"What are those stripes?"

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Dec 12, 2015.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    My mother's aunt noticed my scars for the first time yesterday.

    I've been cutting since I was 13, that's 12 years now. I have always tried to stop and recently I've done well to avoid succumbing to the urges and needs. My boyfriend is a great help.

    For years now I've refused to hide my arms unless I had new cuts; so yesterday I wore a short sleeved dress at an intimate family dinner.
    When it was just mums aunt and mums good friend and me at the table, mums aunt suddenly ran jer finger across one of my bigger scars on my left arm and asked me what those stripes were. My instinct was to try to hide my arm away... I stuttered some weird explanation and tried to change the subject.

    My mum knows they are there and I doubt anyone who had looked at them wouldn't be able to guess how I got them.

    I realise now I've always sat on the other side of her and she never got a close look of my arm before...

    Usually if people ask I tell them I did stupid things as a teenager... I always pretend it's a thing of the past.

    This week a lady at a course I take provided by the jobcenter, another student, told me that perhaps my scars were a 'good' thing. Apparently I'm really really good at pretending to be okay and happy and all that... my scars prove that I do have issues and I am not just pretending when I say I've been depressed since I was a little girl...

    I just... I didn't know what to say to mums aunt. She doesn't know what really went on. Mum trained me when I was little to keep up appearances and I could just a second after she beat me till I cried smile at someone and pretend everything was okay. Mums aunt only ever saw me smile.

    I can't tell her that I had to cut to deal with all the pain anger and hurt i felt... that I cut myself to stop the feeling of my rapist's hand on my arm years after it happened... that I had to cut myself so I wouldn't kill myself... that I ended up with a need to be punished and controlled... that I got addicted to the feeling and the hormones it released because my mum, her niece never showed me love.

    It hurts. It physically hurts.

    No one knew a thing and no one close to me will ever believe me.

    I have to live with the scars forever. I tried cream that should make them fade but it only made them stand out more. 12 years after and I can still see sone of the first ones.

    Blah. I curse the day I started...
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  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am saddened to hear that you have to hide the scars. You have nothing to be ashamed of as the scars , well to me, shows me you are a survivor of the horrible ordeal you suffered. I respect your thoughts and feelings but you have told your aunt. From the posting, I could see her supporting you as you have nothing to be ashamed of. Remember you were the victim and still suffering to this day.

    I know it's hard to deal with the emotions you are going through but it's about dealing with your feelings on a day by day basis. We all here carry emotional and physical scars but these are signs of the willpower we need to survive the daily chores of life itself. Keep posting as you know we care about YOU....
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