what can I say?

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by cameron, Jul 20, 2007.

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  1. cameron

    cameron Guest

    This is something I've never done before, so I'm not exactly sure where to start. I've had problems with depression since I was about 7, when my parents got divorced and we moved across the country. It started getting really bad in my teenage years, probably starting at 12. So for the past 6 years or so (I'm 18), I've dealt with extreme depression, and it's never been something I was really able to talk about.

    My father (who has the same problems) picked up on it when I was in highschool, and started doing drugs, and it became noticeable that I was mutilating myself. At that point he made me go to counseling, and I eventually starting taking anti-depressants. They helped for a while, then slowly stopped working. I got back into drugs, and my counselor made me stop taking the anti-depressents for fear of it mixing with the drugs.

    From there it was pretty much down hill. I dropped out of school when I was 16. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 17. Luckily, I'm very talented when it comes to computers, so that provided me with a living. But, I've never been able to keep a job. I have a pattern of doing really well for a few months, then for some reason or another, I'll get depressed, and just stop going, and get fired. This has happened many times.

    And that's where this particular episode picks up. Roughly a month and a half ago, I broke into my similar pattern of depression, and just didn't go to work. So, I got fired from my job, which was actually a very good job, which paid well, and that I enjoyed.

    At first it wasn't that bad, I figured I would be the same as always: I'd be depressed for a couple weeks, then I'd get another job, and be back on my feet. After a couple weeks passed, and I was still depressed, and still hadn't found another job, the depression started getting bad. At my girlfriend's urging, I attempted to get medication for the first time in 3 years. But, due to lack of money, insurance, and a doctor who didn't seem to trust me, I wasn't able to.

    So, now the bills are pilling up, and I have no way of paying them. I had a fair amount of debt before I lost my job, and now I have more, totaling somewhere around 4 grand. I can't find a job, and even if I could, I would not be able to get to it, as my insurance on my car is about to expire, and the next payment will not clear the bank (which will further mess up my credit). My roommate, out of goodwill, is being understanding, and letting the rent slide, but that will only last for so long. The only place I have left to go, is back to my parents' house, which at this point would be devastating, because that would mean I would be an hour's drive away from my girlfriend (my only support), so i would be able to see her occasionally.

    As I type this, at 6am, my roommate is walking out of the door, to go out of town for the weekend. My girlfriend is out of town with family. My best (and only) friend is out of town visiting friends. And I feel completely alone.

    My girlfriend and my cat seem to be the only things keeping me alive at this point.
  2. Jolanta

    Jolanta Member & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    First of all :hug: welcome to SF. I'm glad you found us as you seem to have quite a load on your mind and on your shoulders. You came to a good site if you are looking for moral support.
    That was quite a confession and you were very brave to put it all down in black and white. You seem to have a good handle on what your problems are.
    I'm a site buddy. if you want to chat, you can PM me at any time, I'm usually home.

    With love from Jolanta :)
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    welcome to this forum..

    I am sure you will find many caring people on here..

    and you can pm me also if you need to...
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum hun. :hug:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF Cameron. Althought things seem overwhelming and hopeless right now, you have the ability to change them. Make yourself get out there and find work. For some of us it is a struggle to get out of bed everymorning, but usually you have to do it for some reason. Maybe a job is that reason. Since you are unemployed and unable to work for long because of the depression, can you qualify for any type of assistance. Maybe you could get on something that will help with medical. I am unsure of the rule structure for this where you are. Might be worth a shot though. I hope you are able to get back on your feet soon. take care. :hug:
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