What do you do when everything should be perfect and isn't?

I don't get it. I've dealt with these feelings before, during emotional break-ups, personal failures and painful marriages/divorces. But it makes no sense right now.

I'm in the best shape of my life even if I am in my 30s. I look great. I'm eating regularly, I sleep well. My job is going really well. I'm teaching on the side and it's really rewarding. I got cast in the lead of a play and we're performing part of it on local tv and I'm being interviewed by local newspapers there is such a buzz about it. I just found out that my accountant made an error on my taxes so the government owes me money from previous years and this year's taxes were much lower. I just got engaged to a beautiful woman who is ten years younger than me and who dotes on me and who would do anything for me. I've got a house, reliable car and plenty of friends and great stuff on the horizon.

I have NOTHING to complain about. Out of the billions of people on this planet I would guess I should be somewhere in the top 1% of happiest people.

So why do I wake up daily and need to convince myself that today doesn't need to be the day I die? Why do I constantly fantasize about ways that I can end my life with minimal pain for those who love me? Why does the peace of suicide appeal to me so much that I use images in my head of shooting myself the way that some people use relaxation music?

There are so many people out there who are truly in need, so many people that would be elated to have what I have. I really don't get why I am not happy. This isn't self pity or self-loathing talking here, I'm genuinely mystified at myself.

 

Cuz no matter how many material things you have or how well your life seems to be going, there is still something on a very personal level that you feel you are lacking. Sorry cant tell you what that is but maybe time to do some soul searching. Depression and suicidal thoughts and feelings dont discriminate. They dont just seek out the weak and broken but can stick to those like you that have so much to be hapy about. So please dont dwell on them, try and figure out why and then work on ridding yourself of them.

 

Your missing something in your life, your living it like a dead man, a little spirituality would help.

 

You're probably correct but the only thing that I can pinpoint is that I haven't changed the world. When I was younger I was a part of a church and it was prophesied that I would do a lot of great things for God. Instead of fulfilling those prophecies that my parents took very seriously I'm really just a regular guy. I've had two failed marriages and a child born out of wedlock. I quit Bible college after the first year.

My parents say they are proud of me for making the most out of my life despite becoming a father at 19 and the like but I know that they are disappointed in me. For me even though I'm well past my teens (and 20s for that matter) it still impacts me that my mother and father are disappointed in me.

I consider myself a spiritual person. I used to be a Christian but I've broken from the church and last year I had to admit to my mother that I was no longer a Christian. We have barely spoken in the intervening months. I understand that she's scared for me but I'm in my 30s I should be able to make that choice without effectively being punished.

I've thought about going to a UU church or some similar community with a spiritual but non-dogmatic focus but ultimately it means sitting somewhere and being bored out of my mind so I'm struggling to fill that void.

Thank you both very much for your comments.

 

I dont know, what type of job do you have, if you are like a sales person or spend your life manipulating people maybe your conscience is telling you something

 

It's a fair question but no, I do not spend my life manipulating people, I work in the IT field for a reputable company and am generally well-liked. I also do volunteer teaching for middle school student afterschool programs.

 

If they tell you that they 're proud, then why do you tell yourself that they 're not? Could it be you 're creating the negativity in your mind?
You may think that they 'd only be proud if you fulfilled certain expectations but that's not true. While it's very likely that they had a vision for your future, that was what they believed was best for you. But people's beliefs aren't static. The vision can't measure up to a reality of you being happy and apparently making the best out of your life; if that's what they see, then I 'm pretty sure they 're genuinely proud of you.

It's also never too late to do great things. You don't need to do them under the flag of a religion, nor do they have to be earth-shattering. Many people think like that when young but as you grow old you realise that the world changes as everyone does their bit.