I donno. ive tried for over half a decade on being here and trying to do things. nothings worked. tbh all i want to do is have someone use me and force me into some pretty dark shit that i cant talk about here. I just want to feel something special again. Ive not felt anything special for more than a few moments before i snap away from it. and now im what i am and cant do anything i cant work i cant earn money i cant be in a normal relationship im just a drain on my gf and the people around me yet they put up with me. probably because theyre worried ill off myself or they care for some obscure reason. thats nice. Really is.
But ive nothing and am nothing. Ive only got this pathway to what i want and feel in some regard left, and even in the i felt last night it disappearing. I dont want to die, ive never wanted to die but when you're useless and worthless and completely a leech and just wind people up and youre trying but everytime you try you need reassurance and even in the you long for the reassurnace because it's the next best thing to what i want, on a beginning point. ... i dont know. I dont even know where to post this anymore. i dont know what to talk about because it's just going to be a waste of your time as ill end up right back to this. And in that I cant have it, so im just idle. I just want to sleep forever right now. Maybe in my dreams i can touch with what i want because i get nothing from life anymore. I get alot from people, but i cant be what they want i think, i need too much work now and i dont trust anyone say a couple of people, but in that they dont see me the same anymore so that boats sailed, like all my other friendships simply because i talk like this i do stupid things i make big issues out of insanly small things i over react
what do i do.. i cant do a single thing right anymore. i bet if i tried to kill myself id back out of it infact im pretty sure i would. the only way to not would be to have a contraption do it for me. I hate feeling for people.. its like the worst torment in the world. i always mess it up because.. im just me. i just want to be released... free me from me
some people get smuthered by other people till they break. Im getting smuthered by my own failings at no fault of anyone else. Everyones kind and cares about me. but if i brought them into what i want, id probably ruin them to. so what do i do? Any thoughts? im still pretty rational.. i dont get many replies to be honest... id really appricate some thoughts.. but please bare in mind if you do, i dont know where ill be when you respond and when i reply.. but ill try i guess. Or is this a vicious circle of me trying to use someone else.
perhaps i just need some structure to hide in.. again... for another 19 years.. I dont know. Im uncertain
Is anyone like me? Am i alone...
But ive nothing and am nothing. Ive only got this pathway to what i want and feel in some regard left, and even in the i felt last night it disappearing. I dont want to die, ive never wanted to die but when you're useless and worthless and completely a leech and just wind people up and youre trying but everytime you try you need reassurance and even in the you long for the reassurnace because it's the next best thing to what i want, on a beginning point. ... i dont know. I dont even know where to post this anymore. i dont know what to talk about because it's just going to be a waste of your time as ill end up right back to this. And in that I cant have it, so im just idle. I just want to sleep forever right now. Maybe in my dreams i can touch with what i want because i get nothing from life anymore. I get alot from people, but i cant be what they want i think, i need too much work now and i dont trust anyone say a couple of people, but in that they dont see me the same anymore so that boats sailed, like all my other friendships simply because i talk like this i do stupid things i make big issues out of insanly small things i over react
what do i do.. i cant do a single thing right anymore. i bet if i tried to kill myself id back out of it infact im pretty sure i would. the only way to not would be to have a contraption do it for me. I hate feeling for people.. its like the worst torment in the world. i always mess it up because.. im just me. i just want to be released... free me from me
some people get smuthered by other people till they break. Im getting smuthered by my own failings at no fault of anyone else. Everyones kind and cares about me. but if i brought them into what i want, id probably ruin them to. so what do i do? Any thoughts? im still pretty rational.. i dont get many replies to be honest... id really appricate some thoughts.. but please bare in mind if you do, i dont know where ill be when you respond and when i reply.. but ill try i guess. Or is this a vicious circle of me trying to use someone else.

Is anyone like me? Am i alone...