Pretty sure my current meds aren't cutting it. Nothing seems to work yet and I'm getting tired of the "meddy"-go-round. Lately it seems like I'm finally getting a handle on things then I get crushed by a wave of pain that lingers for hours. It's starting to get so bad that I'm researching things. Figured out that my bottle of xanax isn't enough (only .25 mg pills), but maybe it will be if I mix it with my old valium and a few drinks. My wife doesn't know that I've kept the old pills hidden. Not that I think she would really care. She knows that I'm having trouble right now, but she jut wants a warning if I'm going to end up in the hospital again so that she can prepare. I've even found a nice secluded spot where no one would be able to find me in time. My family already knows that I don't want to be resucitated and that they should cremate instead of bury. I had set some short-term goals to try to keep going - make it at least as far as my daughters getting through college (2 1/2 more years), but my birthday is coming up in about 5-weeks. The thought of killing myself on my birthday has a kind of symmetry about it. You guys are the only ones I can say anything to. I can't talk to professionals or my family. I won't talk to the police. The only reason I can say anything here is the layer of anonymity. I can't use the phone because I have no privacy at work and I know that I'll start to breakdown. Also I'm afraid to call a hotline because I've read that 800 numbers can use caller ID even if I block the number. I don't want anyone sending the police or an ambulance because that would just freak me out and tip me over the edge. I know that I probably should check myself into the hospital again but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know that there is a very real chance that I will kill myself if I can't get some help but deep down I know (the same way that I know the sun will come up in the morning) that if I go into the hospital for the third time that I won't be coming out on my own two feet. How stupid is that? I'm dead either way. I just can't see a way out of this anymore.