What do you do if you are useless and worthless and cause more harm than good?

[Axiom]

I donno. ive tried for over half a decade on being here and trying to do things. nothings worked. tbh all i want to do is have someone use me and force me into some pretty dark shit that i cant talk about here. I just want to feel something special again. Ive not felt anything special for more than a few moments before i snap away from it. and now im what i am and cant do anything i cant work i cant earn money i cant be in a normal relationship im just a drain on my gf and the people around me yet they put up with me. probably because theyre worried ill off myself or they care for some obscure reason. thats nice. Really is.

But ive nothing and am nothing. Ive only got this pathway to what i want and feel in some regard left, and even in the i felt last night it disappearing. I dont want to die, ive never wanted to die but when you're useless and worthless and completely a leech and just wind people up and youre trying but everytime you try you need reassurance and even in the you long for the reassurnace because it's the next best thing to what i want, on a beginning point. ... i dont know. I dont even know where to post this anymore. i dont know what to talk about because it's just going to be a waste of your time as ill end up right back to this. And in that I cant have it, so im just idle. I just want to sleep forever right now. Maybe in my dreams i can touch with what i want because i get nothing from life anymore. I get alot from people, but i cant be what they want i think, i need too much work now and i dont trust anyone say a couple of people, but in that they dont see me the same anymore so that boats sailed, like all my other friendships simply because i talk like this i do stupid things i make big issues out of insanly small things i over react
what do i do.. i cant do a single thing right anymore. i bet if i tried to kill myself id back out of it infact im pretty sure i would. the only way to not would be to have a contraption do it for me. I hate feeling for people.. its like the worst torment in the world. i always mess it up because.. im just me. i just want to be released... free me from me

some people get smuthered by other people till they break. Im getting smuthered by my own failings at no fault of anyone else. Everyones kind and cares about me. but if i brought them into what i want, id probably ruin them to. so what do i do? Any thoughts? im still pretty rational.. i dont get many replies to be honest... id really appricate some thoughts.. but please bare in mind if you do, i dont know where ill be when you respond and when i reply.. but ill try i guess. Or is this a vicious circle of me trying to use someone else. perhaps i just need some structure to hide in.. again... for another 19 years.. I dont know. Im uncertain
Is anyone like me? Am i alone...

 

[_Lily_]

I feel the same i dont work either and i dont do much at all at home apart from being on line
I go to AA meetings and that about it
I think that am a drain on my husband as he the one who has to deal with me when am feeling suicidal and when i self injure
I not sure what you can do about this as am not sure what to do myself about it
I guess ill just live for another few decades and drain everything from every body

 

[Axiom]

I donno to be honest. I had an emotionally draining night last night. Just a fight with my gf, but it just hit everything so quickly and i donno. I think people confuse this episode last night to a couples dispute. For me everything in my life was affected because Ive been bringing up as much as I can that is negative, and trying to touch it gently and make it positive. Last night though ripped through all my defences to where I was darkest and weakest and it shook the foundation of my positive nature to the core, to my core. I felt almost dazzed and so limited in an unlimited life. Worst was, it wasnt just my gf I feared Id emotionally hurt, but other people too. And the wrost thing is, ive hurt her so emotionally by being me.. .. tbh i know now that we are completely different people, but who can understand eachother, to a degree. But we're so different i think we annoy eachother now

Im alright as they say now, and so is she, but it's left me moderatly weak internally so I kinda flip quickly right now. And I feel like that alot, but then spending time with ppl and just chatting nonsense makes me feel better somehow, and that some people understand and care to some degree really really helps. it's like a lifeline back to this sort of state for me. But i still feel like curling up into a ball and just falling asleep. Though im trying to keep a positive look and not attack everything i do in every moment. It's just hard because I am prone to messing up things and I have no skills, so If i look at myself i spiral out, and then i start to get really really low. and then i cant see where i am now and all that feels to exist is .. things that just shouldnt.

Buuut i dont want to fall into that right now. I donno. it's the worst possible feeling, cause I feel so open to it. But i suppose if im open to that, im open to alot of positive things in life. Which means that there is a possibility that I can regain a foothold on who and what i am. Perhaps last night was horrible and humiliating in itself, which weakened an already deteriorating state of myself to a minor brinking point.. but i guess atleast there's that possibility to touch with life again.
I suppose I need to prepare myself to remind myself that it's not "What do you do if you are useless and worthless and cause more harm than good?" but "What do you do if you feel useless and worthless..." the rest is just the past. I might cause harm and not give off good in the past, but now is always a opportunity to be positive. So I can be positive if I realize that it's a feeling of negativily that's encompassing me and surrounding me, blotting out the hope of other possibilities.

There's good in life... i have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to keep reminding myself I can touch with it and possibly can give it too. .. i really, am fortunate to have so good people to talk to from here. Everytime I talk with people it gives me so many individual instances to see a positive light instead of my own darkness on the matter. Though I have to open up and let that in, which is .. actually not so difficult once i jump into it. .. though giving it back is hard.. atleast people here are understanding and just are themselves regardless. Kinda love that.

I can relate to somethings there bruised&broken. I feel like a drain to my partner, to the point where ive pissed her off to no end with my lathargic ways.. and she is extremely understanding in that regard. So i do deserve the flack i get from her. I know it reads like she should be more understanding, but there is only so much someone can give and take before they themselves need love and care back. I dont know if i can give that to her anymore, but I can atleast, try to open myself up to flowing with her positive nature on things i guess.

I just.. want to share my positive side with someone for once. to the extent that i craddle it. because, its almost impossible to find someone who understands and wont use it as a tool later on. Though I have found two people in my life, im coming to grips that I've ruined both possibilities. One extremely, the other more or less yeah. But.. For the sake of the moments that were and could have been, i guess i know there are possibile future moments to touch with those parts of me and another aswell. Perhaps then I can find the strength to look at my issues that ive hidden deep down and get past them and let me completly free with someone and life itself.
God id love to touch with life and happyness like i can touch with dispair and misery. Im sick of depression and all it's negatising. Im sick of how it affects me and how it affects the people around me. Im sick of its stupidity and dispicable string rational. I don't want it anymore, i refuse to have it anymore. It might break me from time to time im not oblivous to this, but im coming back from it everytime, and someday ill be strong enough to keep it away again. Someday ill be strong enough to stand on my own two feet and walk through anything again.


I like that you can go to group sessions. Ive never done that, never had a reason too tbh. Do you find that they are helping you a bit? I bet it's nice to let yourself open up


thankyou so much for posting, i wish i could share a positive moment with you to let you know there is hope from these places we fall in. I know the feeling or the "knowing" that there is no hope.. but there's someone in my life that let me remember last night that even though the stars might be blocked out by the clouds and rain and lightning might be falling from the skies surrounding us, those stars are still shinning brightly, regardless of what is trying to seperate them from us.
I know our hopes and dreams and happyness and everything that is good is out there still, regardless of what appears or is in the way of touching with them. and that knowing, even though i didnt believe in them for a moment or that i could touch with them for along time.. that knowing they were there, that this person was there, being themselves, that all mannor of life is still there, that even my most cheerised and forgotten feelings and memories are still there.. that momentary knowing that there was more than the shit around me, gave me a perception that made me walk towards the city, and not towards the train tracks. It didnt even cross my mind at that point. I just left. Granted that whole little departure failed miserably.. im still here, and in all ways, im better for it. Atleast I know I might have a temper, but id never hurt another person physically, and emotionally, i wont directly hurt anyone. Though my mistakes do cause shockwaves emotionally... the more aware I am of their effects, the more I will know that they are a direct attack, and i cant become ignorant to them or how they effect the people around me. The worst situations give me pause to learn and become humble to my own failings and it truly can, give me a real moment to grow and become a better person.
Retaining this part of me is difficult though. My strength internally is so weak right now.. or is it. Does what we say about ourselves constitute a accepted position, that we will attempt to make true? Perhaps I am as strong as I let myself be. And perhaps all these failings are moments that I can once again become humble to the situation and others around me, and find the ways to become me as who i want to be.
perhaps i dont have to be like this anymore. perhaps I can be happy..


Sorry i write alot.. it helps me though... thankyou for responding. Thankyou for caring enough to speak who you are to me. xxx