I think about it alot, a end to my misery and failed life. Years ago I was diagnosed with schizoaffective. For those who do not know that is depression and schizophrenia. While my meds have kept it in check for years, its been an ongoing struggle to find a med that doesnt have side effects on me. Right now I'm suffering from Tardive Dyskensia, random movement of the neck and in my case mouth & lips. The movement is constant and obvious. I cant go in public like this. All my dreams are gone. I have lost my independence, my job, my apartment, any hope of meeting a cute girl or a chance at a family of my own. I am already 40 and I live at home with my parents and sister. All I do is exist while I eventually wait to die anyway. I want to go out on my terms, not at the mercy of this illness and medication side effects. I want to go out as a normal human being with my sanity (i use the term normal as things that were once normal for me). I cant live like this waiting for the symptoms to return or continue with this weird movement with my lips i cannot control. Its hard to eat, hard to talk and hard to sleep. I need to find a way to put this miserable existance away. I dont want to live like this further. By the way the pysch doc said this could be permanent, hence the suicidal thoughts.