What depression means to me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leiaha, Jan 18, 2009.

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  1. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I am Depressed with a capital "D" and few people know it. That's becos I am ashamed of it :sad:

    People either think that Depression is a mental illness and that consequently I am a total nutter who has to be spoken to very slowly and I am better avoided completely. Or, more often they think that there is no such thing as Depression, other than a vague neurotic concept :dry: That it's just an updated version of "suffering from her nerves" whuch everybody knows translates as "she feels sorry for herself for no good reason". That I'm merely indulging myself, wallowing in angst that is well past it's sell by date. And, all I have to do is "pull myself together" and, "snap out of it" and, "get a hobby" :rolleyes:

    I can understand that attitude becos, everyone gets down sometimes. It's part of being alive, part of the deal, sunshine and headaches. People get 'depressed' about a bad day at work, not feeling well, about arguments and not being to afford luxuries and on and on... and, they feel miserable about them.

    I know all that but, the Depression that I and many others suffer from isn't just an occasional bout of the blues or the after effect of a bad day. Those are mere child's play compared to the savage black killer demons that descend on me fairly often to play crucifixion with my head. Mine is no ordinary Depression, oh no, mine is the super, de luxe, top of the range, no-expense-spared version. :depressed:

    None of it is immediately obvious on first meeting me. I'm not miserable ALL the time, in fact, sometimes I am bright and personable and, even entertaining! An impromptu guest appearance of the real me :dance: And even when I feel dreadful, I try very hard to act as tho I don't. It's only when things get so desperate that I can't conceal it any longer, that I act on it.

    This is where I am at the present time :cry: It's horrendous, I feel as tho I am personally in touch with every ounce of grief in the world, I have an internet of sorrow in my head :nerves: I feel like every atom of sorrow that has ever existed is being channelled through me before being parcelled up and transported on to outlying areas. Like I am being used as a kind of centralised misery depot. :cry:

    Sometimes I feel better, not happy or anything like that. I still feel doomed and that the future is a vast wasteland of bleak greyness but, that it might not hurt to get up and watch a little TV or paint or sing....... It never lasts too long but it happens.

    I know I'm not the only one to feel this way but no matter how many others feel the same... I dont want to live this way. I have spent all weekend trying to surface. I have everything around me that I need to die. I cant get past this doom and gloom that is my life. I have tried so much my head hurts. My thoughts are playing tag with each other and I cant hold onto any one of them long enough...... always out of reach :blub: I can't stand it much longer.
    I need help :sad:

    I just wanted to write my thoughts and feelings down. Lea xx
  2. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Lea, Depression is not something to be ashamed about and in no way does it make anyone a nutter. Infact I would say that anyone who can survive depression should be proud of themselves. Each day I give myself a pat on the back for managing to stay safe. Especially on those really black days. To manage to carry on even when things get that bad shows real strength. The mask we wear in public is so hard to keep on at times and I find it such a relief to be able to come here and talk to people without the need for the mask. Please don't lose hope that things can improve. It's no easy journey but nobody knows what the future holds.:hug:
  3. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Yeah I know but it's just so hard at the moment.

    Lea :hug:
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Massive :hug: hun,

    I can so relate to your post. I too am ashamed of my depression, everyone says it's an illness just like epilepsy or diabetes but it's very hard to understand unless you have experienced depression.

    It took me 2 years to admit to my employer that I suffered from depression, to which her response was 'how can you be depressed, you're my best worker'. That was in September, her attitude has improved but there are some days I regret telling them & to be honest I only admitted it because I couldn't cover my absences anymore, but by telling them they have said I'm likely to be covered under DDA, therefore they will tolerate a higher than 'normal' sick absence rate. Even though work know, I still can't face telling my family or friends, I feel like my life is a sham, a big secret cover up.

    I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom or anything like that to make you feel better but sometimes it's just nice to know you're not alone in how you are feeling.

    I know you were on Zispin last, but have you considered going back to the GP & asking for something else?

    If you ever want to PM me hun, I'll be here for you.

    Take care, Claire xx
  5. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    I know how it can get and I'm sorry you are having it so tough at the moment. :hug:
  6. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    dont know what to say regarding telling your family becos I don't know them. I was advised to tell mine becos apparently it would make it easier for me and give me extra support. So I told them and everyone of them disowned me. They not only said I was a disgrace and an embarassment but my sisters kept sending me abusive texts also. I ended up having a total breakdown and spending 7 weeks in the psych unit. That still didn't stop them :mad:

    I'm not at all saying yours would do the same thing. I'm just saying if I could go back, I wouldnt do it this time. Ignorance is bliss :)

    Lea :hug:
  7. Mandy1

    Mandy1 Antiquities Friend & Senior Member

    im sorry your having a tougth time,just hang on in there,theres alot of support here for you,and understanding.please take care,thinking of you
  8. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    hey leia.. that is probably one of the best descriptions of depression i have ever heard.. i totally relate to the feeling all the worlds pain, i always described it as having no skin. ssri antideps helped me ( i took sertraline ) but i have had to come off them..
    you are eloquent. do you write? that description is what the general public need to hear esp the ones who think people should just snap out if it.

    sam xx
  9. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    ty sam, yes i do write a lot, everyday actually :shy: I keep a journal, kind of like a diary combined with an autobiography and a textbook of feelings. When i cant speak about it to doc etc I let them read how i feel instead. It helps to write it all down. :(

    Lea :hug:
  10. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    you should write a book... to enlighten the stupid people who don't understand xx
  11. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    God no, they would lock me up and throw away the key after reading it! I told my family they can read my journals (15 of them) and publish after I'm dead :)

    Lea :hug:
  12. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    thats when you get a ghost writer in.. or an anon publishing deal ;)
  13. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    i read your journals... i know they help me. I also write my own... helps me relieve a lot of pain....

  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Lea,
    Sorry for the late reply I have been out of it for the last couple of days and only able to reply to so many before my mind and thoughts get all garbled up.
    I think you did a very good job writing your thread. You really put alot of emotion in it. I had my daughter and grandaughter move down here and they stayed with us for four months and all she did was tell me to quit taking my meds and get a job. This coming from miss normal who sleeps until1:00 or 2:00 evryday and lays around the rest of the day. I took her to my therapist for one visit and the next time I went my therapist said she is major depressed and needs help. She picked up on that just from one visit.
    According to my daughter shes not depressed. She told my sister that all he does is just lay there in bed everyday all day long. My sister tried to explain how depression does that to you but she just couldn't comprehend it. She also told her if I was off my meds I would be dead right now. I don't just lie there I spend alot of time on my computer. It is the only thing I have left that keeps me faily sane. Well I hope you feel better soon and we are here for you anytime!!!~Joseph~
  15. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Thanks Joseph, I just wrote from my heart :shy:

    Yes I understand peoples reactions. If you have never suffered true depression, you cant understand it. I think the very word 'depression' is dramatically overused by the majority of people to describe the blues or even Just being fed up! In those cases it is possible most of the time to "just snap out of it" or "pull yourself together". :rolleyes:

    It sounds like your daughter is in denial and I'm afraid that there's not much you or anyone else can do for her until she admits it to herself :( Another thing is, if she does admit it she will have to acknowledge that you have been speaking the truth all this time :) I'm glad you have the support of your sister :)

    I feel slightly better today I think, although I still feel crushed and weighed down as if a giant has his hand on my head, pushing me into the dirt! But, at least it seems to have eased off a little.

    Lost43215, keep writing cos it does help a lot to organise your thoughts and feelings. I am quite often totally amazed when i read what others write because it describes me perfectly. That always throw me becos no matter how much people tell me my thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal for depression, I still never believe it :)

    Lea :grouphug:
  16. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Lea,

    Thank you for writing this thread! I get so down sometimes about the mere fact that I have major depression, and it feels like sometimes I don't want to get better.. That if I wanted to get better, I would be there by now.. Your thread has put everything in perspective once again.

    I absolutely hate the perception that depression is just a state of mind. That you can cease to be depressed by making a mindshift.. That you can wake up one morning and think "Hey, you know what.. This is silly.. From now on I'm going to be happy!" and then everything is better.. I mean, come on.. Comments like "Cheer up!" "Be positive" "Try to think happy thoughts" "Don't be so negative" are totally useless for the depressed person!

    The thing is that people that haven't experienced depression before will never truly understand. I think where we sometimes go wrong is that we listen to all these people's comments and think "Wow they seem confident, so this must be true.. ". It's hard to remind yourself time and again that depression is a real sickness, and not a emotional tantrem you throw whenever you don't feel well..

    As I'm writing this, I have a moment of clarity, but I know that when tomorrow comes, that clarity would have gone, and I will be doubting myself all over again.. That is probably the biggest hurdle for me on my road to recovery - The Absolute Lack of Consistency. I can feel 100% certain about what I need to do, and how I need to do it to get better, and a few hours later I think its the most ridiculous thing I ever thought. It changes that rapidly! It's why I can relate to the feeling of not being able to be able to hold on to your thoughts.. I mean, even this post turned out differently than what I originally meant, so if it doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.. Just can't seem to express myself the way I want to I guess..

    Anyway, there's my 2 cents worth. Hope you can find it in yourself to continue the battle! And if you think you can't, just keep posting here or keep writing in your journal. That always seems to keep me going for just a little while longer. And again thank you for a wonderful post! Really made my day.

    Max :night:
  17. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    hi max, I'm glad you got something out of my thread :)

    I often start a thread about one subject and end up going off completely on a tangent. My threads never end up as they are meant to :laugh: I have now started writing them out on paper so i just copy them out and don't lose focus :)

    Self doubt is my major hurdle too. I am the doubt queen! I doubt everything about myself, every waking moment of every day :unsure:

    Keep your chin up and join me in the battle :)

    Lea :hug:
  18. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I feel soooo bad today :cry: just can't seem to pick myself up at all :depressed: it's overwhelming, wish i wasnt here anymore!

    never mind, it doesn't matter :(

    Lea x
  19. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    I feel the same :biggrin: I don't have any energy to do anything... :depressed:

    I'm listening to this song, its helping a bit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Lx1vGCVSkI&feature=channel_page
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