I bought my wedding dress six months ago. my wedding is in six days. I am so lost. I feel like I am floating through life just watching it pass me by. There was a point in time where every day I woke up was the worst day of my life. between doctors telling me I was going to die in the worst way I could imagine and the people in my life hurting me intentionally, both physically and psychologically... there were days I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't fight through the pain of my illness because I didn't want to. so why fight? why keep trying? Somehow I found enough strength to pull through when I was dying. I decided to live and now I cant remember why. why did I fight so hard? why didn't I just give up. the easy answer is I had hope. I convinced myself that I could have a better life if I wasn't sick. I fought for so long. and now I sit here wondering why. I have been with my fiancée for almost a year, and he is perfect for me in every way. he is exactly what I want. he is the strongest man I have ever met, he is an amazing person and he loves me. he pushes me to be my best and when he holds me in his arms the world melts away and I am safe- something I have never felt before in my life. I haven't stopped crying in weeks. makes no sense right? I am with this amazing man and instead of being happy like a normal person would, all I do is cry. why? well the answer is simple. hope died. in finding everything I wanted, in finding true happiness I killed hope. As much as I learned from myself in the bad times, I realized more in the good. I am not meant to be happy. I destroy everything around me when I am. When I was young my mother blamed me for my father leaving. I grew up hating her and thinking she was just selfish. who blames a child? but the more I look back on it now I think she may have been right. Sometimes the damage I caused was directly through my own actions. in high school I slept with my best friend's ex boyfriend and failed to tell her when they got back together. her tears (when she found out) were directly caused by me and my actions. I hurt the person who meant the most to me, not intentionally, but devastatingly. it was the first time I really started thinking back on all the things I had been accused of. just because I didn't do it intending to hurt someone did not in any way mean it wasn't my fault. the more I thought back on it, the more I realized that bad things were happing in my life to the people I cared most about. Of course you could argue that bad things happen to everyone, and I did, for a long time. I kept convincing myself that it was coincidence that horrible things were happening around me. bad things happen everywhere, it cant be one person's fault, especially if that is not what they are trying for. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I convinced myself otherwise, the fact still remained, the more I cared about someone, the more difficult and painful their life became. So now I cry. every night, because I don't know what to do. Do I stay with the man who makes me happy, who always makes me laugh, who I love and who loves me unconditionally? Do I marry my best friend and destroy his life, the way I have destroyed so many others? his life has already seen the effects of my wake. In one year since he proposed to me he has lost his ability to work, and very nearly his ability to walk(three surgeries later and he is still limping), and if that wasn't bad enough, he lost his son. He lost so much just having me in his life and he is still so strong and he carries on and fights so hard to keep a roof over our heads and make sure we have a future together. It would take so much to break him, but I could never live with myself if I were the reason it happened. I am lost. I have no hope left. if I leave him, we are both hurt, if I stay, I watch him suffer, I cause him to suffer... I lost hope. I killed hope. I am so lost. I remember a time in my life when I decided I would always let the universe decide. I would pay attention and listen to signs. After he was injured, the wedding we planned became financially out of the question. after I bought my wedding dress I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and now it doesn't fit. but on he other hand, my daughter and myself are all he has left. Is it not our duty to the one we love to put them before ourselves? how could I take another child from him? or another father from her? I am so overwhelmed and i have no idea what to do. i am lost and all i can think is why try? why bother? why get up in the morning when no matter what i do i hurt people? Why live life in pursuit if happiness when it is a figment. This is in large part, my own fault. i thought, like so many others, that happiness is a sense of being. you find it and it engulfs you and you feel all warm and fuzzy and all the bad goes away. in a sense that is true, i suppose, but i never realized that the key characteristic of happiness is that it is fleeting. What no one ever tells you is that happiness is a structure. you find the materials, you build it, over years you collect the things to put it together and make it beautiful and functional like any structure. You create it out of the things you choose, and construct it for yourself so that one day those pieces come together and give you a home. you balance it and try your best to make sure that if one piece gets removed or destroyed, the structure will not topple, but reserve the spot for the next piece of happiness you find. That is hope. that is what we fight for. that is everyone's future, it's what you make it, right? But what if the foundation is me? a destructive force... a plague... rotting flesh... contagious... As soon as you try to build on that foundation, what do you expect will happen? so again i ask... why try? what am i fighting for?