What Do I FREAKING WANT?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Apr 30, 2012.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    It has been one of those annoying days. Today has been the worst by far. I have been having, I guess you would call it an internal conflict within myself. The part of me that I thought I had killed and buried seems to be still alive and it is really pissing me off. I mean... why can't that annoying bit of hope that I had all those months ago die? That bit of me seems to just keep on living. No matter what I say to myself no matter what I do... it just keeps on going. I just hate it because it makes me feel hypocritical, which gives me even more incentive to die. I find myself reliving frustrations I have with either of my roommates. Their main problem is the fact that they do not put forth the effort to change or improve or anything. Then they get upset at their lack of results how they gain weight or how they cannot get a girl or how they cannot stick to a diet. At the end of the day they do not put forth a conscious effort to do anything. I know with my weight loss I put forth the effort. Then I get hit really hard in my eyes.

    Because I am running around telling them how much they suck because they have no dedication. Yet here I am saying I am just going to kill myself because there is no point. I am who I am and I was cursed with... well being a nothing and a loser. I find the most convient excuse, my genes and then run off. However, I am pretty sure that deep down I have not accepted it. That is why I have these moments. That is why I am still around at these places. I wonder if I really do want to get help. I can find any excuse not to get help. I do not know.. my mind is kind of floating... I have to deal with the roommate being whiny because I want to sleep, god forbid right?

    Anyway, I am not sure what I want to do. I know, in my heart, that one simple thing can fix me. That thing is sexual activity. Some may not have noticed me running around talking about how females are repulsed by me. However, right now that feels like it is a desperate attempt to escape responsibility. I mean I have met plenty of guys out there who live and die by certain methods. I read.. a chunk of the book. I have even read the blogs people have made. Where they start out similar to me. Then slowly over the next couple of months they break out and start getting what I want. I mean this product sells out weekend classes at $3000 a pop regularly and quickly. I mean the company holds an annual conference and sells out tickets that range anywhere from $1000 to $7000. Hell the forum is 1000 times more supportive than most forums I have been too. And that forum is supposed to be filled with scum... well by the standards of the other places I have gone too. Then again those other places have people who struggle just as much as me. Much like me they all do not know what to do and most are not willing to make the biggest sacrifice of all... change.

    I have noticed more and more and more change is a taboo word. I know that people fear change. Hell I feared it back when I started working out... but then change occurred and something positive happened. I was healthier... people noticed something positive... I do not know, change suddenly became evolution. Because regardless of how much time I spent at the gym I was still me at the core. I was not becoming someone new who would cause trouble and be.. I do not know feared.. My hobbies and interests all stayed the same. I enjoyed the rush and the feeling.. I do not know happy and accomplished... proud, confident... you know stuff like that. Stuff that I felt while I was having sex. I do not know... I am confused...

    I know that part of my fall came from stress. I was in a shitty job, I was job hunting, I was not sure where I was going to live. However, for a brief moment, once I had my new job I was relaxed... almost happy. Things were looking up. The stress of a crappy job and of getting rejected for jobs killed my hope. Right around my fall, as I will call it, was a REALLY stressful REALLY SHITTY time. My boss basically told me that I had received a negative label. I had to start job hunting. I was failing interviews, life was hard. There was also the holidays... I just hate winter holidays in general. Top that off with a job you hate... well.... yeah I would fall.. there was so much negative in my life. Like I said once I found my new job and was settling in I was much more relaxed. I was alone, I was ready to start a new chapter. Things were good, and I was enjoying what I was doing. Then my next fall came with my move. Yet another stressful time. Not only that I was moving into a stressful environment.

    It is not that I do not like my roommate... it is more that I feel I need to be alone to evolve. The growth and change have to occur by myself. I know that this roommate has an interest in being better with females as well.. however... I feel sometimes I need to do something by myself. Too much of my old self is still attached to him. I mean I really hate it. However, he is just stressful and inconsiderate as well. I mean he has an annoying habit where it cannot be silent. If I am in the room and there is nothing on the TV.. he has to talk.. he just has to talk. If his attention is not occupied again he has to talk. He just won't shut up... that is stressful for me. Sometimes I like to focus on my own. He does a lot of the lemming stuff as well. He always tags along on errands. For example I had to return some cleaning supplies to my mom. He tagged along because he had nothing to do. Whenever I do not explicitly invite him along on things he makes things tense and awkward, in a bad way. I mean I am not sure what I can do... especially since he says he wants to get on my diet.

    That is another thing I am starting up a new diet. It is called the Paleo diet. I read a book prescribed to me by my crossfit gym.. and I like what I read. The results he shows in the book speak for themselves. The book even claimed that it could help reverse the effects of depression. Which I am all for... at the same time I do not know. The last time I tried to take a roommate on a diet with me. He made me feel bad whenever he slipped up. Hell my mom is already making me feel bad because she wants to have a graduation party, but has to take my diet into consideration. I do not know, I am exicted to start the diet.. at the same time I am worried.. again I do not know.

    I do not know... my mind is cluttered and disorganized right now. I feel terrible because I am being hypocritical, at least in my mind. I feel hopeful because maybe I can change. I feel hateful because of what I have been trying to convince myself of... I do not know I really do not know. Part of me feels like I should reach out for help more... part of me does not want to do that. Part of me is paranoid of being judged. There is the part of me that is paranoid of being forgotten. I was forgotten once by my sister... part of me wishes my cat would die so I could get depressed and kill myself.

    I just wish I could focus my mind... anyway thanks for reading.. I hope this made sense and that someone might be able to... I guess advise me...
     
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    You sound like a very smart induvidual and to me you really need to look after one person yourself.You sound like youve got the strength to get yourself through challenges and hipcups that come along.It sounds you put alot of energy on what others are thinking and doing instead of keeping yourself well.Its nice to help people but you have to keep well yourself.I still have my days of frustration and not knowing what to do with myself and it can get to you but just stay focussed and sounds like when you put your mind to achieving a goal you do it.You doing great reaching out here as you will find support also.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think confusion is a natural product of growth...if we were secure in what we know, we would not be testing it...and having people around for economic reasons when one wants to be alone, can be a resentful situation...I know in the past, when I had to share my space and I did not want to, I had to make sure that I did not leak that resentment into my interactions with my roommates...and about the desire to change and develop...it sounds like you have a lot of intrinsic strength...that is a good thing, although, as I know from first hand experiences, it can cause a lot of conflict...I hope you continue to acknowledge that voice and also acknowledge that you are valuable and worth feeling better
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @spidy: I am not sure exactly what I am doing wrong with keeping myself well? Yes I do sometimes burn myself out a bit. However, that is just from working out and thinking too much. I have been making more of a commitment to get more sleep. My new diet requires it. I just have a bit of a problem with my new roommate who does not try... lame excuse I know.

    It is just hard to not get discouraged when you are supposed to believe something that is never reinforced by others. I mean, I can believe that I am the best person alive. However, if no one else believes that... well It takes borderline mental illness to hold firm to your beliefs. Especially when others around you do similar things and have success.

    @Sadeyes: My roommate is not too horrible.. I mean we both share similar goals and stuff. However, he is just a great deal more flimsy about them. When I want to accomplish something I go out and do research and find information and stuff. When he wants to do something he is all talk. Another thing that worries me is natural resentment that comes with the kind of improvement I am seeking. He sees my success so he takes an active role in foiling me. I read about it on the forum I am on. I see several threads there talking about that exact issue.

    I do not know, I find myself wanting to take a break from my life as I know it. Just take 6 months off from reality as I know it now. Tell everyone to not take it personally, but I need some alone and growth time. Then reappear in 6 months... however, no one ever wants to do that nor would anyone understand. I seem to be surrounded by the least understanding people on the planet. Not that I could take a break now since I have a roommate. I just hate having a shadow... that is all..
     
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