all i do is work, watch tv or sit on the computer, my life is just a big nothing and i dont see a point to doing anything else with it. sure i could go back to school and try to get a higher paying job but then wut, just the same problems again with a bit more money. anything i do doesnt bring any happiness to me, it just feels like more nothing, im so fuckin sick of it. it all leads to nothing. im beginning to think that nothing is real, everything is fake, its all a trick, people, life, everything i know is fake, just an illusion to something else, the truth. im sitting here and i feel really fucked up, depressed, sad, angry, i want to blow up, maybe i should go get drunk so i could get those feelings away for a bit. i dont know. actually today as i was on the computer i looked out a window into the clouds, it was a bit dark outside, and i thought that i could be able to fly up to those clouds, i felt like i could fly but that feeling went away fast. it felt so good though for a second just imagine flying. right now i feel really messed up, i feel tired too, but i dont know why, i havent been up that long at all. tomorow is another shitty day at work, then ill come home, do nothing again, and start the cycle again. i hate this cycle but i dont know wut else to do, its better then nothing i guess....or is it i dont know. it doesnt get better ever, all those who think life gets better well it doesnt, and those who say it does are confused. wut their feeling is temporary, we'll never feel like the normal people, were different. every second of my life i feel bad but its in different levels from worst to not so bad, and the thing is i dont know how to make it go away so i always want to blow up from the inside, i dont know how to make this pain go away, its always there, im always on the edge but i dont know how to make this feeling go away. its like that feeling that u want to throw up but nothing is coming out, ur just waiting for that release when u throw up so u can feel better again, but for me i dont get it, i dont get that release ever, i always feel horrible. i dont know wut to do anymore, i have no escape from it, alcohol is only temporary. i cant go on like this forever.