what do i do when does it end

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by nicci4361, Dec 31, 2014.

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  1. nicci4361

    nicci4361 New Member

    Oh geez where do I start. I'm sitting here right now waiting to be strapped to a machine. I so don't want to do this. Everyone around me says your lucky this can keep you alive. Am I, for one thing they don't live in my body or know what it feels like until it happens to them .They didn't know how they would handle it. Dialysis has taken control over my life. I told myself in 2006 when I came out the hospital after 3 months of struggling to survive that I would not think or try to kill me ever again. Most patients who went through what I did, the type of surgery would not have lived through what happened or gotten out of the hospital as they told my family I would not. I took this as a sign that God wanted me here for a reason and that I needed to stop fighting him. From then on I took each day as a gift he gave me and moved forward never thinking about death till now. I keep asking myself what did I do to deserve what God has placed in my path. I know I went wrong somewhere but I can't put my hand on why. This is a sign that I should just let go. I can't live like this anymore. I won't sit with strangers day in and day out 3 days a week for 4 hours at a time. I have no time for me or family but I feel like I am so alone. People tell me I shouldn't feel as I do that I should be grateful but I don't.I have dropped so deep into this black hole that l don't have the energy to try to get out. The truth is I will be glad when this is over I am not able to live like this. I can't. I have a choice to live via this machine for the rest of my life or refuse treatment and wait for slow death in hospices care. I can't do either I don't want to suffer as I have been believe me but a slow death isn't gonna work. Dying on my terms by my hand is where I must go. I won't live like this anymore I hurt to much. I have no one to talk with or who cares. I fight this alone and my soul can't take any more heart break. I'm fighting something I can't see or touch. I know I am rambling, sorry I don't know what to do. Thanks for excepting me into your forum. Time is running out for me. Thank God this will soon be over. I have no energy and this machine each treatment feels like I am being drained of everything and I can't live this. God please forgive me........
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I can understand that you are suffering but life is important. You worrying about your health and that is fair enough. Please do not fret as you have joined a wonderful community which will get through this tough time. Like tormentedinside, I wish you a peaceful and safe new year.

    Keep posting here as we do care. Take care. X
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2015
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF, nicci. :hug:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HI Nicci dialysis can be very rough sometimes i hear you have you talked to your doctor and perhaps get on something for depression. Is your family able to come in and sit with you while dialysis is happening Just take one day time ok. ON the days off of dialysis do something then with your family something special

    Keep talking to us posting you will soon see you are not alone hugs
  5. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you're suffering, but glad that you found the forum.
  6. nicci4361

    nicci4361 New Member

    HEY, I am on antidepressants already (2) of them. My psychiatric doctor has changed one of my meds but nothing seems to help I try to take it one day at a time but I can't seem to pull out of this black area I am in. I just want all this to stop and for me to go to sleep and never awake again. I don't know how I'm going to get thru this especially when I just want t all this to end.
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