What can i do i feel trapped

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MikeAllen1973, Dec 29, 2010.

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  1. MikeAllen1973

    MikeAllen1973 Member

    Im just new to the site and this is my first posting.

    I want so much to end it all. I hate the life i've made for myself, I realise it's my own doing in alot of ways but i'm scared to go through with it. I hate waking up every day.

    A few months ago i took off in the car with a view to ending it all and the thoughts of leaving my little dog made me turn round and go home, however i didn't reach home when the police pulled me over. They could see i was upset and took me to Garlands Mental Hospital in Carlisle where i was assessed.

    After 19 hours i was told i could leave. When i got home my house that day and the next was full of visitors, one after the other. The police woman told me "see, people care about you". My take on it was that they were nosey and came to see what was going on. I was right, i've not heard from them since.

    I feel so lonely, i live in a small community with no work prospects, I have an ex wife who is on a mission to get me either beat up or bad mouth me to anyone who will listen.

    I have a mortgage that i can't pay much longer without an income and when i turn to my parents for advice they only want to bring up all my mistakes from the past. I realise i've made mistakes but i made the best choice or so i thought at the time.

    I have no patience with people and i find it hard to get along with people. I have a real downer on alchohol and it seems that the entire community in my area can't live without it.

    I want to move away from my hometown and my mother who has always put me down in my opinion says "if i can't make my life work in my hometown, i'll not make it work anywhere".

    I have a daughter who lives with her mother and she is showing signs of the same aggressive uncompromising attitude and i feel that if i move away she would develop better.

    I don't know what else to say but i'll be checking on the thread and am happy to respond to any questions as honestly as i can.

    I hope someone can help me get this mess sorted, thanks for reading.
  2. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    My life is eerily similar. Wish I had some advice so I could take it myself.
  3. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    try getting a unqualified job in a more decent community/bigger city, dunno keep seing these where they offer accommodation and a meal so the salary u get is quite untouched, u can pay ur mortgage and maybe enjoy being in a less closed down place, but yah u have to make shure first they r genuine sine there r a lot of frauds
    the thing about not makeing it work in your hometown may be half true however a lot of times the truth is inbetween
    Have to look in urself and find what you have to offer and if all else fails stubbornness to get tings done does work.
    The fact thet people there resort to drinking massively and ur parents have basically nothing good to say to you shows u need to get out of there.
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Mike and welcome to the forum
    Cumbria is a beautiful place but I can totally understand how living in a small community can make you feel trapped. Totally agree with you on the alcohol issue too and it's a pain in the neck when you're surrounded by drinkers.
    Other than the time you went to Garlands, have you ever been assessed or diagnosed with any mental health problems? Are you currently on any meds?
    Your mothers idea that if you can't make your life work in your home town then you can't make it work anywhere is ridiculous and you should laugh loudly when she says it. If that were true then everyone who left their home town would be a failure.
    It does sound like you need to leave that environment and start afresh. You seem to sinking into depression and sometimes a change in scene helps.
    Its also easier to find work in the cities and you may decide that you love living in a city. Lots of people do. Would it be possible to sell your house and use the money to start somewhere else? Or could you rent it out and cover the mortgage that way?
    I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter. Its true that she may be learning negative behaviour patterns from you but the fact that you recognise that shows that you can overcome it. You just have to 'unlearn' the behaviour yourself. There are lots of ways to do that and we'll be able to point you in the right direction.
    Feel free to pm me if you want to talk privately, otherwise post here in the thread. xxxx
  5. MikeAllen1973

    MikeAllen1973 Member

    A good long time friend has offered to pick me up and take me to stay with him for a few weeks in Minehead so that could'nt be much futher away from here, i mentioned it to my mother who immediately said she would look after my dog but said "yes no problem no problem whatsoever, you take yourself down there and see if thats the utopia you think it will be". Incidently, ive never said anywhere would be utopia.

    I was just about to post this up when the phone rang. My mother.
    "you just think about what your doing renting your house out to go down there with nobody to support you if you need it, we can't keep the dog for long"

    I think a part of me is runing away from my mother, it's not a nice thing to say and believe me, i've heard all the "mothers are like that" "it's your mother you cant fall out with her" etc to last a lifetime, truth is i don't bloody like her!

    I was on citalopram i stopped them because i felt tired all the time, in the past i've been on soroxat, fluoxatine and only the soroxat seemed to make a diff.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think go get away for awhile you need too the only med to work for me is wellbutrin the other did not work. Make it a holiday for you okay just do it the hell with everyone else look after you go have some peace some fun.
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay, I think that you're definitely going to have to go back to the doctors and get some more meds. It can take ages (literally years) to get the right drug but it's worth the effort.
    I also think that you should ask the doctor for a diagnosis and talk to him/her about talking therapies.
    I think going to stay with the friend is a really good idea but its a shame you can't take the dog with you. Your mother appears to be using your need for her help as a tool of control over you.
    Do you think she is offering to help you so that she can keep commenting on your life?
    If you didn't accept her help it would be a lot easier to tell her to mind her own business. Which I think you need to do in all honesty. It isn't any of her business, it's nobody's business but yours.
    Its not a crime to dislike your mother and its okay to draw boundary lines with your parents that they are not allowed to cross. Some parents have a difficult time remembering that their children have grown up.
    Do you have any siblings? If so, how are they treated?
  8. MikeAllen1973

    MikeAllen1973 Member

    only child
    mother parents both died when she was 11.
    i never get positive feedback on anything the only reason i tell them anything is a constant need for their approval and i never get it so i dont know why i bother
  9. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Why do you constantly need their approval?
    What sort of positive feedback would you like?
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Mike. Sorry to hear that you're suffering so much. You have a daughter and you need to stay alive for her sake as well as for your own sake. Keep trying to work things out with your ex-wife so at least you can visit your daughter peacefully. Keep looking for work and don't give up man. :hug:
  11. MikeAllen1973

    MikeAllen1973 Member

    UPDATE -

    My mate has made an excuse regarding picking me up and the train is too expensive so i can't go to stay with him, however, i did get to speak to someone who has agreed to give me some cash-in-hand work. Plus, i've decided to advertise 2 of my bedrooms for let. If i can let these rooms it will be enough to pay my mortgage and the other money will be more than enough for my needs. I've decided to do this for 2 reasons, 1 being the obvious financial benefit and the other being the possiblity that i may become friends with whoever lets and perhaps not be so lonely.

    Any thoughts guys?
  12. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I think that renting out your rooms is a good idea, with some issues to take into consideration:
    Don't have too high expectations that your tenants will be your friends
    Set clear ground rules and boundaries from the outset
    Make sure you keep yourself and your property safe

    I hope it works out well
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Definetly be careful to whom you rent okay do a check on the people you allow into your household It is good to have extra money for your finances though and maybe a great way to meet new people but just be safe okay take care
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