I do not know how to start because this is one of those things that only ourselves could understand. I am not young anymore at 36 and I look at my life and I just do not see anything but a horrible future. I have a job doing IT support where I make $13/hr and I am 36! I was an electrical engineering student when I decided to drop out of College because I could not handle the frustration of my "no relationships" live. I then decided to be a singer which I always wanted to be and fought to make it. I thought Ive done it but we were taken advantage of. Now I am too old to go to college and get a career. I have bad credit that I am not able to recover it seems. My wife is not the person I hope she was and I met someone that is so special that I would love to be with but she has no idea nor I would betray my wife even though she surely has earned it because of the way she treats me so many times. So here I am, no house just renting, no money, debts all over, no career, my singing career is all frozen. I just met my long time singing Idol and that kind of gave me some hope that maybe God was giving me a path to success since the person was extremely polite and offered help and to call him when I am in Miami where he lives but I started thinking...this is just one more of those illusions that always end up in dissapointment for me. I have been there before like on my previous jop with a famous online company that recruited me saying that their current employees were making 70-75k a year when in reality they NEVER did and the best I did was 31K (because I had a part time with another company that is) before the company had to let everyone go due to the economic crysis... I mean how many times can a guy be presented with hope and then have it taken back from him and have the strenght to bounce back? I am just tired! What do I look forward to? Seeing my parents die? Getting older and older without anything to show for? Realizing that my singing career is done and I was never anyone? I just cannot go on. Right now the only thing I see as my escape my only way of having freedom is to die. When I sleep is the only time where I can just be free and happy since I feel nothing...then eternal rest is my way out of this. I tried my best , God knows it, but there is no hope for me. I am going to get some life insurance and make it all look like an accident so that at least with my death I could give something to my family...it would be more than what I ever did while I was alive that is for sure. Oh and just in case you are wondering...yes I am scared of doing this but I am WAY more scare of "living" like this, seeing as every days is worth and dragging myself to work in order to barely make it. Death could be scary but my future is far scarier.