What constitutes "suicidal"?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aurex, Nov 26, 2007.

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  1. Aurex

    Aurex New Member

    I know this sounds confusing, but what exactly defines "suicidal thoughts" or "tendencies"?

    Every program I've been to, every commercial, every seminar tells me what defines someone as suicidal, and I'm miserable, but I can't figure out what exactly I am.

    I don't want to kill myself. That won't solve anything. If anything, it will make things more difficult for everyone else. All I have right now is debt, and my life insurance won't pay in event of a suicide. I could never drop my college loans onto my parents and grandparents (my cosigners). Supposedly, someone thinking of committing suicide wants to get their affairs in order, but do thoughts like these constitute that?

    I'm listless, I have no enthusiasm, and I can't even force myself to do the most basic work anymore. I'm still passionate about what I study, but I'm so far behind in work now, because I can't bring myself to even read the text. I sat today and stared at my work, screwed around, and got absolutely nothing done in 7 hours of free time. I have a report that was due last tuesday, a research proposal due tomorrow, and several assignments due (some of which are overdue) in a class tomorrow.

    I feel worthless, and I'm beginning to believe I don't want to feel any better, because if I'm happy and content, but still can't do work, that it's because I'm stupid or lazy, and not because I'm absolutely miserable.

    I'm also in a bad relationship I can't seem to end, because I'm terrified of hurting my boyfriend. He's been one of my best friends since I came out of the closet, and I don't think I could handle losing him, but by drawing out a relationship I know is going to fail, I'm running the risk of alienating him.

    I've always had weird "thoughts". How I could finish it and no one would notice. Things like that. But, I've also always felt like it was a dumb idea. Ending things doesn't make it better, it just makes the problems go away. It makes everything go away. And I still feel that way; I doubt I could ever kill myself. But today, as I sat feeling worthless, the only other thing I could think about was how I could make it all go away. I live in an apartment 40 miles away from my parents' house, but if I go there, I know exactly where the knives are. I know where the handguns and ammunition are. But I just can't seem to sort through everything I'm feeling.

    I'm currently speaking to a school psychologist, but as the end of the semester draws nearer, the schedule gets tighter and tighter, and my appointments are more stretched out. I just feel like I need someone to talk to, and I found myself steered here as a result.

    Does anyone understand how I feel?
  2. Chris Turner

    Chris Turner Member

    have you thought about changing what your studying?
  3. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    I understand...I went through a similar thing myself. Had a really hard time and was suffering berevement....I had real bad depression and although I loved what I was studying I just had no motivation to do it. At the same time I was engaged to a guy I just didnt want to be with but couldnt end it.....instead I ended up cheating on him and forcing him to end it and it was all pretty horrible.

    Obviously you have to make your own descisions but I would say get out of the relationship...all the worry and pressure of that is probably making everything else much more difficult. Talk to your partner, tell him how you are feeling and try to keep things as calm as possible. Maybe you can still be friends even if you split up.

    As for your studying...is it possible for you to arrange some time out....maybe a year off to get yourself together, maybe work and have a bit of a change so that you can come back to it refreshed (I had the opportunity to do this and didnt...I wish I had cos I ended up fucking everything up).

    It's good that you are speaking to the school psychologist....is there any other help and support you could get?

    You need to take things one small step at a time and reward yourself when you manage to acheive a goal you have set...remember not to set the goals too high or you will just feel worse if you dont meet them.

    I wish you all the luck in the world with this...it's such a crappy situation to be stuck in and very difficult....sounds like you are on the right track though as you realise something is wrong and you are already taking steps to try and sort it (reward yourself for that!)

    If you want to chat to me feel free to pm :)

  4. Aurex

    Aurex New Member

    Thanks for the replies.

    I don't want to switch majors; I'm listless now, but I still love what I'm studying. Doing field research (I'm am environmental biology student) is one of the few things I can motivate myself to do right now.

    As for my boyfriend, I do intend to end it, but every time I feel like I have the courage to say something, he tells me how much he loves me and I lose everything I had garnered. I made the mistake of dating my best friend, and part of me is afraid I'll lose him, but part of me also knows that he's mature enough and cares about me enough that he'll understand. I just need to get up my courage and be able to actually start the conversation.

    I don't think I can take time off from school, either. I'm pretty sure that the way my loans are set up, if I'm part time or out of school for six consecutive months, I have to start making payments, and I have well over 10,000 dollars in debt right now. I could, theoretically, get a job to pay the loan payments, but I won't be able to afford to keep paying them once I come back. I am trying to lighten my course load for next semester, too, so hopefully that will help.

    And as for the psychologist... I don't know who to talk to outside of the psychologist. I don't want to talk to any of my close friends about this, mostly because I'm embarrassed about it, and I'd feel like I was whoring their attention, or putting something on their shoulders they don't need or deserve. Most of all, I don't want people treating me any differently because they think I'm depressed. I don't want people to act differently around me because they're afraid of what I might do.

    Thanks again for the replies; I've found that just talking about this sometimes helps me feel better about it... I need to head to bed now, though. I'm getting up a few hours before my first class tomorrow to try and get some of the work done I couldn't do today.

  5. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    what about talking to your doctor? (I assume you're in the USA or Canada or something and I'm afraid I dont know how things work over there!). I'm sure there are also support groups....best way to find them is google! If you need to talk to someone in a safe and confidential environment there are the samaritans (I think they are called 'Befrienders' across the pond :) )....and of course you can post on here :) Anyway you 'get it all out' is gonna help as bottling stuff up will make things worse (trust me!).

    As for the debt, dont worry about that right now....I owe over £12,000 and I left uni 6 years ago! (Just out of interest I just converted that to US dollars on a website and it's about $25,000!!!)

    I think you are doing all the right things but I know it must be hard for you.

    As for the breaking up thing....why dont you write a letter with all your thoughts and feelings....you can either give it to your boyfriend to read or use it kinda like notes when talking to him so you know what to say and dont lose track. You have to try and stay strong. Break ups are always hard but sometimes they are for the best and it sounds like you realise that this is the best course of action in this instance. Getting the courage up is hard too but you just have to focus and take the plunge...I'm sure it wont be as bad or scary as you think it will (the anxiety and pondering tension beforehand are far worse IMO)

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