what am i supposed to feel?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Just Spent, Apr 27, 2013.

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  1. Just Spent

    Just Spent New Member

    I don't have the energy to entirely write why I'm here. The thought of committing "it" is always close by. So close that I'm good with it, calm about it. I see my kids and I don't feel bad about the ramifications of it. I feel I should as I'm aware of the traumatic impact, but I don't. I'm a great Dad, very active with them in every aspect. I should feel bad but I don't. I thought I could live for someone else. Doesn't seem to be the case. And I think I'm ok with that. I'm emotionally spent, mentally spent, just spent. 5 months ago I would have never imagined being in this spot. But I think I'm ok with it.
  2. srilu

    srilu Member

    Just think about the impact of your death on your loved ones.
    A great dad will never give up on his children.Whatever decision you take now will have a great impact on their future.
    dont make them think of their father as a loser who gave up without even thinking of them.
    Face the problems and be a role model for them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 27, 2013
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    ...,and 5 months from now you'll probably look back and say, "Wow. why did I ever consider that?!"

    That is why suicide never is the right solution.
  4. SuzenH

    SuzenH Member

    I too am battling this phase right now Just Spent. Fortunately, it's a little more complicated than just "doing it". I fear we have allowed the scale to tip too far allowing the will to die to overpower the will to live. I could repeat what others say..the obvious..think of the kids but in reality you must think of yourself first if you are going to overcome. It's all just getting to be too much. Too overwhelming. I know you are tired, but try writing it down. All of it. Your right. A lot has changed in 5 months. That in itself will suck the life out of you. Try to reach out to at least one person that will just listen and not judge. Get it out. I think you will be suprised that you are not only not alone but rather 1 of a large number of people who "feel nothing". Just numb. Use that to your advantage. Take some chances and do a few things for yourself that maybe you were unable to do out of "guilt" or always putting someone else ahead of yourself. I hesitate to use the word selfish but I fear that may be the first step in tipping the scales back towards the will to live. Take a break, rest your mind, and try not to feel guilty about it. I'm trying to pick one thing, just one, to do for myself that will give me even a brief respite from the thoughts that occupy my mind currently. Vent. Send me a 10 page email if you like. But get it out. I saved my vent and am hoping it will not read quite so life altering tomorrow. I don't know what your personal circumstance are but I surely know what it feels like to be done. And regardless, that is the most important hurdle we have to clear before we can move on.
  5. thekindlove

    thekindlove Member

    i feel very much the same way since i lost custody of my children. they were my purpose for living and they are gone now. ive come so very close to doing 'it'...ive come to that place of acceptance like you have recently. for me it has come down to the simple choices i can make. there are really one two options for me...doing 'it' or doing 'life'.....i make that choice almost everyday some weeks. when i choose to live i am always surprised how the next day i feel somewhat ok and glad i didnt go thru with it. the only fear i have the next day is when that little bit of serenity in life will leave to make way for the acute suicidal attacks.

    i just 'roll with the punches' and tell myself that the suicidal attack will pass as it always does.

    what i have left to work with in its wake .....is the depression and everything that comes along with it. i try to manage the symptoms to the best of my ability.

    i dont have a good overall quality of life. that is evident...but it is the only life i have...to me i can find some value in that...if nothing else...being alive im able to share experience, strength, and hope with other ppl hurting like me and it is only because i am alive. that means something to me because i care deeply for hurting ppl or animals.

    i like to look at my life as a car model. some ppl get the mercedes and i got the broke down car...i'll never be a mercedes but with help i can manage my symptoms and at least get around in this thing called life.

    hugs to you and if no one has told you today....we love you.
  6. cail

    cail New Member

    take a step back, change which room you are in, give yourself a chance by hanging on for a couple more hours. do it for yourself. it is not selfish to take care of yourself because when you do, you are also helping those you love and who love you. have felt that dont care cant stand it feeling of hopelessness a lot lately. sometimes i can only promise myself one hour at a time of staying safe. but those hours add up.
  7. Mcmanus

    Mcmanus Active Member

    I cannot say I know what having children is like . I was not able to and my branch of my family name will end with me.
    I do have a step daughter. She's incredibly frustrating. Thinks she knows everything.
    I hope to help her become a self sufficient adult. Not my job or responsibility but I do hope to add to it.
    Is there a difference between the obligation that suicidal parents feel and that which suicidal children feel?
    If anyone has a thought on that question, I would love to hear, read it.
  8. Just Spent

    Just Spent New Member

    Thekindlove, I appreciate the kind words. I'm not to that point yet. My situation is playing out still, rather dynamic....one moment I feel it will turn out, the next it won't. My emotions rise and fall based on these factors. Point is, if things don't turn out how I need them to, I feel I've resigned to pass on. I thought I would be scared, I thought I would feel guilty but I don't. I want my situation to work out for the best and I'm doing everything possible....intense counseling and help from our church. I really don't want to pass on. But if things don't work out I feel the decision will be too easy to make. I think I'm ok with it. I have not brought this topic up to our counselor. It would only complicate things and make it appear as if I was using it as a resolution tactic. That's why I feel I'm here. To try to understand these feelings, or lack of. Thank you for listening and not calling me a loser.
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