What is it I want in life? I am no longer sure to be honest. Do I just want to give up and be alone? Do I want to change, what do I want to do? Why am I so confused? My mind gets to easily distracted from the answers I want. And when I do not know something my mind does not want to rest. Really right now the only thing I know I want is a Vasectomy. But beyond that I do not know what else I want. I know that I am very much so not in control of my life. No I am still letting fear rule it. Just as an excuse to be angry. I get advice and shoot it down when it is not what I want to see. I ask questions and get angry when I do not get the answers I seek. What more is there to life that I need to learn. It is taking away from my studies, my mind cannot focus. Why not of all times, why does it have to happen now when I need to be focused the most? Why do I turn down the help I ask for? It is because I ask for help on one thing. And then when that one thing is shot down and stepped on as wrong I get angry. I make rash decisions, I am just stupid. I feel like I am losing my mind. I go off and yell and scream and try and think I am right. No more than a little kid who does not know better. Am I just a child in this world? Do I not know any better? Right now I just want to curl up in bed and die for a short bit just long enough to kill the memory cells created over these past few angry days. I keep making decrees one after another. I seriously think there is something wrong with me. I posted a few days ago that I was wrong but am I really wrong? Was I right, was I just trying to make myself feel better? Can I not decide on something? Can I not stick on something? I just do not know what to do :',( I am so alone and cold. I push people away, I look for pity, even as I posted my independence from people. What do I want? I have pretty much no where to turn, I only have my online friends to turn to those who I feel are closest to me. I look to their text once again because I do not know what to see in my own. I wish I could just say "I am going to focus on school". But I cannot my mind is so full of thoughts and energy. My geninuen human desires stop me from just focusing. I can only take so much weight before it crushes me. What do I do? Do I quit do I keep going do I stop and smell the roses? Do I pick up a rulebook and actually read it? What do I do to make myself happy? Can I really be happy? I am the main one holding myself back this is something I know. Why do I blame it on the rest of the world? Why do I stop caring about all around me and pretend I am the center of the universe? Who can I turn to for help and support? Who can I ask to show me what I do not already know? Who can help me find what I want in life? I have always thought the answer was me. I am the one but I cannot seem to find the right answer. I need some help but where can I get it? There are very few people who I can go to in this world. So to my friends, can I ask for your help once more? Can I ask for you to forgive my ignorance? I just need a cool down, school should help me do that. Please my friends I am very sorry for how I might have hurt you. I know I am throwing my weight onto your shoulder but my weight is slowly crushing me. Please help me if you can or want too.