What do I do?

I've been severely depressed for years now, now at the age of 19 I'm starting to believe it may not just be teenage drama... I suppose I never really had a golden childhood, due to my parents always fighting and me always locking myself in my bedroom due to the fear of my father killing my mother and I.. I went to counseling when I was 16, they said I was bipolar and had some severe anger issues.. I quit going.. after recently seeing a doctor again to seek some sort of help, they said I suffered from manic depression, some mood disorder and psychosis. I often think out my own suicide, more so than just sometimes. Ever since my ex of two years left me, I've just been trying to find some sort of reason as to why I'm even here. I've done no one any good lately, nor am I a fun person to be around. Lately I've been thinking about my ex a lot, after seeing her last night it has only made things worse again... I've been sitting in my dark room all day contemplating suicide, I even skipped work without giving them any reason so now I'm probably going to be without a job.. I'm in such a hole but have no clue on how to pull myself out of it. sometimes I'm good but when I'm down, I'm really down. I tried zoloft for just a week, but immediately quit taking it when I started becoming even more depressed.. One night I even ended up mutilating my arm with the knife I was left by my brother whom died about a month ago.. I sort of just blacked out and woke up like that. I just want to be happy but I feel like suicide is going to be the only way out. I feel like my days are becoming numbered.. what do I do? I have no clue.. anyone I talk to doesn't even understand, they say I'm just being a baby about everything but to be honest with ya, I don't chose to feel this way.. it just happens. I hate it, more than anything.

:lost:​

 

Hi mrd,

I'm sorry to hear you are having such an incredibly difficult time. Manic Depression and psychosis can be very difficult to manage on ones own, and medication can be a big help once you figure out the right one and the right dose. The thing is, to get the full effect of a med like zoloft you need to take it as prescribed for 4-6 weeks. Certain meds can backfire and increase suicidality, but if a romantic partner just broke up with you and grief from your brothers death is just hitting, its no wonder you would feel more depressed. It can be very VERY dangerous to take psych meds differently then how they are prescribed, so please please call the prescribing doctor as soon as possible to talk about what makes the most sense to do in terms of the meds.

I don't think you're being a baby- you're under a ton of stress and it makes sense that you're feeling overwhelmed. Therapy might really help you if you find a good therapist, so I would say to try to hold out on killing yourself at the very least until you've explored more treatment options. That doesn't mean staying alive is easy though. if you don't think you can make it through the night, a trip to the hospital might help. If you are admitted you will have more support during this difficult time- can get your meds straightened out, and get connected with some out patient treatment providers through referrals.

There are lots of ways to cope with these feelings, and although dying may seem alluring, it can be absolutely devastating to people who don't even know you not even to mention the effect on the people who do. Please remember that you are NOT alone. SF is here to help you cope, and there are resources online, on the phone, and in person that can help get you through. Please keep us updated on how you are doing and dont give up!

May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you be wise, safe, and protected. Peace be with you.
:console:
Megan

 

I sure do appreciate the quick response! I do plan on calling my doctor monday to get some sort of medication figured out... I've contemplated admitting myself many times but have no clue how I could afford it or even what my job would think. How does someone go about doing so though? Don't really think I'd need that right now... but night is still young. I just don't understand why it is so bad though right now. I'm really glad I stumbled upon this site and registered! Hope all is well with you also!

 

I can relate to all of this. I'm 21 and everything sucks. I just wished it got easier with time but I keep getting screwed over in life. I've only ever tried to be a gentleman but get treated like dirt by 99% of the population. Thankfully my girlfriend has broken the mould and is a world apart from everyone else.

 

I'm glad you've found a way to escape the misery through your girlfriend!

I just hope things will get better, I know we are both still young but sometimes it's hard to see a future through all the rain clouds, ya know?

 

I am so glad you found this website as well! Good thinking with calling your doctor on Monday. I don't know where you live- I am in the US so I am only familiar with my health care system, but here basically the best way to go would be to go to the ER and tell them you have been having thoughts about killing yourself as well as that you stopped taking medications and that you are unsure that you can be safe on your own. They would work with your insurance to find a hospital with a psychiatric unit that could properly accommodate you and utilizes your insurance after taking a blood and urine sample and your vital signs to make sure you are medically stable. I'll be on this website on and off for the next couple of hours, let me know if you want to talk in chat or please do go check it out for yourself if you're interested- lots of wonderful people in chat! Also, about what your job would think- it doesn't matter what your job would think if you're dead, so keep yourself alive and what ever they think is a better alternative to that. And if you don't live in the US there are probably other people on here who could explain to you what happens in your country.

Megan

 

Thanks. I knew my luck had to change at some point. She's 19 and is far easily the most wise person ever. I know what you mean mate, It's exceptionally tough not liking the youth of this generation as well.

 

I also live in the US and I'm covered through my mothers medical insurance which is pretty good.. My only concern is how much it's going to be. The last thing I need is an outstanding medical bill.. I may just speak with my doctor about being admitted and what would be the best route. My brother n law was recently admitted and he just got out a few days ago, it seemed to REALLY help him.. and that's what I want, help.. I'm tired of going at all of these emotions alone..

 

Just came on. Suicidal forever. Seems its getting closer with every war. Glad to see other survivors of suicidal crisis. I feel like a stinky bear, fat and brown, hated, have to die. And this is a good day.

Just wanted type something down today. Maybe later I'll participate.

 

I'm not going to lie, i don't have exact numbers but i know it can be incredibly expensive. I am lucky to have really good insurance that has covered my hospital stays. I fully support talking to your doctor. if you can't hold out until monday though- there is no shame in paging your doctor if they allow that, or just heading over to the ER or calling a hotline like 1800SUICIDE for some one to talk to and bounce ideas off of. Be well and like i said earlier- keep us updated!
Megan

 

Here in the UK we get free medical treatment yet I never seem to seek any. I have managed to very stupidly cope through my depression unaided. Get help if you need it. I won't preach what I teach, If I get ill again I'm heading straight to the quacks (cockney slang for doctors lol)