What do I do?!?!?!?!?!??!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Grant, Mar 26, 2009.

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  1. Grant

    Grant Active Member

    Okay, i've been suicidal for almost a year. I've been alone my whole life(I'm 14), and I didnt have my first best friend untill maybe a 9-11 months ago. I'm in high school now. And nothing changed. I made my first suicide attempt May 31st, 2008. I got up as high as was acceptable and jumped. apparently a couple stories isnt enough!!!! In fact, I came out barely scratched! And I tried landing on my head!!!!! But, after telling the doctors I fell out of a loft, they said that there was just a small fracture in the arm. I could barely walk for a week, but I'm good at ignoring pain. There was no indiction I had fallen other than the occasional limp, a wince, and the splint(glove that is kinda like a cast) on my right arm. The next day, I'm at someone's birthday party. Like there is no problem, as I hold back tears. I couldn't believe I wasn't strong enough to die. The people at the party decide to see a movie. We go to the theater....and I see my friend Katie there, along with Addison and Troy. Addison was the first person I told about the suicide, I texted him while at the doctors office. I abandonded the other kids to be with Katie. She looked at the cast, and just shook her head, grinning. She sighed, still smiling. She had no idea I tried to kill myself. I had told her I fell. We walked around the Theater area, watched some kids play hockey in a rink, then went to see that crappy Indiana Jones movie. In the theater, Addison sat between me and Katie, though I tried to get next to her. About 10 minutes in, fatigue overtook me. The anticipation of the suicide attempt coupled with pain left me without sleep for 4 days. I fell asleep. Apparently, Addison, because he liked Katie(or just wanted to get in her pants, can't tell), betrayed me and told her while I slept. I woke up to see her next to me, watching me. She was drinking my soda. "Its a little watered down", she said. We all walked out of the theater. I hugged her goodbye. I had a small suspicion Addison betrayed me. When she was gone, I made him confess. I texted Katie, and after a night of talking, we became best friends.

    But thats not all I want. I love Katie. Thats become more and more obvious since that night. I've gone to her when I've thought of attempting again, and she has talked me out of it. She knows I love her. She doesn't love me. But she promised she would never leave me. I've even sat through her making out with a strange boy for 2 hours, while I was in the seat next to her, holding back tears. I forgave her for that. The last time I saw her, i gave her my most prized possesion: my cross necklace. I said,"I want you to have this, so that you never feel alone, and know that I'm always here for you." On Febuary 9th, 2009, a couple weeks later, I decided I needed to die. I told her goodbye. I wanted her to be the only one who knew it would happen. She got mad thi=ough, and my mind diverted from my suicide, to making her happy. I do not understand why she was so mad at me. She said I was selfish and that I do not love her. She has refused to talk to me since. It has almost been 2 months, and I have desperately tried to reach her. I love her so much, but she won't believe me! Or LISTEN!!!!!

    So.....WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!:sad:
  2. derbygirl

    derbygirl Chat and Forum Buddy

    Hey hun,

    I dont mean to sound pessimistic, but there is very little you can do to change her perspective other than show her you love her through your behaviour and keep reassuring that you do , however, I can help you try to understand why she is behaving the way she is.

    Its very hard for people to understand why someone close to us whats to end their own life. They dont feel the intense feelings of helplessness, despair, depression, hopelessness etc, and not knowing what to do about it, whereby the only choice seems to be suicide. It is especially hard for teens to understand why their friends what to commit suicide. It is harder for people, especially teens, to be empathic of situations they havnt experienced themselves. Other reasons why people react in such a negative and unsupportive way when they discover someone they love has tried (or succeeded) to end their life is due to fear. The act of suicide can unleash insecurities about themselves..."why didnt I see what was wrong and stop this?" "do they really love me?" (which seems to be a thought of Katie's). It is likely that Katie is distancing herself from you because it would hurt too much if you were to try again and succeed. By becoming distant, she is protecting herself in a sense. Her behaviour could also be due to fear, she may be scared that youll try again and she cant stop you.
    The reasons behind Katie's reactions are very complex, she probably may not even understand why she is behaving the way she is; and it will be very hard to persuade her that you do love her. Suicide of loved a one is usually perceived as an act of abandonment.

    All you can do is try to communicate your feelings to Katie, and encourage her to do the same, which wont be easy, as you said she hasnt wanted to speak to you in 2 months. Theres truth in the saying "that time heals pain", this is what Katie needs: time. How much time is up to her. Give her time, but dont give up, even though it hurts like hell.

    I hope you can take something from what Ive said, or rather rambled-sleep deprivation has fried my brain.

    Take care, keep living, youre so young, with so much to offer the world.
    If you ever need to chat, i can give you my msn.

    Felix :hug:
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