What caused your Eating Disorder?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Apr 3, 2010.

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  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    And by Eating Disorder, I do not just mean Anorexia or Bulimia, because I don't have either.
    Eating Disorder can mean anything pertaining to not having what is considered to be a 'normal' relationship with food.

    Personally my eating disorder started at a very early age. When my parents were having problems, my mum would shut us up with food. Take away, junk food etc. She'd let us eat whatever we wanted by way of guilt and of course this caused my brother and I to be obese children, teenagers and now adults.
    He struggles with his weight but has somewhat embraced it and decided there is nothing he can do about it, so he may as well eat... and that he does.
    I on the other hand binge and purge, go for days without eating, binge and then get upset, spend my time drinking alcohol so I am too hungover to eat/can't keep anything down, have even done drugs so I don't feel hungry. My weight is the bane of my existence and is the major cause of all of my problems.
    I can't blame my mum because she was trying her hardest as a parent, and nobody is perfect. It's just a shame the thing she did to try and help did the complete opposite.

    So it pretty much all goes back to over-eating as a child and then being bullied by everybody - friends/family/strangers throughout my childhood and teens (and even now, as a 26 year old woman) for being fat. :lone:
    I hate being fat, I am sick to death of being fat and it does feel like reason enough to end my life.
  2. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    We are polar oppostie Aurora.

    Mine started at 3 yrs old and have been ill ever since. I just remember feeling like a fat, ugly person at 3 yrs old and food was never the same. Started starving in 5th grade and the rest is history.

    Even at a sickly low weight...nearing death as my doctor flat out says. I cannot get past the mental block of my disorder. My doctor says that based on my history and lack of care in the past, he doesn't see much hope for me.....other than a miracle.

    Part of me is happy b/c I am I am in control and empowered by it...keeps people away from me. Yet, the other part is angry with my father for not allowing hospitalization at 14 yrs old when the school intervened....he was more concerened about his reputation as my parent are known in the community. It was like he indirectly said he would rather chance my death than damae his image of a perfect family.

    I am now 34 and walking on egg shells. Everyday is a challenge physically....I went out for a walk in the cold the other day and now I feel like pneumonia is setting in.....the bruises are aching me and I feel lifeless....yet, I still see FAT FAT FAT,,,,,,UGLY UGLY UGLY......DIE DIE DIE.

    This life gets extremely expensive and nightmarish.
  3. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    God I'm so sorry Pinkpetals.
    I have parents exactly the same, and it makes me sick when you think that they would risk their childrens health because of 'what people might say'. What is more important?
    I hate myself for saying it but I constantly wish I had the willpower to starve, but I can never last more than a few days. Right now my main focus is a gastric band because I physically will not be able to eat (much).
  4. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    To be honest im not too sure where my eating problem has come from... all i remember was from being very young i use to think i was fat.... i had this very bad self image id look at myself in the mirror and feel sick. id go days and days without eating... id lose loads of weight but id still feel i was fat.... i use to look at pictures of myself and think omfg i look so fat.... everytime i went round to my great aunts house with my mum on a sunday i could hear her saying to my mum she needs a good meal down her shes far too skinny... but i never saw myself like that.

    I look back at pictures of myself when i was younger and i think wow i was very slim... and id give anything to be back that size as now im older i truely do feel fat ... :(

    I had this prob when eating like if i dont like the look or smell of food i wont eat it... im pretty bad to be honest as if i dont like the look of it ill gag really bad trying to eat it if im pushed into trying it...and when its going in my mouth i picture horrible things in my head about the food and all i can think is urghh im going to be fat etc. so i end up throwing up... theres food i aint even tried to this day like tuna/any fish at all along with other things as i cant stand the thought of them touching my mouth :(...

    So yeah at the minute its another one of them stages in my life where i feel so fat and ugly i aint eaten fofr roughly 6 days now :(

    sorry if this post is like dead long..... :(
  5. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    It's like we are trapped Aurora.

    Could you do little things little by little to create a healthier relationship with food?

    I know one gal who video blogged herself everday so she could herself and hold herself accountable for rebuilding her relationship with food and losing weight....I think she lost almost 100 lbs by the end of year.

    As hard as it is, I at least try to go out and stock stuff in the refrigerator. Even if it is not eaten, I accomplish getting out and doing a normal person routine.

    Have you started making any small changes? One idea I had for you, was to change your avatar....give yourself a pic that reflects how you want to feel....like maybe a pic of a beautiful bowl os strawberries. Minus the whipcream...hee hee. Naughy naughty Pinky!!! :)P
  6. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Lonelygirl, Ewwwww, I know what you mean by anything that use to have a face....yuck. Father use to make us do "Seafood Sundays" my mum would lay out all the seafood creatures on the dining table and I remember getting so upset and walking upstairs to my room without eating. I think they wanted me to feel guilty for my eatin behaviors....like it was a priveledge to eat that crap. I became vegetarian in junior hs and then vegan.

    I'm sorry but regardless of my ED, there are some things that shouldn't be eaten!!!!! :-D
  7. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Anything is worth a try at this point. I never think I will have the strength though because there's still so much other crap going on in my head! Nightmare, but well done to that girl that is amazing.
    hahaha my avatars are always ridiculous! lol
  8. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    SWEET! You pick a new avartar and I promise to eat my 6 grapes that I was going to throw away. We start somewhere right????!!!

    A new you Aurora!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A new me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Scary but we can at least do small changes here and there......Are you keeping a diary or some thread so we can support each other?
  9. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    hehe okay deal Pinkpetals! I'm going to go hunt down a new avatar (something slightly happier, small steps) and you eat your 6 grapes. :)

    I do have a diary, but I always forget to write in it and then I end up starting a new one. But instead I think I could turn it into a food/exercise diary of sorts. Do you have one?
  10. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    lol, I use to be that way too...now I go into it even if i put a blurb in there....mine is under MEMBERS ONLY DIARY...it's called "PERFECT LIFE." er er, a little sarcasm there.

    Yes ma'am I will eat my 6 grapes and you'll have a new fresh avatar pic.

    Makes it nice to have someone to journey with!!!! :)
  11. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    low self esteem.
    Once I started school- and co-mingled with other kids; I was teased and picked on all the time... told I was stupid and fat and ugly- and I believe it.
    That type of abuse doesn't really go away... and my mindset hasn't changed either. I hate the way I look- so I get sick when I eat because I feel like I shouldn't have eaten and didn't deserve to eat because I suck so bad.
  12. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    I go through waves of months of eating hardly anything, and when I do it's all super healthy and I do loads of exercise, then months of doing nothing and eating junk food... neither can be good for me... I'm not sure what caused it exactly though, I think it's from being teased for being out of shape and fat when I was at school as well and then just when I start to feel good about myself I suddenly don't give a fuck and just get really lazy again :/
  13. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Started with a competition with my friends in 7th grade to see who could lose the most weight. We were all pretty hard on each other and would tease each other constantly about how much the other girls weighed. Then, I met someone on neopets who happened to be anorexic and I told her about what was going on with my friends and she told me about some pro-anorexia sites. I went there and decided to start starving myself. I was pretty stupid. >.< I'm super competitive, but because I 'won' the diet game, I ended up with an eating disorder that I've struggled with ever since. Yay me. :dry:
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    my parents bringing me into this world and not knowing how to bring up children in it.
  15. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Things that get blamed regularly--

    --low self-esteem

    --co-dependent relationship

    --parents' financial troubles. This was a way of me making up for things that I had no control over. I can't stop my family from moving...so I'll starve myself! Yipee!

    --some people would blame my dad (alcoholic---binge drinker), but I didn't have a clue of it until well after the ED started.

    --I grew up a big, weird fish in a small pond. I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I was one of the smartest in my small town. Arguably one of the more ambitious ones too...and to an extent, I don't care much about fitting in. I didn't go drinking in cornfields, didn't take Ag, cared that my high school education was crap. With people like me in small towns...people who don't fit in with "the norm", the normal people start to get nervous. And you get ostracized. So on one hand, I didn't take crap from anyone...but you could see the emotional toll it was taking on me *very* readily.

    Even now this affects me, because I'm seeing (via Facebook, I haven't actually talked to anyone I went to high school with in years) the people I went to high school and college with get married...start popping out babies. And now, as someone who has always been ahead of the curve in so many things....I feel like I'm getting left in the dust.

    I'm among the more educated of the people who grew up in my town, and I think the most educated of them in my graduating class. I have a good job. I *GOT OUT* of that god-forsaken town. I accomplished the things that I set out to do. And now I'm stuck in this no-man's land where I have no goals and no ambition.
  16. White_Darkness

    White_Darkness Well-Known Member

    Very low self-esteem. I basically hated myself and stopped eating. When I was in the 2nd grade (yes, in elementary school) I lost over 13 lbs and when I was in the 4th grade, the school noticed I wasn't eating and the school nurse got involved. The principle made me go to the nurse every week for weight checks, making sure I wasn't loosing more weight and during the lunch hour, teachers sat down with me, checking if I was eating. This kind of changed when I was in jr high and high school, but I still eat irregularly and I feel soo bad when I eat like a normal person.

    I think I'm scarred for life, though. Just because I started starving myself at such an early age. I don't remember how it feels to eat normally and enjoy eating. I probably never will.
    I look like a normal (yet kind of skinny) person nowadays, but I hate my body. Until last summer, I hadn't been on the beach in a bikini since elementary school. I hated it, though. It felt like everyone was looking at me (though they probably weren't, lol)
    I've never been hospitalized though, yet I think there were times when my mom was forcing me to eat telling me she'll send me to a hospital if I won't cooperate with her.
  17. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    Early puberty, I was teased for my chubbiness and my breasts... It got worse when I started having periods (I was 8 then), P.E classes were hell. So I started dieting when I was about turning 12 to get rid of the fat.

    I weigh 18 pounds less today as an adult, than I did as an early adolescent. That's a little creepy....
  18. xChristina

    xChristina Active Member

    I thought I was bullied because I was fat. Probably not, I'll never know. But I'll always hate myself anyway.
  19. Mordeci

    Mordeci Banned Member

    poor self esteme, lonleyness, and isolation.
  20. Infinite Sadness

    Infinite Sadness Well-Known Member

    I know what happened to get the ball rolling.
    I was about 5 years old and with my best friend at the time. We were sitting in the back of her mom's car in short-shorts (80s...lol) and she took one look at the way my thighs spread out and said "Ewww! You are really fat! Look at how fat your legs are and mine are not."

    That was the beginning of my negative body image. I would slump over in class so my teeshirt would fall out and over my little babyfat rolls. Seriously, it was just baby fat, but I didn't know. I thought I was ugly and wrong looking. Now I have bad posture! I was taking my mom's diet pills around 7 years old.

    It wasn't until after my mom died at 13 when I started to really starve myself. My adolescent pdoc put me on ritalin and boy oh boy did that ever help me to get real skinny-like.
    I would come home and empty yogurt containers into the sink and make sure my grandparents saw them in the garbage so they thought I was eating. I also became a vegetarian so I didn't have to sit down to dinner with my grandparents who were but meat eaters.

    My lowest was 89lbs at a height of 5'4. That's when I got threatened to be hospitalised if I didn't gain to 100 lbs. I did but then I started binging and purging instead.
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