill myself, how lame is that...
  13. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    And that's 240 times in the past 5 years =/
  14. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    From what iv read i'd say you haven't succedeed because your heart isn't in it. I think, deep down inside of you, maybe you can't see it yet, but it's there, there's a part of you that wants to wait around and see if there's anything good to come. And i am sure there is, because there is a reason we are here, and that means there is a reason you are here too. :hug: Don't give up on life.
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