What Am I Going To Do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MonsterV, May 31, 2013.

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  1. MonsterV

    MonsterV New Member

    Usually, I'm a pretty sensitive person. I keep a lot to myself because I don't want anybody to know who I am. This is why I'm coming to this forum to talk about my life to strangers. I'm in a relationship where I live with my SO. We live very near to my family and for much of my life I have been controlled in one way or another. Various types of abuse that I used to be stupid about and deny because I was embarrassed.

    I'm trying to get a job, but nothing is happening. I am becoming increasingly useless. I don't want to say I'm in a crisis, because that's pretty serious and I don't want to take away from people that really need help. I am mostly at home. I've been depressed before, am mentally ill and dependent on others. I'm generally a good person.

    The hard part is, recently I have felt horrible, thought about what it would be like to lay down and never get up. It feels like there is no way out and I'll be a baby forever. My family controls me, and my girlfriend, as much as I love her, drives me nuts and makes me feel so low because of her jealousy. She's always suspecting me of things, to where I'm alienated from the world around me for fear of setting her off. Sometimes she makes snarky little comments and then claims she meant nothing by them when I get mad, acting like I'm nuts for being bothered. I'm not saying I'm perfect and that everything is everybody else's fault. I know I'm messed up and hard to be around because of being so needy.

    I had a nightmare last night, and felt sad when I woke up, but at about 9:30, I didn't feel anything anymore. No more doubt, fear, sadness. Nothing. I honestly right now do not care what happens to me anymore. I would do anything to protect the people I love, but it feels like there is nothing that can be directed on me that can hurt me anymore. My sudden apathy has me very concerned.

    Anything you guys can tell me?
    I joined this forum because it makes me feel good about myself to help others through sorrow.
    I have already been to head doctors, nothing happened there but pills that I don't want.
    Here I am, depending on the kindness of strangers to make me feel special.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hey there, welcome to SF. I'm the same as you, I'm pretty sensitive but I keep everything inside because I always get judged harshly when I let my emotions out. You aren't useless because you can't find a job. I live in a place with high unemployment and not many opportunities, but I know it's hard all over nowadays. So just keep trying, maybe something will come up when you least expect it.

    It seems like a lot of people in your life aren't very considerate towards your feelings. I know you said you want to look out for everyone else, but you need to look out for yourself too. That's something I'm still learning after a life of self-sacrifice and it can be a hard habit to break. I'm glad you're here and I hope you do continue posting about your feelings and that it will help you.
  3. iliveinmydreams

    iliveinmydreams Banned Member

    I feel the same way.
  4. I think if you're feeling useless there are ways to improve your self image. Maybe try seeing a psychologist. Though personally I have had better experiences with psychiatrists, if you have tried that and they just want to give you pills, maybe a psychologist would be more suited for your problems. Old patterns are always hard to beat, though it isn't impossible! I'm sure there are ways to get out of your ditch :)
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