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What am I supposed to do.(Maybe triggering)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by LotusFlower, Apr 22, 2010.

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  1. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I am so angry. I don't know what to do with how I feel. I am angrey at my dad for the years of physcial and sexual abuse. I couldn't even admit that he even sexual abused me until very resuntly. I am angery that I used to have to hide in closests. I am angry at my cousin for 4 years of abuse. I am angery that when I told my mom she did nothing about it, and continued to have him babysit me. I am so angery. I am so hurt. I feel like what the hell did I do wrong. I am angery that when I was a teenager I put myself in situtaions where men would just not except no. I am angery at the new memories I got this week. I am so hurt. I can't stop crying. What is wrong with me??? WHY I don't understand WHY? I feel like maybe this is all not true, although deep down I know it is. I don't know how to except this. Please some one tell me what to do with myself I don't know
    I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting so bad.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for all the abuse you have had to go through with no one to help you. The first thing you need to do is to get some help a therapist that can guide you through all this anger and pain. Get a therapist that deals with abuse that deals with post trauma. You are lost with all these emotions coming up now you need some help you deserve some help to heal. Can you call a sexual assault line talk with your doctor maybe get a referral to a psychologist but reach out and get help okay. The emotions can be so overwhelming and it is too hard to deal with them on your own.
  3. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    There is nothing wrong with you - the monsters who did this to you are the ones who were wrong...

    Why? only G-d knows.... there is no answer that I have found...

    So often I have asked the same questions....

    So often I have doubted, because it is easier to think I am crazy and these are illusions than to accept the reality , the pain, the fact that there is no answer....

    You did nothing wrong - you are a survivor who needs the help and support of friends to heal from this horrific set of experiences

    The reactions you have are learned responses that were needed to survive - and now that you are out of danger - hopefully - you need to find new coping skills from someone who understands - none of this is your fault.

    Your strength shows through from your ability to reach out now, and get through..

    Take care of yourself, keep posting for support, and find a therapist... these would be my suggestions....

    Most of all know you are a valuable person who did not deserve to be treated this way...

    Sending you :hugs:
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    :hugtackles: I don't have the answers either but I am here if you need to talk or need a shoulder to cry on...feel free to PM me too if you would like to talk there. Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. Love Bambi
  5. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    My worker told me to write a letter to one of the people I was angry at. To just start at one. I wrote it then wrote four more, one to my dad, one to my stepdad, one to my cousin, one to my mom, and one to me. I started writing and then I got verbal diarrhea and couldn't stop. Now I have them and I have this overwhelming feeling that now that the reasons I am so hurt and angry are down on paper that it makes it more true. Does that make sense? I also have this feeling now that it is on paper I need someone to know. I need someone to read them and know that this is why I am angry and this was what my life was and is like. But I am scared, because I feel like no one is going to believe that much stuff can happen to one person. That they aren't going to believe me. But I just feel like if I keep these secrets anymore all to myself I am going to explode. I don't want to feel all alone anymore. I don't want my husband to read them because most of the stuff he doesn't even know about and I am afraid that it will change his opinion of me. He says it won't and logically I know it won't but I don't want him to think of those things that I was forced to do or that happened to me when he looks at me. Does that make sense? I don't want him to think I am damaged I guess, or dirty. Although I feel those ways. I was thinking about going to my next appointment with my worker just giving him them and saying please please read these I need someone to know. Without knowing everything that happened he told me once that he believed me. I cried like a baby. I don't think I have ever heard those words. In 30 years. I always just sort of knew my husband believed me. But to have someone say I believe you after so many years. I think those words made me decide that this person might be able to actually help me. I have had therapist say it was probably not as bad as you think it was. WTF?????? Anyways I don't know what to do. I want to give them to him, but I am afraid because what if he ends up not believing me or that if I spill the beans all those secrets will be out.
  6. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    OMG... I am so sorry you are going through this. That is exactly the way it feels when you write it down - more real, because it did happen (I am sorry - that hurts to say and to hear) Yet it is a relief to know that someone knows and realizes you didn't have a chance. So much does happen, yet your survival only tells of your strength and ability to continue, even through the pain.

    You aren't damaged - the filth that did it to you, they are the ones who are the people damaged at the core - such that they would do the things they did. You are definitely horribly hurt, and the resources you used to get through are ways of coping in horrendous circumstances.

    I think you should show the letters to your worker. It is a very courageous thing to do....
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