What am I going to do now?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alpha2792, Oct 13, 2008.

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  1. alpha2792

    alpha2792 Member

    Hey there. I'm writing here because I feel like I only have two options of what I'm going to do in life now, one of them being suicide. A bit of backstory is due first.

    All my life I put up with bullying, neglect and alienation in school. I found it difficult to make friends and many people used me as their target for bullying, even friends I thought I trusted for a long time. After passing my GCSEs with fairly good grades, I met a girl on the internet during the summer. She was really like me, made me feel good, liked me back. We spoke a lot for a month about general chit-chat, kept eachother happy. She vanished for 2 months and I realized how madly in love I was with her. For two months I suffered severe depression, feeling unable to do much or anything other than talk to people about her. I didn't cut myself at that point, but I begin to drink more and more alchohol and developed a problem.

    At the end of the two months, the girl came back. I told her I loved her and while she was a little estranged at first, she accepted it and over time began to love me back just as much. We spoke for a week and I went to Florida for 2 weeks, over which I began to suffer anxiety and depression from not being able to see her. I told my family and my parents about her and my internet life, I hoped it'd stop the fighting and they'd accept me. They weren't very enthusiastic and upon returning home, my mother began to get more and more aggressive towards me and wanted to cut me away from this girl. She told me she was having the same problem, she was cutting herself and such, running away, I wanted to help her as much as I could. Eventually it got to the point my mother literally began screaming in my face, throwing full cans at me, destroying my stuff. I had a mental breakdown and she didn't care, called me useless, lazy, insane. During this, she was forcing me to choose a job, despite me clearly not being a state to, and continued the verbal abuse and swearing.

    I waited till she went to work and took a knife, I cut my left wrist open. I couldn't talk to her, she wouldn't listen, so obviously I had to make her realize through other means. After doing this, I ran away from home and have stayed at my cousin's over the weekend, talking to my girlfriend and my other internet friends about the problem. They all want to help me out, they're worried I'm going to kill myself, and so am I.

    I was forced to come home and my mother won't listen to a thing I've said. She wants to separate me from this girl despite the fact I really do love her, she wants to monitor everything I do on the internet, she wants to force me away from it and make me associate with people outside, and the people around here are nothing like me. They're all chavs or aren't internet-smart, I can't fit in. They're going to watch and control everything I do with my life now, and I can't live like that. I -need- privacy, I -need- to be able to stay up late to talk to my girlfriend, I -need- the internet. The environment where I live just depresses me, I can't live here.

    My only solution is that I want to try and take a friend's offer when I turn 16 this November. He told me he'd buy me a ticket to California, get me a place to stay with him and find me a job until I can further my education. Not only does this bring me closer to my girlfriend, it means I can live in an environment I enjoy and get by in life with someone who understands and is like me. He'd bring me closer to my dream of meeting Liz.

    I don't know how to go about this though, how I'd make it to the airport and get there, but I think if I don't I'm going to end up just killing myself because I cannot live like this. Legally there is nothing stopping me once I'm 16, all I need to do is make it to the airport, get settled in and he'd help me get US citizenship. If I can't do that I need to go somewhere with one of these friends, because if I stay here I can't escape my family. I've been starving myself, I want to cut myself again and if I'm forced to live like this I'm tempted to just kill myself off, because I don't think I'll get the future I want like this.

    Help me out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2008
  2. I understand completely how inlove with this girl you are from the internet. Your mom is just doing mom things.. crazy?!? She has no right to tear you away from the things you do and love in your life. But mom's will be moms. I hope your dream does come true.. and you can talk to me when ever you like. I cut too and I know how much of a release it can be when you feel so frustrated with the world. One thing I do is close my bedroom door, get some headphones and put on music. Congradulations for getting good GCSE results, I wish I did :tongue:. I am here any time you wish to vent or whatever.
    Take care fo yourself., and keep your chin up.
  3. alpha2792

    alpha2792 Member

    She said I can't close my room's door anymore and she'll be in regularly to check. I won't be allowed any privacy now, no time to talk to my friends about what's on my mind. I can't even stay on at night.
  4. ~Tosh~

    ~Tosh~ Forum Buddy

    Hi Alpha,

    I understand completely about the privacy.. im 19 and my mum still checks my laptop, only now, i dont care.. everything i have is password protected to try keep her out.. while you are feeling so low, try not to do anything.. try keep strong and think positive.. she may be your mother but she cant take everything away from you... have you tried writing something like a diary and keep it hiden from her, that way you will be able to try vent off all the negative feelings, and everything you cant find the words to say.. maybe when its full make your mom read it.. make her listen.. make her help you... she only cares for you although its not in the best supporting way..

    remember all us here care for you and want you to be safe. :hug:

    Feel free to pm me if you need to.
    Take Care, Be strong, Chin up :D

  5. alpha2792

    alpha2792 Member

    I wrote an e-mail to her when I ran away which said how I was feeling, she just thought I was crazy.

    She told me she's getting a psychologist and if he says to take me off the internet, she's going to do it. If that happens I'm seriously finished.

    She won't listen to a thing I say and doesn't understand that doing all this is just going to lead to further harm. All I can hope is that a professional tells her what I've been telling her and she stops doing this. Until then my main plan is just to hold out till the 29th of November, I'm trying to plan out how I'm going to escape with my friends.

    She may care but she cares in the wrong way. There's nothing wrong with me staying up late or becoming nocturnal, it keeps me happy, it lets me talk to Liz, and I still manage to go work and college. I sat down and spoke with her calmly and she made it clear nothing will change her mind, that the fact she's just going to tear me away from someone I love is "too bad".
  6. Sounds like everything is getting so much for you, you need to tell your mom to stop and look properly at what is happening, tell her you do not feel so great emotionally and she isn't helping the situation what so ever. I think you need to have a good cry and a good son to mom talk. If you think she won't listen, make her listen. Don't give up! Talk to that psychologist, here is sounds like the best thing right now is to be open and honest with each other, come to an agreement and listen to her too.
    How come you have a job and college at 15?
    Take care.
  7. alpha2792

    alpha2792 Member

    I suffered a lot of bullying and targeting in high school for most of the same reasons my mother gets mad at me, I left after I passed my exams and I have to go to work until I start college in January. But obviously now I can't just go to college.

    I've really tried. She's just convinced I'm no better than a drug addict and that everything I say is clouded nonsense. If a psychologist understands maybe she will, but I doubt it. She thinks it'll make me think differently if she does this but it's not, it's just going to drag me down further and further.
  8. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    All libraries in the UK allow internet access. They have computers there and all you need to do is join the library if your not already joined, and book yourself a computer. Some libraries also have wifi for laptops too.

    Just an idea.
  9. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    Man, I really can't suggest u keep living like this. If u can get in college or get away somehow that will be cool, so u can start a new life. U can look on the bright side and say that in 2 years, your mom will not have any control over u, and she'll have no choice but 2 let u go 2 college. Now, as 4 the time being, don't put up with this bullshit. Stand up to your momma and let her know how u feel. If she gets too violent u can call the police or see how u can get into foster care so u can get away. U need to quickly get your mom 2 treat u better because this will hurt u emotionally. I had a friend in high school who went through something similar like u, and now he's 100% crack head.

    Now, if u don't get things changed with your mom, I don't know what 2 say. I mean if was me, I'd probably kill myself, but I'm not saying that u should kill yourself. Just stand up 4 yourself and don't put up with any crap from your mom. Just because she is your mom does not give her the right to treat u bad. Don't be afraid of her. God will reward people who stand up to evil people.

    And 1 more suggestion. Whenever u leave your house, do not talk 2 your mom ever again. My dad was a horrible parent and I am never talking 2 him again and I'm not even going 2 his funeral when he dies.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You don't need to put up with her shit!! Tell her flat out that if she continues with this kind of mind games it is going to push you away. You will not have anything to do with her.
    Do you have foster care there? Or how old do you have to be to be immansipated(by law you are considered an adult). You can get your own 1 room flat and a part time job to help pay your bills and still be able to go to college.
    I don't know what else to suggest for now. Just try to get help thru whatever agency you have that is like our social services. Good Luck!!~Joseph~
  11. alpha2792

    alpha2792 Member

    The legal age where you become an adult over here is 16.
    I've tried to be stubborn and stand up for what I want before it becomes too late, now they're threatening to disown me. I cut myself again because of it and it's not helping me eat, I've been starving myself for around 4 days now. It's clear they don't care if I go, so I feel I don't have anything to lose no matter what I choose now.
    My current plan at the moment is to try and hold out till the 29th, I'll use the money I get from my birthday to afford a train down to Halifax, my friend will be there to help me out. From there I'm applying for a student visa and getting a job so I can afford a flight to the US. I have a friend in California who's offering me a place to stay, all I need to do is use the visa to continue my education there until I turn 18 so I can gain citizenship.
    I don't know, I start to think I'm taking it to extremes here but if they're driving me to the point I want to kill myself, obviously the extreme isn't out of the question. And I'm worried that if they don't disown me before the 29th of November, they will then. I don't care how much I have to travel or work for my plan, because I think without it I'll be trapped like a rat and hurt myself even more.
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