I know this sounds confusing, but what exactly defines "suicidal thoughts" or "tendencies"? Every program I've been to, every commercial, every seminar tells me what defines someone as suicidal, and I'm miserable, but I can't figure out what exactly I am. I don't want to kill myself. That won't solve anything. If anything, it will make things more difficult for everyone else. All I have right now is debt, and my life insurance won't pay in event of a suicide. I could never drop my college loans onto my parents and grandparents (my cosigners). Supposedly, someone thinking of committing suicide wants to get their affairs in order, but do thoughts like these constitute that? I'm listless, I have no enthusiasm, and I can't even force myself to do the most basic work anymore. I'm still passionate about what I study, but I'm so far behind in work now, because I can't bring myself to even read the text. I sat today and stared at my work, screwed around, and got absolutely nothing done in 7 hours of free time. I have a report that was due last tuesday, a research proposal due tomorrow, and several assignments due (some of which are overdue) in a class tomorrow. I feel worthless, and I'm beginning to believe I don't want to feel any better, because if I'm happy and content, but still can't do work, that it's because I'm stupid or lazy, and not because I'm absolutely miserable. I'm also in a bad relationship I can't seem to end, because I'm terrified of hurting my boyfriend. He's been one of my best friends since I came out of the closet, and I don't think I could handle losing him, but by drawing out a relationship I know is going to fail, I'm running the risk of alienating him. I've always had weird "thoughts". How I could finish it and no one would notice. Things like that. But, I've also always felt like it was a dumb idea. Ending things doesn't make it better, it just makes the problems go away. It makes everything go away. And I still feel that way; I doubt I could ever kill myself. But today, as I sat feeling worthless, the only other thing I could think about was how I could make it all go away. I live in an apartment 40 miles away from my parents' house, but if I go there, I know exactly where the knives are. I know where the handguns and ammunition are. But I just can't seem to sort through everything I'm feeling. I'm currently speaking to a school psychologist, but as the end of the semester draws nearer, the schedule gets tighter and tighter, and my appointments are more stretched out. I just feel like I need someone to talk to, and I found myself steered here as a result. Does anyone understand how I feel?