What did I do to deserve this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tiredoflosing, Nov 20, 2013.

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  1. tiredoflosing

    tiredoflosing New Member

    I find myself, again, in an unwinnable situation. I am trapped in an abusive relationship. I have no money or job to leave. I have a kid and a dog that I can't leave, but I can't take it any more. I'm tired of being poor. I could get a crappy job, but I'd have to quit school to do that and I'll never afford to pay off my loans. My kid's dad (ex) stole my identity years back. He took every dime I had and stole my credit. I was left destitute and pregnant. I can't afford bankruptcy. I can't pay "my" old bills, let alone any new ones.That's how I wound up trapped with this guy. I'm raising his kids, but he is an alcoholic with mental health problems. He counters everything I try to teach his kids with negative behavior. They show me little to no respect. They lie, steal and the oldest gets into trouble at school all the time. They are becoming as deceitful and manipulative as he is. I'd go to another homeless shelter, but I can't leave my dog behind. I know he'll kill her. He won't allow me any money to get clothes, tampons, food on campus (there's not much here to eat. He refuses to buy healthy food and allows the kids to eat over processed junk food almost solely, which contributes to their bad behavior.). I am not allowed to talk to certain friends. He reads my texts and emails and if he sees something he doesn't like, I get shit for months to follow. I haven't seen my family in years. He threatens to shut off my phone (the only thing he does provide aside from this roof over my head). I need it to keep up with my studies and campus groups. He constantly tells me how I treat him terribly. How I lie and it's all my fault that he's a miserable drunk. He refuses to acknowledge the torture he put me through that got me to the point of trying to avoid him at all costs. He is obsessed with the paranoia that I'm having an affair (he realizes he treats me like shit and I deserve better?) I have not one thin dime to leave. I can't finish school and work and take care of my kid. I don't want to hurt my kid, but I can't see anyway out of this. I've been destitute for years. I've been on welfare and have lived in a few homeless shelters. I know if I could take my dog, I'd go back just for a chance to get my life back. But, I can't find a good home for her. I just can't find a way out. I've been hanging on for years, waiting until I graduate and find a job to leave. I don't think I can ever find a job that will pay enough to repair my credit and get out of debt while living on my own. His behavior is distracting me from my school work. I can't focus. My grades are going down. If not for my kid, I'd be dead right now. On the same coin, if I didn't have this wonderful child, I'd not be in this situation. I've lost my independence. I've lost my identity. I've lost my dignity. All I have is my kid and my dog and I'm incapable of taking care of them. I have lost all hope of every feeling happy, loved or safe again.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I wish you and your child could not goto homeless shelter but to a womens shelter one where they will help you get back on feet and get control of your life YOUR life again
    Your dog may have to be put up for adoption if you are afraid he will harm it and then you and your child go to a womens shelter ok be the best way to get help for you to start over.
    they will help you as they have helped many women in abusive situations hugs
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi, He is keeping you prisoner by control and abuse. That is not as uncommon as you might think. Women can rebuld their lives after being with such a man. But I agree with total eclipse, a women's shelter is the place to call.. If you have no luck with that,. please call United way if you live in the US. Explain your circumstances. Let them suggest an agency for you to contact. Or a course of action. You need to be protected. There are places that can do that. Please be clear when you call united way or the shelter that you need a safe place where you and your children can be protected. And that you need help for your dog as well.

    Please continue to post here. Be careful, as you know. Again, I want you to know that many women in your circumstances have rebuilt their lives. Regained their financial and emotional well being. Finally, to answer the question on your subject line, you did absolutly nothing to deserve this. But you do deserve safety for you and your child. and help putting your lives back together. If you need more ideas, I have more. eg go to Al-anon and tell them your circumstances. Someone there should be able to help you get to safety. But try phoning womens help line first. Or united way. Please be as honest as you can be.

    And again, keep posting here, please
  4. RhythmPassion

    RhythmPassion Member

    Somewhere along the line this man permanently lost control of his own life and decided to dictate someone else's. He took advantage of the fact that women are biologically built and psychologically programmed to permanently protect their children. By having kids with you and knowing you won't just up and leave the kids to save yourself, his position is locked in. Your machine is controlling you by releasing chemicals causing extreme fear forcing you to abandon your own well being for the sake of your child's. We are vessels of life after all, and now you're sole programmed existence is to make sure your childs life succeeds beyond your own. We've all heard that any parent would give their life for their child. Yeah, because you are programmed to. Most don't realize that the child they created didn't only come from them. There is a counter-part involved, and his genetic contribution might be a complete failure rendering "your" child or children a lost cause.

    So what does this mean? It means you are going to have to ignore that itch and not scratch it, so to speak. You are going to have to do the hardest thing ever, and that is to go against what your "feelings" tell you to do and stick to a "by-the-book" procedure that you will create that will act as your base when your emotions come over you. You might instantly think "I can't do that". That is, again, your machine trying to edit out any unsavory options that goes against what it has planned for you. To put it rough, you have to logically evolve away from your cavewoman DNA.

    How you are going to do this is something only you can answer because you are the only one that is aware of all the things you are capable of.
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