I know I haven't really shared very much about my past or talked about myself too much personally minus the physical problems that I deal with. I haven't had the guts to talk about the rest of it here. Unfortunately I can't start today. What I can say is, I've been suicidal for a good deal of my life. I have been depressed and full of self hate since I can remember. I'm an introvert and I don't talk about how things have an actual effect on me, just that they happened when I have talked and usually just as a reassurance to someone else that I have survived it and they can too. I've never openly admitted that anything from my past has actually made an impact to the person I am. I'm starting to do that. I have appointments with therapist/psychiatrist and a live person to keep me accountable. Every time in the past that I have gotten this bad I have not handled it very well. Its happened a lot. So without further ado, I will list everything I didn't do this time, for the first time. I didn't stay silent. I didn't cut myself. I didn't stab myself. I didn't alienate myself. I didn't rip up, gesso, throw away or generally destroy any of my drawings, sketches or paintings. I didn't even touch any of the means to kill myself. (leaving that vague on purpose) I have on the other hand, I did tell someone. I did make a phone call when I was panicked. Yeah I've felt floods of shame and guilt. I have felt disgust and all sorts of other negative things, but it becomes less, and those things don't feel nearly has bad as not talking period. I'm not ok yet, but I'm working on being ok. I actively want to be ok, so I am actively trying.