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what can I expect?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DrkZ90, Apr 5, 2011.

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  1. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    I am in a really bad state of mind, overall really crappy.

    I was with a "friend", the one I consider to be the closest one I have to a real friend... and he showed me this video where some people kill a girl for being emo and it really affected me... not just because of the extremely graphic and gory nature of the video, but because it gave me that feeling of being powerless about it..

    And even worse, it gave his words over the last couple of days a bit more of meaning and a reason to worry...

    I'm gay, and so far, haven't come out to anyone yet... for the longest time, since I considered him to be the closest "friend" I had, I thought he would be the perfect person to come out to, and that perhaps he could be there for me like I have for him in the past... but the more I've kept hinting at the fact that I'm gay, the more homophobic and angry he has become... and after today, I no longer feel safe coming out to him because if he can keep that in his computer with no remorse about it, what would happen if he knew I'm gay? what would happen if he knew I had / have feelings for him? I can't stand his hatred, and wouldn't be able to stand him getting violent...

    And even then, he had also been such a great guy as of late... for the first time ever, he admitted he wasn't comfortable or happy with me leaving, that he would like it if I stayed, but that he understood it was better for me to move out... I just don't know what to make of all this...

    I've lost my faith in everything... don't have a reason to think there's good people out there, no reason to think that things will actually be better, no reason to think that there will ever be a place for me in anyone's life and heart...

    I feel I finally reached the end, that I finally arrived at the inevitable dead end...
  2. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Well, a couple things come to mind.

    About this video...it wasn't a snuff film, was it? How did your friend react to it? Did he overtly enjoy it?

    Has your friend ever shown any tendency toward violence, against anyone?

    Has your friend ever shown any tendency toward homophobia or hatred against gays? How about stereotyping in general?

    People are pretty consistent across different contexts. If he's the type to call blacks the N bomb, for instance, then chances are that's just the type of person he is.

    Now, all of that being said, you seem to have at least felt some closeness to him. You should know him well enough to judge his character. If he's felt safe up until now, I don't think the film is strong enough evidence to make yourself wary of him. I would suggest paying more attention to whether or not he's the intolerant type.

    Just about all of my friends and I have seen snuff films, just out of curiosity. I'd go as far to say that most people are exposed to them at some point. We react to them differently, from being totally apathetic, to being utterly disgusted or terrified, to actually enjoying it. So I don't think that by itself is a strong indicator one way or the other of what type of person he is, unless he was excitedly pointing out details to you and getting off on the whole thing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2011
  3. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    Dunno... I don't even know what a snuff film is to start with... all I know is it looked completely real... a gang beating a girl to death.

    He had already watched it at least once before, because he kept telling me what was about to happen and all that... I wouldn't say he overtly enjoyed it, but he clearly wasn't disgusted either.

    Not that I know of, but I don't know...

    That he has... more than once... and quite a lot this week...

    Idk... I've felt like that closeness is one-sided, that I while I care about him as the best friend I have, I'm little more than a tool for him... it still hurts that he went 3+ months without talking to me last year and that he had no intentions to ever talk to me again, that I felt like I forced him to start talking again... I also started to think that I felt close and attached to him out of that need to be close to someone... I just don't know what to make out of all of this...

    I was doing so great, like light was finally filtering through the darkness, but now I'm feeling like back to zero...
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Just stay away. Trust me, it will do you good. If he shut you out of his life, don't try to force your way back in. I did that with a guy that I was into, and it's brought nothing but grief.

    He's not going to be pleased if you come out. You have NOTHING to gain. He's not going to declare his love for you. From what you've posted, there is a very real chance he will react aggressively.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Why not come out to him? Maybe his anger is not at homosexuality, but more that he is confused about what you are trying to tell him. Maybe he sees your "hints" as flirting but is not sure. Make it clear to him. Maybe he is homosexual as well.. and just as scared as you.
  6. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I have to disagree with coming out with it. Based on what you've said, he hasn't put as much value into your friendship as you have, clearly. And you said he's expressed himself as the intolerant type. You're probably right that the closeness is one-sided. It's pretty damned rare to get that wrong.

    By the way, a snuff film is a video in which what is happening on screen is not being acted, but is real. So a snuff video of someone being murdered is just that--an actual video of someone getting murdered.

    I say wait on it. At this point, you have a lot to worry about. There's too much evidence that you'll be not only rejected, but shunned, or worse, attacked (which probably wouldn't happen, but the risk is still there). I think that would be difficult to cope with. There may be a point when coming out feels safer. I would suggest you wait until that time comes, if it comes.

    I know what it's like to be in a one-sided relationship, and if your senses tell you it's one-sided, it's a good idea to trust them.
  7. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    that's actually being a major trigger for me... to think the closest "friend" I have is just a lie, the feeling that he is just using me is always there, and the fact that more than likely he wouldn't accept me... nobody would... nobody can even treat me as a real friend, let alone accept me... and in that same way, I know coming out to him won't result on him declaring his love for me, I know that even if he was gay (Which he more than likely isn't) that wouldn't happen... the only good thing would be taking that load off my shoulders and now it seems like it would be replaced by something worse: his hatred and I doubt I could handle any more of that.

    I guess I'm just digging my own grave either way... the only thing I Wouldn't like him doing is attacking me, because I don't want him to get in trouble, because I care too much about him, because I was naive enough to think he would ever consider me his friend... I just need to face the truth, it's too late for me...
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