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What do humans have that I lack?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Obsessive, Sep 7, 2013.

  1. Obsessive

    Obsessive Well-Known Member

    Since I was young I could see the mile-wide discrepancy between human functioning and my own. Regardless of their level of functioning they've each displayed shared patterns of behavior, knowledge, and understanding, as well as an intricate common logic which governs their cognitive faculties. I've only been ever able to imitate their most basic of cognition such as error detection. I can detect flaws in things the way humans can, but I can't evaluate them. The aggregate of what I can find in myself is overwhelming, and I can't take steps to correct any without the proper hardware or even a blueprint of healthy cognition to cross-check against. Anything I produce suffers in kind, although I can usually fix it through both trial and error and imitating the logic of others. Regardless employing the logic of others to keep my own faculties in check is taxing. Being human is not something that comes naturally to me.

    Beauty is a foreign concept. A mountain just looks like a mountain to me - nothing more. It doesn't mean anything.

    No learning of any sort seems to happen beyond imitation. Information which would normally be relevant to humans such as maps, directions, measurements, etc. is completely useless to me. Personal development only extends to what I can copy.

    My behavior is unmalleable and will follow the same scripting regardless of how change or circumstances render it maladaptive or downright embarrassing.

    I'm barely in reality at any given time due to a permanent dissociative state. Online worlds feel more real to me as the real world is far too complex for my weak mind to process.

    All noise seems to blend together as to be incomprehensible such that any background noise can make communication outright impossible. Due to such processing problems I usually can't "hear" a message, but merely piecemeal it together through tone and key words. My other senses are just as haywire as I can't eat mixed food such as club sandwiches, feel pain from rubbing certain surfaces, and don't properly perceive distance.

    Those who know me IRL promptly treat me as either an idiot or a child. I know very little, and demonstrate this quite often. I don't have a knack for extensive information gathering the way humans do and have no idea how they even manage it.

    When I write through a lengthy and tedious process of extended trial and error I am regarded as some intellectual giant despite my text being no more eloquent than that of anyone else. It's a recurring theme that people will come away with the sense of having learned something from anything I write, yet be completely unable to specify what or even demonstrate any newfound understanding. It seems that I've copied a style of writing in which humans will expect meaning and thus ascribe it themselves when there is none.

    I am completely unable to multitask, yet this seems to be another baseline skill for humans. I can't make sense of how socialization is supposed to even work as it seems to require an extensive information base, a rapid response formulation, and strong listening skills all working in perfect tandem to not only convey a message, but to translate personal experience and emotion into something relevant to a target.

    I feel no pleasure, only addiction. Anything which could even resemble a hobby throughout my lifetime I've only engaged in because of how it stimulates an insatiable and childish aspect of my psyche.

    For years I've scoured the corners of the internet in search of a similar creature to no avail. At this point I'm convinced that what I suffer isn't some disability or illness, but the fact that my own nature is in conflict with the identity ingrained in me. Everything that I am is antithetical to what it means to be human. Words fail to convey how human experience starkly contrasts mine such that all communication requires lying, all conduct requires acting, and all knowledge requires the mere pretense and uncritical acceptance thereof. This world gnaws at my mind as I struggle to make sense of anything. Indeed, it seems a hallmark of humanity is the ability of the mind to weave a narrative which both renders absolute knowledge superfluous and makes it possible to experience reality through a comfortable formulated model. It feels that the only way I can ever hope to achieve a human's functioning is to copy it from another who had to acquire it. The problem is the animal I seek may be entirely mythical. Perhaps the most frustrating part of all this is how those with what I seek are the least equipped to offer any assistance. Humans are so adaptive by nature that they take everything for granted. Being born with humanity they can't comprehend what it is to go without, and the irrationality rooted in their rational functioning turns any perspective they have to offer on the subject into nothing more than a narrative carved to fill a niche in a worldview.

    I'm not sure why I wrote this or what I could stand to gain from this, but I'm miserable, angry, and wish I could understand what key elements of humanity I'm missing. A human is a creature that develops, grows, adapts, bonds, learns. I do not.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I can read how much pain you are in. Although I am sure the pain exceeds the actual level that words can convey. You write about humans as if you think you are not one. Do you believe you are not human? If you do, thats okay. I would never judge you for that. I think it is so hard to not fit in to the "norm".
  3. Obsessive

    Obsessive Well-Known Member

    I've always wanted to believe that I was although I saw no truth in it. I don't speak merely of being an outcast; there's a common thread to the logic humans employ in order to not only function, but make life meaningful. The human experience is far broader than the individual such that, for example, the life-affirming lies of one can be fully understood and utilized by others. This "culture" characteristic of humanity goes far beyond the faculty of reason - it is itself a living thing, a flowing collective narrative imposed on reality. When used to proper effect this logic abrogates the need for absolute certainty, makes passion and emotional connection possible, and calibrates the senses to the environment. Those with full access to the cognitive faculties which define the human mind are granted this logic by default. I was able to copy small portions of it and incorporate it into my own, but it needs to be complete in order to be in any way beneficial. All having the knowledge I do accomplishes is to drive complete self-alienation. My mind accrues with errors trying to process a foreign logic. It gives me a glimpse into the mindsets of those geared to process it. Having a strong idea of how the human mind works compared to mine essentially renders any claim to humanity on my part nothing less than deceit.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    that does sound very painful indeed. Feeling so separate from others. I am sorry this is how it is for you. Do you think that working with a therapist might help? I know that so many people here do work with therapists. I certainly have.
  5. Obsessive

    Obsessive Well-Known Member

    I've already seen nine or so. Last one I recently moved away from with my parents. Insurance will cover phone sessions with him for couple months, then that's it. It probably doesn't even pay to find a new one. He was the only decent one who actually listened to what I had to say rather than frame all my problems under a single arbitrary diagnosis or force fit all my issues to stem from one thing in particular (there are more expert opinions then there are heads). Even so he had nothing to offer beyond empty assurance of how someday gene therapy will cure me. Right - we already have technology which makes it possible to feel pleasure at the push of a button that will never see the light of day due to the fear and unease surrounding it, yet something which dramatically changes the core of your very being will go over just fine, I'm sure. And while I'm awaiting this miracle he tasks me with imitating human capability on the lowest level possible as though, for example, cheating the school system's easiest throwaway courses through their lazy online setup will somehow make it possible for me to learn or even have a chance at a degree, or driving to the food store 5 minutes away will make it possible for me to understand how humans find stuff and process all these directions and rules. To say that my mind functions on a child's level would be wishful thinking.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am curious what you mean when you talk about these things. Can you be more specific what this is? What is the technology that makes it possible to feel pleasure at the push of a button? And what is it that dramatically changes the core of someones very being?
  7. Obsessive

    Obsessive Well-Known Member


    And gene therapy is a form of genetic engineering. To "cure" a broken mind in this manner would be far more invasive than a few electrodes, and its effects far more significant and lasting.