What am I fighting for?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Jun 17, 2015.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Despite countless hours of trying to better myself... I completely broke down again.

    Every time I try to prepare myself for the future... I am reminded that I am incompetent and it is to late.

    I have no fucking interest in living in a world where those who fucked my life up aren't brought to justice. I have no intest in living in a world where I am anything but successful NOW. I can't start over again... I have no desire to live in a world where depression kicks my ass to this point... I can't think about anything long term if this is a part of me.

    Death is my only solution... but I can't let my family hurt by knowing they lost me to suicide... guess once my free ride is gone ill die on the streets... that was my destiny all along.
  2. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    What hope do I have left? How do I watch others graduatecollege knowing I fialed it? How do I watch other people in their amazing relationships knowing I will never have one?
  3. Omnifarious

    Omnifarious New Member

    I too, have the same problems. I'm 25, and have been nothing but an intolerable, incompetent failure my entire life. I never even managed to graduate highschool. I WILL die alone, as everyone I have ever met has abandoned me in the end. None have cared to try and deal with the type of person that I am. I sit pretty much homeless mooching off of various family members awaiting the day I get kicked out into the streets to die because I've never held a job more than a month since failing highschool. It's difficult, watching other's in their relationships. I have come to accept that I will never have one.

    Since school, I have become and incredibly introverted person. I have sat staring at a computer screen for the last 7 or so years. My only actual communication with anyone, through text, on the Internet. Most have been faceless. It's an incredibly lonely existence. Even now, it's 1:30 in the morning, and I am once again, sitting in a dark room, scouring random sections of the Internet for any kind of social interaction I can find to make me feel better in this state of mind, leading to here and now, on a random suicide forum in the back of the Internet. I will, as I have with everywhere else I've gone, wear out my welcome here, and soon everyone will hate me, and will slowly one by one stop talking to me, until I am banned, and move to the next site, and start the process anew.

    Death too, is my only solution. Yet, it seems, I am even too incompetent to get that right. It is literally the one thing that would solve all of my problems, and everyone around me's problems as well. Yet, here I sit. Yet again, far too afraid to do it. I'm the type who couldn't even fathom giving themselves a paper cut... Let along doing enough harm to actually die from what I would do. It's an incredibly brutal struggle. The solution is right there, and I will never be able to do it. I'm not even man enough to die with some dignity, heh. I'm going to have to wait until I starve to death not of my own doing once I'm forced into the streets, like you. Small world, in the end. It's odd where you'll end up finding common grounds with other people.
  4. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    man you know I can relate. This world has gotten really rigorous, and most of our freedoms are being eaten away by the powers that be day in and day out; there are more very few people even NOTICE and most of THEM are like "So? Who cares? Get your lazy ass back to work and/or studying!" Thus, it's not likely there will ever be a mass awakening "hundredth monkey" global enlightenment to fix the world.

    I don't know how to solve anyone's problems, but I mean, worst case scenario, you have nothing to lose! One brightside, the ONE positive Pandora's Box thing about this perfection-obsessed hyper-competitive craphole of a modern world is the fact that rote technique isn't always everything! If it were, punk rock would've NEVER been created, or even Rock N Roll in general! Come to think of it, there'd be no JAZZ either... Another example: just look at Picasso... he did things his own way and the rest is history.

    I know I can't solve everyone's problems; I'm struggling with my own, but one thing you can do is throw obsession with perfection out the door and think about what makes YOU happy; IMMERSE yourself in it. Not good at it? Who cares? ALLOW the mistakes to flow; iron them out once you're satisfied with the foundation (or the roots of the tree; whatever metaphor floats your boat.) Really, what have you to lose if you're close to being thrown out on your ass?

    Just something to think about... I think that's the one thing that kept me hanging in there despite the world around me crumbling to shit, so just thought I'd share...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 17, 2015
  5. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    For my family's sake I need to somehow come to terms with this... and be ok that Hitler's reincarnation and everyone else who pushed me around in life was right...

    Somehow accept it and be ok with it...

    I don't know if that is possible...
  6. Rossb

    Rossb Member

    I know this sound stupid but you could help someone else who feels the same as you I have spoke to alot of people going threw the same feeling and thought when I mention charity work sounds like a silly fix but maybe just maybe knowing you are helping other people makes you more important to this planet than anyone else make sure it very interactive charity so you can actually see the difference you can make to this world
  7. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I dreamed about being someone who could make a difference... but let's be real I am not smart enough or stable enough to ever acomomplish anything that amazing.
  8. What

    What Active Member

    What's ironic is that you can actually survive for quite a while on the streets in the right areas. I was homeless for a time in the cluster of cities north of Los Angeles, and frankly the only way I was going to die was if someone happened to murder me. Even that didn't happen because other homeless people were very kind and helpful and protective. I went out there to die on the streets and instead the universe just showered me in extraordinary luck and random good hearted strangers. Not to mention free meals if one was able to walk several miles a day to get them. I had completely given up and gone off to die, and instead I found myself lying under the stars on a beach with a few beautiful souls and a free sack lunch. Once again my perceptions were torn asunder.
  9. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    What actually makes an unusual (but good) point; there is a guy in Moab, Utah who willfully lives currency-free both out in the wilderness and in town and does so rather abundantly.

    Basically random, it boils down to this... you don't have to answer either of these to ANYONE, but just think about 'em...

    1. What do you ENJOY doing THE MOST?


    2. What exactly do you have to lose?

    neither are rhetorical questions and both are completely person to person... but what's objective about them is that they can actually be the keys to saving your ass when you're at your lowest. Like I said, you don't have to answer either of them to anybody... but like Eddie from Super Fly said "Don't throw it out... just, think about it!"

    My PM is always open as well if you need to talk...
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    It does seem that way.

    Remember its not a race in this lifetime. It doesnt matter if the fastest person got there first.

    The older I got, the goals to be done by certain age I envisioned myself when I was younger has just been thrown out of the window. It doesnt matter anymore. Really! Just live your life to the fullest and do the best you can and be proud of yourself.

    If you cant do that then try another approach...tabula rasa.
  11. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Another breakdown...

    I am so fucking hopeless.. only chance I had to succeed in life was that my family owneda business but even they see im to fucking stupid to do anything important.

    26 years old cometing with fuckin 16 year olds for shit jobs... no hope for romance, no hope to see the world, no hope for any fucking thing people dream of.

    I don't know how to deal with this... I don't want ot live in any world other than one where I was successful by age 23ish.
  12. Ahussa29

    Ahussa29 New Member

    I wish I never graduated school. I am now in $100,000 worth of debt with no job. I will not be able to pay back that amount of money in my lifetime. I would do anything to go back in time and I never would have attended school.

    I thought I would be one of thr great successes of the world. I had so many aspirations of myself and I have failed them all. Be thankful you did not continue with school.
  13. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    yours is not an isolated incident; you are not some "bad luck" anomaly... that's how it is now. Hell, I'VE been a grown-ass adult working alongside 15-16 year-olds. Sadly, getting ANY job is usually dead luck (especially in my case, unless your interviewer REALLY likes you and you know how to present yourself, but even THAT'S hit or miss) and if you want a yearly-salary college-grad job you have to work A LOT HARDER to get crappier jobs that pay less (when considering inflation) with tons of extra job responsibilities that require more "schooling" than even just a couple decades ago. I suspect this is all done deliberately to make people more obedient.

    You've nothing to lose according to what you've been saying; one of the ways the powers that be control people ISN'T by beating them down... they use reverse psychology and act like "you are important." They don't WANT people focusing on their realities (i.e. if they're a lowly janitor sleeping on their best friend's couch but knowing they can only go "up" in life) they want to trick people into thinking THE WORLD IS GONNA COME TO AN END if they don't do overtime and shine the manager's shoes on top of their typical slave-duties. It's just a grown-up version of the shit they tell you in school to scare the children into obeying and doing that extra-credit homework instead of building things with LEGOs.

    Anyways... just something to think about. I'll leave you with how Chris Rock describes his life before becoming a world-famous comedian.

    Like I said, THINK about what you have to lose; it'll really help put a new perspective on your own situation.
  14. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I thought today would be fun... I'd have the house to myself long enough to do some fun gaming things that I can't do while my relative is home thanks to the constant interruptions that make it impossible to focus.

    Then I fuck up royally at it... Can't even do well in a fucking video game that is part of a series I have played for years.

    Anxiety like breathing, and minor SH followed...

    I wonder more and more if it is possible to be free... but how does a person live trying to find the same satisfaction in microscopic accomplishment that others feel with doing amazing things?

    I do not see a life worth living where I am not completely free, no fear of relapse, of depression, suicidal feelings, and SH...

    Don't see a life that is worth living where that doesn't happen years before now...

    Don't see a life worth living where I am not great at SOMETHING that makes good money, and brings the stability I have always known I could never find because I am stupid, weak, and all around pathetic.

    And now my thoughts rush back to childhood... and that bastard bully not being in fucking prison getting tortured by other inmates every fucking second where he belongs.


    I am out of hope again..
  15. kangaroo2

    kangaroo2 Well-Known Member

    People can make more of a positive difference volunteering than they could through getting an education and high-paying job. At least with volunteering it is about helping other people. With a job it is about making money, regardless of how it affects other people.
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