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What can I even DO with my life?? *triggering*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cie, Apr 25, 2012.

  1. cie

    cie Banned Member

    It's almost been nine years since I stopped studying. Or working. Or anything. Living, even.

    Every day I live in horror and fear of the things I see at night. Many nights I don't sleep because I can feel them there.

    I used to have things I'd like to do. I wanted to work with computers - building them, fixing them - I was good at it, when I was twelve, and significantly better when I was sixteen and trying to study it. I failed and accumulated a large student loan - great. I wanted to learn martial arts, I finally found a place that taught it and was affordable (very barely - I suffered for it) and only got through 3 months of it because it was a style I didn't really want to learn but took it over nothing and lost interest, not to mention I had to move.

    A lot of interests have come, then quickly gone. A couple of weeks ago my Dad suggested welding to me because there were a lot of very short courses around and in the end none of them would suffice, I'd have to study for years which is not an option with having psychosis. My negative symptoms are extremely severe and they always will be, there is no cure. I have been through treatment for years, different medication and constant therapy. It eventually got me through two years of 3d animation and I was really good at it, well great, only one relapse in that time, things were looking alright until it happened, and when it did I let all my classmates and tutors down, and that's a lot of people. Before the course was over I had receded completely into my shell.

    Now that I've finished studying I've found out that it was all a gigantic waste of time, despite being really good at it (for my level of experience) I will never work in this field, because it is approx 80 hours a week and there's one studio in the entire country that could even offer me work, and they don't have any available; but why bother, even if they did, I'd decline because I can't work 40. Maybe 15. But they'll want 80 with significant overtime and if I fail there, the only place I could work, my entire career would be over. Not that I even have one at this point.

    I moved cities, got away from all that and everyone. My head overloaded and I needed to get out and I will never go back. Sixteen years in a polluted dump with really angry people in general and horrible living conditions and severe humidity - only place I wasn't covered in sweat was in the shower.

    The latest thing I've thought about doing is boxing, there's a place that teaches it for only $60 a month. That's an unholy amount of money to me because I'm on social welfare - which is the other thing, anything I want to do, anything I'd try doing, anything that could help me, I can't do, I can't try, I can't access; because it all costs MONEY. And I have none. They don't seem to think permanently ill people need to do more than eat and pay rent - Back to the boxing: So even though I'd be willing to give it a shot, and even though actually getting exercise could help, considerably even, I can't try it.

    It isn't my god damned fault that I can not work and I've really had enough of this, there is nothing for me in the world as long as I have psychosis, and my brain isn't going to magically repair itself and that's currently the only way I'm going to be able to do anything with my life.

    So after nearing a decade of struggling and getting NOWHERE, here's the question:

    What can I actually DO with my life?!

    I need meaning and significance.