got off last train, crossed street, looked up at building felt like being punched in the gut - sudden pain, couldn't breathe have to work, not an option but i don't know what i am here any more get no real help from any one here, least of all management expected to find my own projects to support the firm's direction but no one will tell me what that is and it's my fault if i can't come up with anything everytime i tell him i'm meeting with someone to see if i can find a problem to solve he keeps telling me not to commit to anything renders me useless still have to come up with new yearly goals and such - couldn't do it the last 5 years since they started - how can he expect this year to be any different? what the fuck am i? am i the sacrificial goat? am i the old man they want to get rid of to bring in 3 cheaper people? do they want me to make a noose for myself - wouldn't be too hard at all, so hard trying not to don't know how much strength i have left to fight this battle day after day really in a bad place at the moment - loaded with guilt from yesterday, feeling unwanted and alone today i want it to stop why won't god let me die already?