**What Do I Do?** **Trig**

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marshmallow, Dec 13, 2006.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Sitting here wondering what to do ..... made a decision now im not so sure. Was a really good one but whatever.

    Feeling so damn sh*t, crying, wanting to burn.

    All i wanna do is sort this out and i can't, i can't sort out all the messed up things in my life and its f*cking killing me.

    I messed up things like this before, with another mate, completely stopped talking to me, exactly the same thing happened again and i swore to myself it wouldn't happen again, i swore to myself i would kill myself if it did so what do i do ...... keep my promise to myself or stay over the guilt that someone i care for said they would kill themselfs if i did, the thing is they can't even bare to talk to me. So what do i do ......

    I feel like im staying here for the one person who can't talk to me anymore, feeling guilt over them, over the way their feeling, the way i made them feel, which to be honest is the reason im so f*cked up recently ..... its pushing me to suicide and as much as i hate to say it ..... it may win ...... just can't anymore ..... i can't do it

    I wanna burn so badly ...... and i think i might ...... worse than ever before. You know i never thought anyone could talk me out of self harming, seems i was wrong, there was one person ......... but they can't do it anymore, no one else has been able to try talk me out of it, so guess that leaves one option left ......

    Surprised i managed 8 days, something pushed me over the edge and i flipped out, scratched my arm with a knife, then started heating, put it down then accidently put my palm on it, it hurt really bad and the person who i was on the phone to at the time heard how much it hurt, but apart of me liked the way it felt.

    A few seconds of self destructive actions take away how you feel for a bit. Is it worth it? Right now it seems damn worth it!

    Still feeling sick from the OD last night, my stomacs hurting pretty bad but hey that don't matter. Done the ODing before, started again last night, why not again ...... why not get addicted again and make it so it pushes me to the edge.

    Whatever i don't care about me anymore ...... i deserve this and recently has just proved that. Someone kill me please ..... do it for her and for everyone else ..... do it for my brother who made me feel shit all my life ..... its the best for everyone, believe me ..... just please let me go .....

    My knifes right next to me, my one for cutting and my one for burning. So tempted to just do it ........ might aswell ..... what the hell ..... todays been sh*t anyway.
  2. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Viks, I've felt like you do right now. It literally tears you apart inside when you think you've hurt someone you really care about doesn't it. And you know that by feeling so bad about yourself you're hurting them again, but you can't stop. I know how much it hurts mate... And I wish I could give you the answer to make it all stop, but I can't. Just believe me that you can get through this, just try to take a step back and give yourself time to heal. Forgive yourself hun. What's done is done. If you spend all your time feeling guilty about things you've done in the past you'll be blind to good things that happen and end up blaming yourself for messing up those things as well. I know you don't think anything good will ever happen to you again right now, but believe me cos I've been there. You're not a bad person, you're just hurting. And there's no shame in that. And you know harming isn't worth is, cos after the initial relief has passed you feel even worse, and you've just got one more thing to feel guilty about. Try not to hurt yourself hun, but if you do don't beat yourself up over it. This will pass hun :hug:
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Yeah it does hun :cry: its hurting REALLY bad and i can't do anything about it which is making it worse :cry:

    I feel i AM a bad person, i've allways felt like that and proberbly allways will, thats what i was made to believe and i do believe it. People say im not, yeah can read that but doesn't mean i believe it. I feel i have to be punished for what i did, how i hurt someone i care about. I NEED to be punished for that.

    I just wanna so badly :cry: so badly it unbelievable :cry: