What Did I do So Wrong???

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Aiming For Eunoia, May 20, 2016.

  1. Aiming For Eunoia

    Aiming For Eunoia New Member

    I am so tired. I can't take any more pain. I don't understand why I am so unlovable. I try so hard to ignore these feelings but it goes on and on and on.
    I just think everything would be better if I didn't exist - the pain would go away and I wouldn't be bothering people anymore. I know how selfish it is to take your own life; there are others who would give anything to not die and I know people will say what about your family and friends, how will it make them feel?
    My life doesn't make a difference to anyone. My boyfriend who is schizophrenic doesn't love me and shows me indifference when I try to talk to him. I don't know if it's because of his illness or whether it's actually his true feelings so I keep trying to save the relationship.
    I feel so alone and isolated. Although as I write this my cat has come to comfort me as he heard me crying.
    I have anxiety and have battled depression since I was a teen but never acted on my suicidal thoughts. I just feel like history is repeating itself and I'm trapped in my head.
    Everything I do or say is wrong. I don't understand why when I try to be postive the world reacts negatively to me.
    I have struggled with thoughts of not being good enough and I know I mentally make strikes against this whenever something bad happens. I think I should never have been born. That I just cause chaos and heartache for people no matter how good my intentions are.
    I just feel like the pain is eating me alive. It hurts so much that the one person I consider my soul mate doesn't want to listen to me.
    I dont know if I can take much more :( :( :( :( :( :(
    I'm just so tired. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up!
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi honey, I can relate to much of your thoughts. Have you asked your partner out right what his feelings are? I am glad you have your cat from comfort, it;s the little things in life that can make all the difference. I'm sorry you feel that everything is reacting negatively to you. Maybe you are misinterpreting these thoughts or they are loud and clear and you need to talk to someone about the reality of them and the impact they are having on you. I just want to say I am really sorry you are going through all of this. I care, I promise you I do care, you are brave for reaching out, keep that in mind and also, welcome to SF.