What can I do?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Feb 4, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Pretty sure my current meds aren't cutting it. Nothing seems to work yet and I'm getting tired of the "meddy"-go-round.

    Lately it seems like I'm finally getting a handle on things then I get crushed by a wave of pain that lingers for hours.

    It's starting to get so bad that I'm researching things. Figured out that my bottle of xanax isn't enough (only .25 mg pills), but maybe it will be if I mix it with my old valium and a few drinks. My wife doesn't know that I've kept the old pills hidden. Not that I think she would really care. She knows that I'm having trouble right now, but she jut wants a warning if I'm going to end up in the hospital again so that she can prepare. I've even found a nice secluded spot where no one would be able to find me in time. My family already knows that I don't want to be resucitated and that they should cremate instead of bury.

    I had set some short-term goals to try to keep going - make it at least as far as my daughters getting through college (2 1/2 more years), but my birthday is coming up in about 5-weeks. The thought of killing myself on my birthday has a kind of symmetry about it.

    You guys are the only ones I can say anything to. I can't talk to professionals or my family. I won't talk to the police. The only reason I can say anything here is the layer of anonymity. I can't use the phone because I have no privacy at work and I know that I'll start to breakdown. Also I'm afraid to call a hotline because I've read that 800 numbers can use caller ID even if I block the number. I don't want anyone sending the police or an ambulance because that would just freak me out and tip me over the edge.

    I know that I probably should check myself into the hospital again but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know that there is a very real chance that I will kill myself if I can't get some help but deep down I know (the same way that I know the sun will come up in the morning) that if I go into the hospital for the third time that I won't be coming out on my own two feet. How stupid is that? I'm dead either way.

    I just can't see a way out of this anymore.
     
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    How come you feel you can't be candid with your doctor? How can they help you if you are not totally honest with them? Remember they have dedicated their lives to helping people so their motives are pure even if you feel afraid.

    I know it is tough the "meddy-go-round" (very clever by the way!) but hang in there as once the right combo is found then the sadness/pain becomes so much more manageable and live more meaningful.

    I hope to be wishing you "Happy Birthday" soon!

    Hugs Bambi
     
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Can't get past my trust issues to talk to doctors, etc...

    Handcuffs and non-voluntary commitment will do that to you. I can't go through that again.

    People keep telling me that "they can't do that to you". My experience says otherwise. Hell, a visiting nurse hired by my insurance company did that to me.

    And while I guess I should say "thank you", I really hate my birthday. Haven't had a birthday party since 4th grade when no one showed up. Now they just seem to be survival anniversaries. Not something I can stand to celibrate. I hate myself too much to see a birthday as a good thing.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2010
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