Since I was young I could see the mile-wide discrepancy between human functioning and my own. Regardless of their level of functioning they've each displayed shared patterns of behavior, knowledge, and understanding, as well as an intricate common logic which governs their cognitive faculties. I've only been ever able to imitate their most basic of cognition such as error detection. I can detect flaws in things the way humans can, but I can't evaluate them. The aggregate of what I can find in myself is overwhelming, and I can't take steps to correct any without the proper hardware or even a blueprint of healthy cognition to cross-check against. Anything I produce suffers in kind, although I can usually fix it through both trial and error and imitating the logic of others. Regardless employing the logic of others to keep my own faculties in check is taxing. Being human is not something that comes naturally to me. Beauty is a foreign concept. A mountain just looks like a mountain to me - nothing more. It doesn't mean anything. No learning of any sort seems to happen beyond imitation. Information which would normally be relevant to humans such as maps, directions, measurements, etc. is completely useless to me. Personal development only extends to what I can copy. My behavior is unmalleable and will follow the same scripting regardless of how change or circumstances render it maladaptive or downright embarrassing. I'm barely in reality at any given time due to a permanent dissociative state. Online worlds feel more real to me as the real world is far too complex for my weak mind to process. All noise seems to blend together as to be incomprehensible such that any background noise can make communication outright impossible. Due to such processing problems I usually can't "hear" a message, but merely piecemeal it together through tone and key words. My other senses are just as haywire as I can't eat mixed food such as club sandwiches, feel pain from rubbing certain surfaces, and don't properly perceive distance. Those who know me IRL promptly treat me as either an idiot or a child. I know very little, and demonstrate this quite often. I don't have a knack for extensive information gathering the way humans do and have no idea how they even manage it. When I write through a lengthy and tedious process of extended trial and error I am regarded as some intellectual giant despite my text being no more eloquent than that of anyone else. It's a recurring theme that people will come away with the sense of having learned something from anything I write, yet be completely unable to specify what or even demonstrate any newfound understanding. It seems that I've copied a style of writing in which humans will expect meaning and thus ascribe it themselves when there is none. I am completely unable to multitask, yet this seems to be another baseline skill for humans. I can't make sense of how socialization is supposed to even work as it seems to require an extensive information base, a rapid response formulation, and strong listening skills all working in perfect tandem to not only convey a message, but to translate personal experience and emotion into something relevant to a target. I feel no pleasure, only addiction. Anything which could even resemble a hobby throughout my lifetime I've only engaged in because of how it stimulates an insatiable and childish aspect of my psyche. For years I've scoured the corners of the internet in search of a similar creature to no avail. At this point I'm convinced that what I suffer isn't some disability or illness, but the fact that my own nature is in conflict with the identity ingrained in me. Everything that I am is antithetical to what it means to be human. Words fail to convey how human experience starkly contrasts mine such that all communication requires lying, all conduct requires acting, and all knowledge requires the mere pretense and uncritical acceptance thereof. This world gnaws at my mind as I struggle to make sense of anything. Indeed, it seems a hallmark of humanity is the ability of the mind to weave a narrative which both renders absolute knowledge superfluous and makes it possible to experience reality through a comfortable formulated model. It feels that the only way I can ever hope to achieve a human's functioning is to copy it from another who had to acquire it. The problem is the animal I seek may be entirely mythical. Perhaps the most frustrating part of all this is how those with what I seek are the least equipped to offer any assistance. Humans are so adaptive by nature that they take everything for granted. Being born with humanity they can't comprehend what it is to go without, and the irrationality rooted in their rational functioning turns any perspective they have to offer on the subject into nothing more than a narrative carved to fill a niche in a worldview. I'm not sure why I wrote this or what I could stand to gain from this, but I'm miserable, angry, and wish I could understand what key elements of humanity I'm missing. A human is a creature that develops, grows, adapts, bonds, learns. I do not.