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What do you do when you have lost your will, your path...nothing matters anymore?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ccastro2k2, Aug 17, 2009.

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  1. ccastro2k2

    ccastro2k2 Active Member

    I do not know how to start because this is one of those things that only ourselves could understand.
    I am not young anymore at 36 and I look at my life and I just do not see anything but a horrible future.
    I have a job doing IT support where I make $13/hr and I am 36!
    I was an electrical engineering student when I decided to drop out of College because I could not handle the frustration of my "no relationships" live.
    I then decided to be a singer which I always wanted to be and fought to make it.
    I thought Ive done it but we were taken advantage of.
    Now I am too old to go to college and get a career.
    I have bad credit that I am not able to recover it seems.
    My wife is not the person I hope she was and I met someone that is so special that I would love to be with but she has no idea nor I would betray my wife even though she surely has earned it because of the way she treats me so many times.
    So here I am, no house just renting, no money, debts all over, no career, my singing career is all frozen.
    I just met my long time singing Idol and that kind of gave me some hope that maybe God was giving me a path to success since the person was extremely polite and offered help and to call him when I am in Miami where he lives but I started thinking...this is just one more of those illusions that always end up in dissapointment for me.
    I have been there before like on my previous jop with a famous online company that recruited me saying that their current employees were making 70-75k a year when in reality they NEVER did and the best I did was 31K (because I had a part time with another company that is) before the company had to let everyone go due to the economic crysis...
    I mean how many times can a guy be presented with hope and then have it taken back from him and have the strenght to bounce back?
    I am just tired!
    What do I look forward to?
    Seeing my parents die? Getting older and older without anything to show for?
    Realizing that my singing career is done and I was never anyone?
    I just cannot go on. Right now the only thing I see as my escape my only way of having freedom is to die.
    When I sleep is the only time where I can just be free and happy since I feel nothing...then eternal rest is my way out of this.
    I tried my best , God knows it, but there is no hope for me.
    I am going to get some life insurance and make it all look like an accident so that at least with my death I could give something to my family...it would be more than what I ever did while I was alive that is for sure.
    Oh and just in case you are wondering...yes I am scared of doing this but I am WAY more scare of "living" like this, seeing as every days is worth and dragging myself to work in order to barely make it. Death could be scary but my future is far scarier. :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't go through with it. I know right now you feel like there's no hope. But there can be. For one thing, you aren't too old to go back to school. I'm only a few years younger than you, and I'm planning to go back in the spring. It's expensive, but I've been researching, and there's a lot out there in the way of financial aid.

    Have you put any of your music online? At least that way, people would get the chance to hear it and see how talented you are.

    You mentioned that your wife doesn't treat you very well at times. Is it something that could be worked out through counseling? Could you guys be happy together? If that isn't possible, you wouldn't have to betray your wife to be with the person you met. If you're truly unhappy and there's no resolution, divorce is an option (especially if she's treating you badly).

    Please stay and talk to us. Try to keep holding on.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not old many people go back to college university at your age. Follow up with your education so you can get the job you deserve. Clouded thing right now you need to get some help to clear it up. You need to talk to your doctor councillor professional help to get you seeing clearer.
    You are definetly not old You have alot of time to accomplish what you want so reach out and get the help you need okay Do it because you deserve to be happy.
  4. ccastro2k2

    ccastro2k2 Active Member

    Thank you for trying to help. :smile:
    About music online, it is not that easy as I am not a writer just a vocalist. I was part of a famous band (they were famous before I joined) but things were already on its way down and the owner just ripped us apart. To give you an idea the manager was getting up to 4k per show and we were getting about $200! And that was like two times a month so hardly a way to make a living.
    About going to school well, with how expensive it is, I do not see the point, I would be 80 and still trying to pay for it.
    About my wife, she can be nice but she also can be so mean that she is not really the person I wanted with me...I would not hurt her because I am not like that but at the same time I feel like that other person could be what I have been looking for...then again, there is no guarantee she would like me too nor that I am not just looking for an " escape" or false hope.
    This is so hard to explain....as I am writing this I am also doing chat support at my work (3 chats at a time) and it is so hard to think...I am having to clear tears from my eyes and face while I type and I was just thinking that the people I am helping have no idea that of what the person on the other side is going through.....
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2009
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're right; school is expensive. But there are tons of financial aid options out there. I didn't really know about them until a few of my friends pointed me in the right direction.

    You deserve to be happy, and you don't deserve to be treated badly by anyone. Have you talked to your wife about the fact that she can be really mean at times?

    I know what you mean; sometimes it's really hard to put into words what you're going through or how you feel. But you're trying, and so far everything you've said makes sense. I just hope you don't give up.
  6. ccastro2k2

    ccastro2k2 Active Member

    Thanks Cherry.
    Are you someone that went through this or are you here because you like to help?
    I do not if you can relate to this but every morning when I wake up I try to force myself to keep sleeping because that is the only time I have peace...the moment I am awake I am back to my tormented life, inner demons or whatever you want to call it.
    Rather than blaming someone else I will take full responsability for the mess that is my life and end it in my own terms.
    I just want to do something good at least with my passing.
    I had so many dreams when I was growing up that realizing how each one of them are left behind as just that , dreams, is like a nail on my coffin....everysingle one of them....
    At least I talked to my idol once...meeting him was the last good thing that has happened to my life..I actually felt that child like emotion...that pure excitment that Ive lost so long ago so for that I am grateful. At least I experienced it one more time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2009
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm here because I want to help. I've lost a friend to suicide, and one of the things he'd said in his note was that he wanted to reach out but didn't know how, couldn't find the words. So I want to try and help other people who might be going through something similar.

    I know you want to take responsibility for your life, but you've got to remember that what you're going through and how you're feeling aren't your fault.

    You don't have to give up all of your dreams. I know what it feels like when you really think they're unachievable. I've been there.

    What would make you want to live right now? What would make you feel like you had the strength to keep going?
  8. ccastro2k2

    ccastro2k2 Active Member

    You know those are very good questions indeed.
    What would make me live now....I do not know because most of it requires time travel..so that I can avoid making the same bad decisions I made.
    BUt since that is not possible, yes I still allow my self to daydream thinking that this person I just talked to is a sign of God and that he really meant it when he said to call him and if I needed any help and all that but that is so far fetch that I rather live it there as the most exciiting day ever and not push it and end up adding it to my long list of frustrations.
    I would love to make a living singing...I do not even care to be rich and all that...no, just to make a decent living doing what I love, that would make me go on because my soul would be in peace again.
    That is as likely to happen as me being able to walk on water though.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I can SO relate to wanting to undo the mistakes I've made in the past. I know it's not much help, but you aren't alone there.

    Don't let go of your dreams. What if it really is a sign from God? You'll never know if you don't give it a try. It would be worth a phone call just to see if he could help. Music can be so powerful, and if you got that chance you've been waiting for, then your voice would be heard. At least give it a try; don't let go of that hope.
  10. ccastro2k2

    ccastro2k2 Active Member

    I keep thinking that but I also keep remembering thinking the same about things on the past like that 75K job that was just a big fat lie from this person that still calls himself a brother to me yet he gave me this false hope and for weeks I thought things were going to be better.
    This person is a very famous Latin Singer , winner of many awards.
    I got his number and called him and told him we have met in a recent activity and I was a singer for a Latin Band which was a small lie (not the singer part since I did sing for the band but the meeting part was the lie) and he was very nice about it asking me when I was coming by Miami and to call him.
    When I said things were a bit slow with the band he said to let him know if he could help me.
    He exceeded EVERY expecation...I mean, the call went better than I could ever dream off...just a wonderful guy.
    He even said it was ok to call him yesterday so say hi to my wife on her birthday.
    I was not able to find him but that is normal since when I got his number the phone was going directly to voice mail for 2 weeks.
    I really want to believe he was honest but even if he was, but what if he wast just being polite...?
    Am I better of going with that nice memory of meeting him and how nice we was with me or realizing it was just PR and killing the last good thing that ever happened to me?
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Maybe you could get in touch with him again and ask him if he has any suggestions for how you can put your music out there. He might not have to do much more than give you some advice, some encouragement ... and if he's willing to do more to help, you'll probably be able to tell through that second phone call. But if you let this opportunity slip past you, you'll never know what might have happened.

    Your dreams are worth something. Don't let them all go.
  12. ccastro2k2

    ccastro2k2 Active Member

    I guess in a way I am scared...scared of this being my last shot and once again finding nothing...then, then the end is there no more to try no more to look for... it is not like I am looking for forward to finding a way of killing myself and looking like an accident...but you can only cry so much, be on bed countless sleeps days nights and drag yourself thourhg like before you get tired...
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know. Taking a chance is scary, because there's always that chance that it won't work out. But there's also just as good a chance that it will. This doesn't have to be your last chance or last hope though. You could still go back to school.
  14. ccastro2k2

    ccastro2k2 Active Member

    I do not have plans to be a senior citizen surrounded by young kids..at least I still have some pride.
    I can give this one last good try and hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
    I really thank you for listening.
    BTW, I was just listening to some songs I have been recording and just imagining what we people might think when they listen to them when I am no longer around... crazy thinking I know.
    Thanks again
  15. hi my name is

    hi my name is Well-Known Member

    my brother had a 78 year old in one of his history classes. i guess he knew a lot!
  16. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Age I guess is how you look at it. I'm 45 so to me you're still so very young. I truly understand where you are at and how you are feeling and thinking. So many of your problems, fears and pain are mine too. I dont know what to tell you. I do know when I joined SF almost two years ago, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would still be posting today. Hun there are truly good people here with even better support and advice to offer. Please hang in there and let them help. No guarantees that they will be able to solve the "worldly" problems but they can certainly help ease your soul. And with that accomplished you will find some hope to be strong and try to move forward. Please stay safe.
  17. ccastro2k2

    ccastro2k2 Active Member

    I truly do not think there is any hope for me. I just tried calling the person I mentioned before but no answer so I am not counting much on that "sign".
    I guess I am here to let it out a bit since for what I want to do, it would be best if everyone thinks it was an accident. That means not being able to clearly say good bye to everyone I love which hurts.
    You want to know something interesting, funny or perhaps scary...I kind of feel a bit of a relief knowing that it wont be much longer now...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2009
  18. kuika

    kuika Active Member

    wow, so much of your post is like my life, im 40 have no job, bad credit, took a stab at my dream job and failed, had no relationships in my life that were good. like you sleep is my friend, ive spent may a morning trying to go back to sleep to escape.

    i too am looking to go out because im going to lose my place and mu pets soon and dont have the strength to go on without either. But as bad as things are if i had enough money to cover bills i would stay.

    what im trying to say is, ive had pride and let it get in the way, and probably still am letting it get in the way. Dont feel bad about what you make compared to your friends, i used too. I used to feel bad cause my "scorecard" of money, house, car, wife kids, etc wasnt as big as my friends.

    once i got them to open up, i found out it wasnt as great as they make it look on the outside. most were house rich and cash poor, now with the housing bubble, they not house rich, their marriages are in trouble, and they have insecurities too. They just hide it better that we do.

    im taking a leap, but im betting most on the forum ar what they now call "highly sensitive people" we feel more and so lifes downs hurt a lot more that to most poeple. plus i think we're not as good at putting that mask on that most people do.

    what im trying to say is, some of lifes doors might be closed to you, but others open, or it might just be a change will open new ways to think about things.

    ive thought i was too old to go back to school, and i went and became a scuba instructor. did i feel silly next to a lot of much younger people? yes sometimes, but sometimes there were people older than me. I was thankful i didnt do what i had planned and got to do something i always wanted to do.

    It didnt work out, but im glad i did it and no one can take it away from me, its mine. Think of how many people never chase what they want, you did. It may not have worked the way you wanted, but i bet there are thousands that want to but are too scared to try.

    try to tap into that power you once had to look at getting some toxic elements out of your life and letting new ones in. Bad credit and renting arent a black mark on you, whenits all our time, you cant take your house, money or credit cards with you, so dont let em worry you :)
  19. ccastro2k2

    ccastro2k2 Active Member

    Thanks again all.
    I try but I just have no will honest.
    I guess since I have taken good care of my buddy as I never did drugs nor smoke or drink, I look younger than I am so in a way I rather have people remember me like this and not like an old man that never acomplished anything.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    i am almost 50. my credit stinks ... my doing i understand. i have lotsa debt as well.
    i used to make 46k a year for the last 8 years until i got layed off.
    i moved to another state at the invite of a now x friend. now, i work at walmart making 8 bucks an hour.

    i gave suicide a 3rd shot, i failed .. i knew i would because there werent enough pills. thats another story.
    my point is, yes i still have the debt. yes i now have nothing i own, cept my mountain bike, which i ride 14.6 miles round trip aday to work and my laptop.

    i dont make enough to even get my own place. i have to rent a room.

    i suppose i could just wait till payday and buy more than enough pills to kill myself properly this time ... BUT IM NOT. AT LEAST NOT FOR NOW.

    why have i made this decision ?
    well, i have been dealing with this money thing for over 4 years now. at times it gets worse.
    but at this time, i decided to stand strong and wearyly keep fighting. i know things will get better. i have been down before and i have gotten back up before.

    you just need to talk to ppl and find some help with what you need.

    best wishes .. get some sleep and keep pluggin along.
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