i'm certain i have no worth... ...but because the "world" says suicide is wrong and i still have a little time before my deadline comes and because i'm still practicing and still have to finalize my will and living will... ...i figure i should attempt to try to keep an eye out to see if might find i have self-worth... problem is: ...i won't be able to find it on my own, since i'm so convince i have zero worth and thus i need help from a "professional", but because i've been so abused by professionals in the past, including the recent past, asking for help from professionals is not safe...and even though i reported the abusive professional...no one has believed me and has in essence written me off as an "acceptable loss." ...and going to a hospital is traumatic and does not address any of the underlying issues...and i hated the times i've been in the hospital, because you just get treated like a number or something on an assembly line... ...and telling my family how i feel would just have them want me to go to the hospital...and i have zero friends...and if i did have friends i wouldn't feel safe telling them either.... so...where do i begin to even try to look for self-worth, when i already believe i have none and i have no place to start, since i'm an "acceptable loss" and everywhere i turn, i seem to hit a dead end or get hurt more or get ignored or dimissed. everything seems set up for me to fail... and getting "involved" in charity or volunteer work etc...is all out, because people are all dangerous and i cannot trust anyone...and i'm convinced i'm just a parasite in the world.... but i really sincerely wonder...given all that...where do i start to even believe i have self worth? and it won't come from someone saying "you have worth". words are just words.