I am Depressed with a capital "D" and few people know it. That's becos I am ashamed of it :sad:
People either think that Depression is a mental illness and that consequently I am a total nutter who has to be spoken to very slowly and I am better avoided completely. Or, more often they think that there is no such thing as Depression, other than a vague neurotic concept :dry: That it's just an updated version of "suffering from her nerves" whuch everybody knows translates as "she feels sorry for herself for no good reason". That I'm merely indulging myself, wallowing in angst that is well past it's sell by date. And, all I have to do is "pull myself together" and, "snap out of it" and, "get a hobby" :rolleyes:
I can understand that attitude becos, everyone gets down sometimes. It's part of being alive, part of the deal, sunshine and headaches. People get 'depressed' about a bad day at work, not feeling well, about arguments and not being to afford luxuries and on and on... and, they feel miserable about them.
I know all that but, the Depression that I and many others suffer from isn't just an occasional bout of the blues or the after effect of a bad day. Those are mere child's play compared to the savage black killer demons that descend on me fairly often to play crucifixion with my head. Mine is no ordinary Depression, oh no, mine is the super, de luxe, top of the range, no-expense-spared version. :depressed:
None of it is immediately obvious on first meeting me. I'm not miserable ALL the time, in fact, sometimes I am bright and personable and, even entertaining! An impromptu guest appearance of the real me :dance: And even when I feel dreadful, I try very hard to act as tho I don't. It's only when things get so desperate that I can't conceal it any longer, that I act on it.
This is where I am at the present time :cry: It's horrendous, I feel as tho I am personally in touch with every ounce of grief in the world, I have an internet of sorrow in my head :nerves: I feel like every atom of sorrow that has ever existed is being channelled through me before being parcelled up and transported on to outlying areas. Like I am being used as a kind of centralised misery depot. :cry:
Sometimes I feel better, not happy or anything like that. I still feel doomed and that the future is a vast wasteland of bleak greyness but, that it might not hurt to get up and watch a little TV or paint or sing....... It never lasts too long but it happens.
I know I'm not the only one to feel this way but no matter how many others feel the same... I dont want to live this way. I have spent all weekend trying to surface. I have everything around me that I need to die. I cant get past this doom and gloom that is my life. I have tried so much my head hurts. My thoughts are playing tag with each other and I cant hold onto any one of them long enough...... always out of reach :blub: I can't stand it much longer.
I need help :sad:
I just wanted to write my thoughts and feelings down. Lea xx
People either think that Depression is a mental illness and that consequently I am a total nutter who has to be spoken to very slowly and I am better avoided completely. Or, more often they think that there is no such thing as Depression, other than a vague neurotic concept :dry: That it's just an updated version of "suffering from her nerves" whuch everybody knows translates as "she feels sorry for herself for no good reason". That I'm merely indulging myself, wallowing in angst that is well past it's sell by date. And, all I have to do is "pull myself together" and, "snap out of it" and, "get a hobby" :rolleyes:
I can understand that attitude becos, everyone gets down sometimes. It's part of being alive, part of the deal, sunshine and headaches. People get 'depressed' about a bad day at work, not feeling well, about arguments and not being to afford luxuries and on and on... and, they feel miserable about them.
I know all that but, the Depression that I and many others suffer from isn't just an occasional bout of the blues or the after effect of a bad day. Those are mere child's play compared to the savage black killer demons that descend on me fairly often to play crucifixion with my head. Mine is no ordinary Depression, oh no, mine is the super, de luxe, top of the range, no-expense-spared version. :depressed:
None of it is immediately obvious on first meeting me. I'm not miserable ALL the time, in fact, sometimes I am bright and personable and, even entertaining! An impromptu guest appearance of the real me :dance: And even when I feel dreadful, I try very hard to act as tho I don't. It's only when things get so desperate that I can't conceal it any longer, that I act on it.
This is where I am at the present time :cry: It's horrendous, I feel as tho I am personally in touch with every ounce of grief in the world, I have an internet of sorrow in my head :nerves: I feel like every atom of sorrow that has ever existed is being channelled through me before being parcelled up and transported on to outlying areas. Like I am being used as a kind of centralised misery depot. :cry:
Sometimes I feel better, not happy or anything like that. I still feel doomed and that the future is a vast wasteland of bleak greyness but, that it might not hurt to get up and watch a little TV or paint or sing....... It never lasts too long but it happens.
I know I'm not the only one to feel this way but no matter how many others feel the same... I dont want to live this way. I have spent all weekend trying to surface. I have everything around me that I need to die. I cant get past this doom and gloom that is my life. I have tried so much my head hurts. My thoughts are playing tag with each other and I cant hold onto any one of them long enough...... always out of reach :blub: I can't stand it much longer.
I need help :sad:
I just wanted to write my thoughts and feelings down. Lea xx