What can I do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bruces, Sep 8, 2015.

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  1. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I'm just so absolutely sick of my life I hate every aspect and I live in constant misery they say there's always other ways than to end it but I don't see it
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Know the feeling Bruces, getting quite sick of it lately myself. Just personal issues building up. You can take charge of your life by changing what you do/feel/think, not easy but can be done, there's a great book called ''taming your gremlin'' that some of us in chat have bought, i'm only a few pages in but can already see how it can change my thinking process. I think YOU have to want to do it and have to be willing to make sacrifices. You CAN do this and don't let anyone tell you otherwise Bruces! Hugs to you (hugs)
     
  3. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    But what about the things you can't change
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There are very very few things in the world that you cannot change. Few things can be changed without some type of effort or sacrifice, few thongs change themselves.

    There are a lot of things we do not like, but also do not want to do the work or effort needed to make them different. In his case it is a choice- we do not like something but do not like what needs to be done to change it more so instead do not change - that is then a choice.
     
  5. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    Yes I appreciate change has got to come from within and needs work and commitment I have a lot of unresolved issues in my life both internal and external

    Internal
    Chronic depression
    Ocd
    Psoriasis

    External
    Job issues (I took voluntary redundancy from my previous job to take over my dads business I then went on a depressive episode and basically failed so do I carry on or look for another job?
    The guilt is eating away at me for not doing the business right or if it was even for me I don't know)

    The above all have influencing factors in my suicide feelings,I can't seem to figure things out for myself I can't make decisions and im can't do problem solving,things seem so mixed up and complex I don't know where to start
    P,s sorry for the lengthy post
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    No need for sorry- thanks for sharing what is going on.

    It would be very hard to figure it all out at once - so do not try. Pick one thing you can find energy t work on for one day and see how that goes. Whether is going back into the business of your dads and trying to help out if that is an option , or talking to Dad or somebody in a heart to heart to figure out what your options are on that. Eventually you need to either make that work, apply for a regular job again, or if cannot work get on path for disability. Talk to somebody in family or job center to get more information on all three so can start figuring it out instead of just suffering in guilt and not changing any of it might be one way to start (though is a big one).

    Or perhaps ,make an appt to talk to dr about the ongoing issues and what need to do to get disability if truly cannot work so you have some income started again sooner rather than later. Good luck to you and please try to choose some little thing to work on so you do not just feel guilty and let that eat away at yourself. Talk to us - many have been in similar situation s when lost jobs because mental or physical issue became too much - and many could give you ideas on how to deal or move forward.
     
  7. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    It's a very difficult situation the business is running at a minimum now the premises which belong to my uncle is going to be developed for housing in a few years by my cousin,I think my dad kept the minimum amount of work to ensure I wasn't out of work but I put no effort into trying to make it work whether that was depression or laziness I don't know but it was still my fault regardless so I'm kind of in no mans land at the moment don't know whether to go back or forward it's such a complicated issue made worse by me ruminating about my previous job and there's the added factor of my ocd making the job very difficult for me to do,I do not know of anybody that's in any kind of situation like me it's impossible, I really do wish I didn't exist life is just far to complex for me,I can't suicide partly because of no courage and partly because I can't bear to hurt my family,but I am a heavy smoker and developing chest pains which I won't reveal to family and I'm kind of hoping it's the beginning of the end
     
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Bruces. Things do sound kind of complicated, with lots going on. I think we can all look back and feel maybe something was better before, or "if only I'd done [whatever] then, I'd be better off today." To move forward, we need to let go of the past, the "if onlys" and "what ifs." Things are easier to think about if we don't keep comparing the present to the past. We cannot change the past. We can make things better in the present, and that can help us figure out what we need/want in the near future. One piece at a time. Trying to solve all those things at once would make me feel overwhelmed.

    You said your job at your dad's business was hard for you because of ocd issues. I'm sorry...I'm not sure if I've understood the situation completely. Is your dad's business closing soon because the premises will be taken over by the housing development? Can you last at the job for a few years until the housing development starts? Or is the job at your dad's just not there now, or just not workable for you at all? (I've worked jobs that didn't mesh with my needs and personality. It was a relief to get away from them.)

    Because of the ocd, what other kind of work would be better for you? If you need an income, maybe a temporary or part-time job could help you gain back a sense of yourself and your abilities. And you might find a job that you really like and want to stay at.

    I hope you talk your family and doctor about your chest pains. There are all kinds of things that can cause that, including anxiety, viruses, heart/respiratory issues - a doctor can diagnose you, and I hope you see your doc soon.

    Please don't beat yourself up for the past. But maybe take some time to think about what you'd like do do and what would be a good fit. Those are small steps that can lead to more steps along the way. Be safe and stay strong.
     
  9. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your kind words things are so incredibly complicated I left my job basically for he redundancy money I woukd t have left otherwise and I was very selfish to just think of the money my dad paid for me to get my coach license and gas basically paid me to do nothing and also paid for writing my house renovated which he owns and I've never paid any rent on,I've cost him a fortune and all he ever wanted to do was make me happy,my ocd adds to the mix as I can't do the servicing of the vehicles because of my checking issues,he really would have been better off without me I've cost him money and lots if worry because I'm so selfish,I won't disclose the chest pains as I don't want him worrying more I just know there is no way I could live with myself after he goes so I want to go first,I'm a very selfish horrid person many people tell me that
     
  10. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I wish I could win the lottery and repay him
     
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Bruces, I wish we all would win the lottery to support ourselves and to repay those who have helped us. *hug*

    Many parents have helped their adult kids. Jobs and qualification courses don't always work out. It happens more than you might think. When someone owns a house, they need to take care of it over time, so whether you are living in it, or someone else, or even no one at all, your dad would have needed to keep in in good repair.

    I can appreciate how the redundancy money would have been tempting. (I left one job for another that offered me a 20% raise. I didn't enjoy the new job at all. After I was done there, I've never been offered as much money per year since. These things happen and can feel terrible. They are not a measure of who we are. I'm sure you're dad is a smart guy. He wouldn't care and help out if he didn't want to. :) I bet he knows you are very grateful for his help.

    So, please, stop beating yourself up for things that you can't change. Perhaps you could get a job similar to the one you left? It seems maybe it was a better fit. Again, perhaps a temp job or part time work to start you off.

    I'll be thinking of you when I buy my next lottery ticket. If I win gazillions, I'll let you know. :)
     
  12. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I don't think I can get out of this one the time is getting closer
     
  13. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I now know I am completely worthless
     
  14. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Active Member

    Nobody is completely worthless. I promise you this. Please consider the pain your family would feel without you here. I'm sure they wouldn't want to think of you feeling all this guilt?
     
  15. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    That's what bothers me about carrying it out the harm it'll cause to them or the other option is living a life of misery
     
  16. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Active Member

    I can identify with those feelings as I think we all can on this forum. Are you gettng any help for your medical conditions? That could be a good place to start to unravel things.
     
  17. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I'm losing my mind I can't think clearly I'm incapable of decisions,I don't want anymore meds or therapy I just want out I want to try and convince family
     
  18. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Active Member

    You need to speak to someone. A helpline, a doctor, the hospital, a family member. Tell them how you are feeling.
     
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