I am so tired. I can't take any more pain. I don't understand why I am so unlovable. I try so hard to ignore these feelings but it goes on and on and on. I just think everything would be better if I didn't exist - the pain would go away and I wouldn't be bothering people anymore. I know how selfish it is to take your own life; there are others who would give anything to not die and I know people will say what about your family and friends, how will it make them feel? My life doesn't make a difference to anyone. My boyfriend who is schizophrenic doesn't love me and shows me indifference when I try to talk to him. I don't know if it's because of his illness or whether it's actually his true feelings so I keep trying to save the relationship. I feel so alone and isolated. Although as I write this my cat has come to comfort me as he heard me crying. I have anxiety and have battled depression since I was a teen but never acted on my suicidal thoughts. I just feel like history is repeating itself and I'm trapped in my head. Everything I do or say is wrong. I don't understand why when I try to be postive the world reacts negatively to me. I have struggled with thoughts of not being good enough and I know I mentally make strikes against this whenever something bad happens. I think I should never have been born. That I just cause chaos and heartache for people no matter how good my intentions are. I just feel like the pain is eating me alive. It hurts so much that the one person I consider my soul mate doesn't want to listen to me. I dont know if I can take much more I'm just so tired. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up!