What can I say :\

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by butterfly12274, Apr 18, 2007.

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  1. butterfly12274

    butterfly12274 Well-Known Member

    Hi there, I am 17, I'm a student.

    I'm absolutely fed up with school, the same routine every day. Get up, go to school, sit in the mids of people who are so active that there's hardly any polite way to throw in your ideas in conversations, listen to teachers preaching science subjects as if they were true, get home, play games, occasionally learn, watch telly at random time as to show my face at a more public place in the house because otherwise dad believes I would be nearly a stranger living at the house, go to bed and fall asleep after listening to Morrissey's life is a pigsty which always gets me in the right mood...

    So fine, I'm feeling reasonably well atm, that is, I'm just feeling a small part of sadness mixed with being scared and not really at ease. I wonder what death is like, it could be heavenly, hell, or eternal sleep (which seems like heaven to me even though I never recall any of my dreams, it's just eternal numbness). Eternal numbness, no more thinking, no need to make decisions, no need to learn for school, no more possibilities to fail at doing something. It seems so much better! Yet at the same time the thought of killing myself is frightening when I try to look at it as something positive (as suggested by satan's practical guide to suicide). Sure I might feel a bit stressed atm, I've felt like this before.

    But yet, I have no bldy reason to feel like this, I have no reason to actually seek for help. It just seems silly. If one'd ask me why I feel like this I just can't freaking answer the question because I don't know! I tried to find out myself but I'm tired, I feel like giving up...

    I'd love to simply be dead, just like that. The suicide act is scary imo, I couldn't possible cut my wrists, I can't really stand a lot of blood, but oh did I love to examine those wrists trying to feel where the heart beat is at. Though I've read that that method is very ineffective. There's no cyanide, no high bridge (and when I was at this huge cliff whilst on holiday, I just couldn't do it, not even step on the rail), no other kind of thing that could kill me softly without messing up my body, getting my family some kind of bill (train), ...

    Sometimes I feel somewhat happy, sometimes I laugh, but mostly I'm just sad, nobody notices, I appear to have done a great job to hide it, well somewhat. As to my friends I did make remarks such as "well I've read cutting one's wrists is a very bad method to get the job done" but they indeedly take it as a joke.

    Last time I got drunk ('t was on the same holiday of about 2 weeks ago) I apparantly layed down in the corner of the hotel room (where the party was at) crying. Well not really crying, my eyes were just tearing. That time I actually was asking them silly questions such as "would 12 rinomars kill me?" (I only had 12 and how could I know cough pills are so bad for it...) and "do you think this hotel is high enough to kill me?" (I couldn't find a door on the top of the building). Well they just assume it's nothing serious as I was drunk anyways.

    A couple of years ago I thought science was everything. I believed in it! I thought it explained the workings of the earth. But then I noticed that science hadn't yet explained everything, there were some things it just didn't explain. So I started digging deeper and I noticed that science was based on assumptions, and that was a horrible point. It meant that all I believed in all of the sudden was no more but some wild guess, some great bunch of uncertainty.
    I dug deeper and then even started questioning the very existance of a simple table in front of me. We might be in a matrix, perhaps it's all in my mind. It's all so much uncertainty, it ddrives me mad! The only conclusion I can draw is that I had to change my goal in life, it is impossible to learn things, it is impossible to know things, it is impossible to really know what life and the very world we live in is. We know NOTHING. Thus I had to change my goal from trying to learn everything there was to know in the world to something else... (still haven't found a substitute). So the question arises. How can I live in a world where not even ethics are a certainty. (what's good and what's bad, we all just follow the same rules but who started with them anyways, perhaps they are wrong, perhaps they are not, I don't know, I know nothing, please kill me)
    Well at the end of that phase in my life I got myself drunk at home for the first time whilst nobody was watching and I quite liked being drunk. I kept getting my ass drunk with vodka every random night of the weekend.

    The last trimester I managed to get my thoughts nicely strangled (if that makes sense) and I used the "I'm ignorant, I know nothing, I can do whatever I like, maybe this place just ain't real!" and thus I didn't learn for my exams (failed at half of them) and by all means still got drunk every weekend without them noticing. Well, except for that one, last weekend of the exam period. I had finished my bottle of vodka, yet I wanted more, so hey I grabbed me a bottle of tequilla, emptied half of it. I was still positive towards alcohol at that time btw. The next thing I remember was waking up the day after with my bed covered in vomit and I was still drunk when I actually woke up. My mates have vomitted in there bed in such a way as well, though they got drunk together which apparantly makes the situation looks a lot better. Because mom and dad sure seemed very disappointed. I have tried not to drink so much ever since but like I said, whenever I do get drunk I just cry all the time. But that doesn't explain being sad after like a month or so of soberness!

    Odd, I feel much calmer now, though mostly I feel pretty darn scared. I should be doing my homework but as usual I just don't feel like it. (it's not like I normally have bad grades or so, the grades are no problem, unless of course I don't learn for them). I'm just tired. This morning I woke up and wished I could just stick into the total blackness forever.

    Oh and on a sidenote, when I leave the house I do look around for various things that seem deadly. It's rather odd, but it's a safe place I live in, sadly.
    Ah and I wonder why I seem to like to feel like this more than feeling normal, is it boredom, wanting to join the emo cult or something? (he, writing somehow calmed me down)

    Do you think I have a problem? (I never rely on myself to attribute myself the right to say I have a problem. Last time I got ill I just ran around saying "I feel fine!", occasionally running for the toilet)
    Because I shouldn't have a problem as a problem normally has a cause and I'm not terminally ill, I have okay friends though it must have been years since I've had a hug or something. Never had a girlfriend either. Kind of pathetic I guess.
    I hope I'm not being an attention whore, I hope I'm not trying to feel bad just to get attention etc. In the end you should spend your time on real suicidal people, but I'll just post this in case it's valid.

    Well I do have a tendancy to cherish the occasional knife that I come by (whilst doing the washing up).

    So, please, lil help?? (if this place is real that is)
     
  2. sarahg

    sarahg Well-Known Member

    not quite sure how I got here.21 years of drinking-21years of bad choices,till the last 1 broke me.36 now and it was like most of what u wrote was about me.life is full of risks to all its i guess how we front those risks and challenges.month i think now sober and on the beginning of a new me.thank you for this it reall touched me,i so wish i had the words to make a differences to you,but on here u find wisdom in the wierdest of places.always here,sarahg
     
  3. butterfly12274

    butterfly12274 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to have been of help sarahg.

    Right my first post seems to be a bit long. So I'll sum things up here:
    I have no real problems, though I feel awful and want to kill myself (have thought of methods, but am still undecided).
    Should I see a shrink?
    Should I tell my parents?
     
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    sounds like you need some sort of motivation in your life.

    try walking away from routine, take a different path to school, try doing new things.

    or maybe you just crave to be loved and to love
     
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