I don't get it. I've dealt with these feelings before, during emotional break-ups, personal failures and painful marriages/divorces. But it makes no sense right now. I'm in the best shape of my life even if I am in my 30s. I look great. I'm eating regularly, I sleep well. My job is going really well. I'm teaching on the side and it's really rewarding. I got cast in the lead of a play and we're performing part of it on local tv and I'm being interviewed by local newspapers there is such a buzz about it. I just found out that my accountant made an error on my taxes so the government owes me money from previous years and this year's taxes were much lower. I just got engaged to a beautiful woman who is ten years younger than me and who dotes on me and who would do anything for me. I've got a house, reliable car and plenty of friends and great stuff on the horizon. I have NOTHING to complain about. Out of the billions of people on this planet I would guess I should be somewhere in the top 1% of happiest people. So why do I wake up daily and need to convince myself that today doesn't need to be the day I die? Why do I constantly fantasize about ways that I can end my life with minimal pain for those who love me? Why does the peace of suicide appeal to me so much that I use images in my head of shooting myself the way that some people use relaxation music? There are so many people out there who are truly in need, so many people that would be elated to have what I have. I really don't get why I am not happy. This isn't self pity or self-loathing talking here, I'm genuinely mystified at myself.